moderation

i've settled on moderation.  after 2 weeks of the gluten-free, dairy-free life and many headaches later- i've decided that my diet needs to be less extreme- that i need to eat, and live, in moderation.  i agree with the quote from saint augustine "complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation" which is why i probably gravitate toward the 'all or nothing' approach to most things in life.

i mostly blame this on the faucets i grew up with.  you had to choose,  either get hot water from one or cold water from the other, burn or freeze.  i was in too much of a rush to plug the sink and mix them to "warm".   moderation requires time and attention- thought-and active decision.  abstinence or gluttony, just doesn't.  i also like extremes- love hard, fall deep, sing loud, run fast, reach high, sleep sound.  i have opinions that are strong.  my amplitude is big.  i struggle with reigning it in. i'm not by nature-temperate, to a fault.

moderation is about living in the gray, not in the world of black and white.  it's holding the tension of the opposites. not having to make hard, fast rules in order to be comfortable.  it's about flexibility and trusting oneself.

this is honestly one of the issues i have with 'religion' - not with God, but with 'religion'.  it can be easier to make hard rules about things that i think God may have meant for us to wrestle with, than to grapple with these issues. it can be easier to be angry and judgmental of people who may have a difference of opinion about the greyer areas- than to be gentle and to admit it's not as clear as we wish it were.

but it's hard to be okay with the unknown.  and it's hard to live well in moderation- with out ping-ponging back and forth between the extremes.  and for me, even my extremes are extreme.  i don't leave it at 'should i work or stay home',  it becomes 'should i work full time in academic medicine or stay at home and grow my own grain to bake my own bread?'  and whether the cause of this challenge is the faucets or just my personality- i'm sure i will always struggle with balance- with living in the gray- with holding the tension- with moderation.  yoga helps, prayer helps, patience helps.  remembering that discovering life and knowing God, is a process, helps.  but embracing that i love life big is important too.  so i will strive for moderation- but perhaps not perfect moderation.

blessings

sunny and cold- too cold, but i'll not complain because of the sun. it just smiles down and things are better - no matter what.  the sun gives options- it differentiates- there is brightness and shade and in between- there is dimension. there is hope in there- in those parts. and when the wind blows- the light moves on the leaves and things change and you realize that life changes, nothing is static- even when your heart can't feel it- the light can remind you, and the wiggling leaves, and you can see the possibilities that on a closed gray sky day, you might not.  so i'm thankful.

mike is home.  i'm thankful.  he's refreshed.  i'm thankful. i'm not yet, but i will be.

zoe has had a weird few days-which i'm going to chalk up to the change in mike's going and returning.  once she'd adjusted to him being away (about 2 days into it) she did great.  i mean- last week was great. i also had taken her off gluten.  this should be a post in itself.  i, at risk of offending, have hated this whole gluten- casein free autism spectrum thing.  i have probably hated it because it seems like one more thing to do- or one more thing to feel guilty about not doing.  someone's words hang the air and ring in my ears- 'oh- you'll try it someday- trust me'.  yeah right.  not me.  not us.  whatever.  then two thanksgivings ago- i did- for a week- and that was it.  i'd convinced myself that i'd done it- and now could resume life with bread and feel OK.

then we did brain balance- which i also thought was hokey- and it really helped. we took her off casein.  it really helped too.  so i noticed that when she eats bacon and eggs instead of pasta she does better.  i decided to do it, again, fo' reals. and it's not that bad- it's not that hard- and i seriously think it helps.  i'll admit it.  i'm not proud.  anything that helps her process her world better- is good.  hokey or not.

but just when i'd become a believer in the GFCF diet plan- she had a bad sunday, the day mike was coming home, and a bad monday.  this was really discouraging.

but... there were two good things.  first of all- i was reminded of how far she's come- how bad it used to be- and so i could be thankful.  secondly - i saw how quickly she can now turn it around- and i saw her ability to now reflect on her behavior, to think through the reasons why and to apologize in a real way- not the ' i'm sooorrryy mom!!' but the really apologetic sorry.

then today- she was great. i mean great.  she sat for 45 minutes and completed putting together an esher puzzle- with out a moment of frustration- with out a blink of sticky.  this is actually remarkable for three reasons.

one: this child is visually spatially challenged. she can barely do a regular puzzle let alone a visually confusing one.

two:  it was a set up for frustration- a really hard thing for her to do- me flying around her freaking out about getting the house clean for our realtor's caravan, me vacuuming around her- literally- and she just kept going.

three: she just kept going.  this girl- gives up at the slightest whiff of failure- this girl gives up when the going gets anything but easy- this girl has very limited focus.  this girl sat and focused and did something super hard for her for 45 minutes!  i was so proud of her! but better yet- she was so proud of herself. 

mike is almost home from work- like opening a present- we get to go out tonight.  we're excited like teenagers because absence makes the heart grow fonder.

while he was away- i got to feel the love, but from others.  friends came over.  friends brought dinner.  friends called to check in.  friends helped me with zoe at church on sunday during some major stickiness.

so i feel so blessed- for where we are, for the growth that comes from where we've been- even in the shadowy spots- those dark, lightless, cold spots, and for where we're going.

blanketed in grace.  and so, so thankful.

blue green flame

snow makes everything so unbelievably quiet.  you can see the passage of time by the inches of white on the tree branches- on the railings. and things seems smaller, closer and i feel smaller.  foot prints just left, soon gone- our impact on the world, covered.  we are reminded of the earth as it was before us, and as it will be- which feels forgottenly natural.

merry christmas!

the winter in north carolina feels very edwardian.  in the living room, there is a fire in the fireplace constantly and people sit and read, and play and talk.  people go off for walks after meals and then return to sit and be around the fireplace.  there is good food and lots of it, and surprisingly little media. time for being still with others.

today zoe was sitting by the fire, just staring into it pensively.  she was noticing the different colors of the flames- the small flickers of green and blue that sometimes appear. she was quiet- which is rare, she had no toys around her, which is rare.  i asked her what she was thinking about.  "nothing."  but she was thinking. a few minutes later she asked if i really wanted to  know what she was thinking about and i said yes.

she said she'd "let her feelings get the best of her".
i asked what she meant.
she said she was thinking about living in san francisco and remembering people there and certain memories- some which were good and some which were bad and some that made her mad.  she felt confused about it and overall- sad- and then bad that she'd let all this affect her.

i told her this feeling was called nostalgia.  what a complicated feeling it is.  a feeling made up of so many feelings- a feeling i know well.  she had interpreted her confusion with it as isolating. as part of her nonverbal learning disability.  no, i told her, it's a confusing feeling for all of us- it is something we all share. i told her she'd described it really well.  that her affect- her somberness- her pensivity, was very appropriate.  she had beautifully shown and spoke of her feelings.

this is a big deal. this is a big change.  usually for zoe- complicated emotions are overwhelming- and their sum is anger or frustration- and that is what gets communicated.  she doesn't like the confusion- she doesn't know what to do with feelings that seem to contradict each other- joy and happiness mixed with sadness.  she already doesn't like feeling sad- so confusing sad- really gets her mad.  this is another step in her growth, like watching 'where the red fern grows'.    (www.bestillandknowkw.blogspot.com/2010/10/where-red-fern-grows.html)

this is a really important step in her right brain development.  to allow herself to feel and process complex emotions- to not just react to them- to not avoid them.  i explained to her that feeling nostalgic is a normal and important human emotion- that feeling it connects her- it doesn't isolate her- but that when we're feeling nostalgic we often do feel alone in our memories- and that is OK.  that is part of the feeling.  she had a brief moment of mild stickiness- she calmly asked why i hadn't told her this before. (that is one her "sticky thoughts"- the "why didn't you tell me that before?" said randomly over very silly things like in response to me saying " i just had a delicious muffin".) i explained that it's a more grown up emotion and it's the first time she'd really expressed it in a way that we could talk about it. i told her i was so proud of her for sitting with the feeling- for letting herself be in that place i know was uncomfortable for her, and then for so eloquently sharing it.

i'm looking ahead to this next year.  this year of major preparation- of house selling and fund raising and packing but of also of living and working and teaching.  i'm looking back at this first half of our homeschooling "5th grade" year- at what we've accomplished and what we've not finished.  i so easily get lost in the specifics, in the schedule, in the grammar of it- the minor keys.  so it's good to have this break - this time of reflection- of step back- of big picture viewing. a time to be reminded of our real goals.  to sit by the fire with her as the snow falls.  to see a flicker of her deep learning- that blue-green flame in the midst of the roaring fire.

venturing outside the comfort zone

i have really great friends. i have a really great family. they put up with me. with my goings on. and on, and on. i was up for 2 hours in the night- that evil time from 2-4 when all logic is out the window and my half-asleep brain, lets my emotions/ fears/ and what ever else wants to join in, govern me. i must have been dreaming about brain balance- about zoe in some therapy- and i awoke feeling like i was being "taken" by this whole brain balance thing. that it must be a hoax. a money-making gimmick. so i lay there, alone, as mike was out of town, in fear. nothing felt right. brain balance or not doing brain balance, it just all felt wrong, which should have been an indicator to roll over and go back to sleep or go get a benadryl, but i just lay there, mulling it over and over. ( a little sticky, the apple doesn't fall far).

in the morning, i ran to my computer to dig up whatever "proof" i could come up with about how ridiculous the whole thing is. about the quackiness of it all. to relieve my type A, medical doctor, analytic left-brained mind, that in fact, yes- i'd solved the case and it was a farse. and when i'd found a few articles validating my stance- i got on the phone. i talked and talked. i pleaded my case. i wanted to find someone to agree that this is crazy. that i don't need to drive to roswell three times a week. that i don't need to change our diet drastically. basically that my summer can be sitting at the pool, or doing fun activities and eating lots of sugar and carbohydrates and milk. but perhaps the scariest of all- that if we do this- my summer will be a risk. and what if it doesn't really work.... and then we've tried everything, and where does that leave us? where is the hope in that? or perhaps it's that i've spent years, getting to a place where i'm Ok with who she is, with who she's not, with not being in control, with not fixing it. and suddenly it's about control. it's about diet, and vitamins and amino-acids and supplements. and ironically, the control part is scary.

so after my restless night, i was about to pull the plug. i was about to call and say no. this is too out there for me, this is not in my comfort zone. i need to have my summer. i need to wait. i need pastries, donuts and milk. just before i called, i decided to call the woman who'd first mentioned it to me. the woman who i've never met, who'd read the blog, who'd contacted me and said i should look at brain balance. a woman who has a "zoe". a woman who gets it. and she answered and we talked. she too had been skeptical. she too didn't want to make a big diet change. but she too wanted the best for her girl and nothing else had proven to do it, so she'd drank the kool-aid. and for her it worked! not a 'cure' - but big improvement. improvement that other people noticed, who didn't know they'd changed anything. and that for me, was enough. it was enough- to not abort mission. enough to start the drive to roswell. enough to try it.

so we'll await the blood test and results. we'll follow what they say- for three months- and we'll hope and pray that her brain will become more balanced. that things will make more sense - will come easier. that life won't seem like such a mystery.

so while i'm staring nervously at a giant bottle of fish oil - unopened- i'm excited to try. excited by the hope, that what has worked for others - could work for her. that non-traditional approaches will teach this western doctor to think outside the box (and the literature). because really, i'm imbalanced too. so governed by the left brain. right brain deficient. so maybe after three months we'll both come out better.

we start tomorrow- away we go.....