dear jude, bryn and rose,
you've heard me say 'i'm sorry' many times for many different things, but i wanted to specifically say i'm sorry that life with your sister can be so hard. i love all four of you so much and i know it can seem like a betrayal to apologize for your having a sibling with autism, but i think 'i'm sorry' is in order.
i'm sorry that i couldn't finish the hike with you today because your sister couldn't deal and needed to go back to the car. i'm sorry that i couldn't go down to the creek and climb rocks with you because she needs someone to stay on the path with her. i'm sorry for all the times when i don't give full attention to what you're showing me, because i have one ear listening for her. i'm sorry for the times when i don't praise your accomplishments as i should because i know your sister will never do those things and she feels badly about it. i'm sorry that you get one parent at times when you deserve two.
i'm sorry that you have to bend so much. that her inflexibility requires so much more flexibility from you. i'm sorry that you have to be the oldest when you're not by age. i'm sorry for all the times when i'm too tired. when you see me crying. when you see me lose it on her. for all the times you see me fail and parent poorly. i'm sorry for the times when your needs get put on hold temporarily because her needs are shouting. i'm sorry for the times when i forget to go back to your needs afterwards. i'm sorry that the three of you are lumped together sometimes as if your combined mass equals hers, but it feels like it does.
i'm sorry that the rules are different for her, like screen-time and chores. it's not fair. it's just not. i'm sorry for the times she embarrasses you. i'm sorry when you have to explain things over and over for her to understand.
i'm sorry that my memory of your babyhood is blurry because it's seen through eyes that were often watching her fall apart. i'm sorry that we have to miss large gatherings sometimes because it will be too much for her. i'm sorry that sometimes we don't get invited to places because she is too much for other people. i'm sorry that when we go clothes shopping for you, much of the time is spent finding her. i'm sorry that you have to help clean up the aisle after she's taken down every single littlest pet shop toy. i'm sorry for the time i said no to her buying the little plush toy and she unraveled at the supermarket and i needed you three to pay and check out and get the groceries into the car while i dragged her out kicking. i'm sorry that you had to listen to her scream out her frustrations and self-hatred on the way home.
i'm sorry for burdening you with a sense of premature responsibility on saturday night when your dad and i escape for date-night so we can process this life of ours and that it made you feel caught between wanting to support us and wanting to escape too.
mostly i'm sorry for not being the parent to you that i thought i would be.
here is the thing that i'm not sorry about- i'm not sorry about the people i see you becoming.
i'm not sorry that you are seeing Real. that you are understanding that life is unfair, it just is. that you are learning about different first hand. that you are gaining a deep sensitivity for others. that you are seeing that life throws us curve balls all the time and we have to learn to catch them. i'm not sorry that you know that things are broken, that we are broken. that there is no perfect anything. that we make mistakes. that we fall and rise again. that we keep going even when it's so hard. that we believe in each other. that loving people isn't easy. i'm not sorry that you are learning patience. learning responsibility. learning to be thankful for all the things you can do and do well.
and you do so many things well. i'm so very proud of you. you are doing a great job of living a life that requires more of you. you are practicing tolerance. and having a sense of humor even in the hard stuff. you are able to roll with it, to give up the front seat again. you learn to pick your battles, and avoid unnecessary conflict. you exhibit grace and forgiveness.
so my three little ones, you are amazing, unique individuals, and these things that are shaping you, growing you, stretching you, they are part of what makes you who you are- they are hidden gifts from your sister. just know that you are deeply loved, incredibly valuable and cherished as is your sister.
xxoo,
mom
