that day between

yesterday was good friday and we went to church. for two and a half hours. it was wonderful. my eyes leaked through most of the service as we focused on the passion of the Christ.  the gift.  the sacrifice. the love.  for me.  me who so doesn't deserve it.  the mercy.  the grace.

today is that day of darkness in between good friday, and easter.  a day of emptiness.  a day of let down and defeat and people left asking the question - who was that guy and why were we following him around? i wonder why this is the way things went down? i wonder why there is saturday, a day between? and why on sunday Jesus only showed himself to a few?

it could have been much more dramatic.  it could have blown everyone out of the water.  it could have been a spectacular show.  it could have been hollywood. but.  it wasn't.  it was subtle and quiet and delayed.

i think it's because God is interested in people and people need process. because God is interested in our process- in people listening and looking and searching. i think there were things that needed to happen in the hearts and minds of people on that saturday.  i think it was a needed space- a pause- an undesired but necessary time of process.  i think questions needed to be asked internally- 'who was that guy and why was i following him around?' 'what did all of this mean?'

i think it's because our lives are full of these saturdays and God knew they would be.  these unwanted gaps of time- these potential spaces of asking and listening and waiting and growing and learning. 

if.

if we allow ourselves to be in those places, because they are usually not fun, they are usually painful and threatening, and emotionally avoidable.  we can choose to distract ourselves through our saturdays- however long they are.  we can avoid the asking, and searching and fill up with other things.

i remember when jude was a baby we had months of saturdays. we were living in a place of repeated neuro-imaging and follow up.  the outpatient pediatric MRIs were scheduled for fridays to coordinate with anesthesia.  jude would get his scan on friday and we'd have to wait until monday to get the results from the neurosurgeon.  those were hard saturdays.  we would ask the questions 'what if it's worse?  what if he now needs surgery?  what if that tumor is growing? what if the brain is damaged? what will we do?  why is this happening to our child?'  i remember wishing that pediatric imaging was on mondays, so we would get the results the next day, that we could skip the waiting.  i remember feeling like these were the days in the tomb- days of darkness- days of unknown.

but these saturdays were full of learning.  because in that space and time, if nothing else, we learned that life goes on. no matter what. you get up and eat and hike and see your friends and you hope and you pray and you know that God still loves us no matter what.  that there can still be peace and joy in the midst of potential badness.  we learned that it's okay to ask hard questions of God.  it's okay to be angry at what feels unfair.  it's okay shout, 'my God why have you forsaken me!'  because Jesus did. 

but because of the passion of the Christ- we knew we were not forsaken.  because of the coming sunday- we knew that no matter what we were not abandoned in badness- but that we could have hope, there could be peace, there could even be joy and laughter.

i don't usually like God's timing, but i have learned to trust it. i don't usually like the saturdays of life, but i'm learning to be open to them. i'm trying to remember that they are gifts in themselves- often crunchy and scratchy and uncomfortable- but holding so much potential beauty and value.

so today i will practice being here, in this day, this saturday, this potential space, this day between.