a few weeks ago the sermon was on gratitude and the importance of the practice of gratitude. how it's life changing, the choosing to be grateful. the psalms are full of gratitude. they are often a call to remember who God is, what God did in the past, and to the promises that can be trusted. often the psalms of praise and thanks, follow a psalm of lament.
Jesus talked a lot about love. and peace and caring for each other and forgiveness and generosity, but he didn't talk a lot about gratitude. maybe he cared more about sitting with us in our lament. there is something about being seen that is necessary for feeling loved, and sometimes gratitude can interfere in this. Jesus never told the bride and groom they should be grateful because at least they only ran out of wine at their wedding and not food- no instead, he made more wine, his first miracle. he didn't say to the bleeding woman, ' you should be grateful, it could be worse, at least you can walk." Jesus saw people in their suffering and let them be who they were, where they were and sat with them, ate with them and sometimes healed them with out judging them or telling them to just be grateful.
when people placate us with gratitude it can feel like neglect. it can undermine our experience or trauma.
i remember after i had zoe and was desperately trying and failing to get pregnant again for 4 and a half years, people would say, "well at least you already have a baby, it could be worse." leaving me feeling guilty for my sorrow, unworthy of my grief and very alone. or when i was upset about zoe's disabilities people would try to help me 'feel better' with statements like, "it could be worse, at least she is verbal." people who are suffering don't want to be shamed by hearing how much worse it could be. no one needs to be silenced and told that they should really choose gratitude. Jesus got it. Jesus allows the full on ugly crying of all of us over whatever it is, puts out his arms and says, "i know". it's allowed.
and.
so is gratitude.
i used to think that it wasn't a 'both, and' thing. i used to think that it was 'either or'. either you were in a season of gratitude or a season of lament. kind of like the psalms.
yesterday i was on a walk. it was cool but not cold and cloudy but not raining and the bald trees were scraping at the winter sky the way they do in the wind. it was beautiful and i was filled with a holy gratitude. it felt sacred because for many years i couldn't see this scene as beautiful and i wouldn't have been filled with gratitude. i saw it as ugly new england in the winter with no snow. i saw it as dull and brown and leafless and lifeless. but what i saw yesterday was the beauty in what is right now in new england on that december day. a necessary step in the process of life- the period of hibernation, the time of rest for the earth.
i reflected on gratitude and the practice of it. how i can chose to see beauty and be thankful for it while in seasons of grief. i can long for the green of uganda and appreciate the cloudy december sky with a few scattered still golden leafed tree tops meeting it. i can wrestle with zoe's disabilities and rejoice in the creative person that she is. the gratitude doesn't have to cancel the grief nor does the sorrow prevent the thanksgiving.
that is holy gratitude.
