“Thus, when you wake up in the morning, called by God to be a self again, if you want to know who you are, watch your feet. Because where your feet take you, that is who you are.”
― Frederick Buechner, The Alphabet of Grace
― Frederick Buechner, The Alphabet of Grace
there are some books that i just need to read, and re-read and keep near my bed, because they hold truths that i seem to continue to forget. my many moments can steal away the things i need to remember. to not just remember, but to live in. the words of Fredrick Buechner, especially The Alphabet of Grace, are some of those words- poetic wisdom- truth- faith- but real real. he's not afraid of messy- he doesn't need packaging- he's not scared to leave us in the gray spaces.
today my feet took me down the path to church with my children following behind and mike and his parents and a visitor beside us. today my feet wore high heels and i had to watch them so i wouldn't fall. today i was watching my feet for the wrong reasons- damage control- not reflection- not self-awareness.
today my feet walked with my children to sunday school, each with their own selves coming out.
bryn eager to please, announcing he didn't need me to accompany them.
jude concerned that if i left i'd never be able to find him after the adult service.
and zoe. appearing fine.
but after a few songs and a definite sense of overwhelm- lots of kids, small spaces, echo-y voices- the unraveling began. zoe began folding her hands inside out and stretching her arms and wiggling her feet and loudly whispering that she needed to go home. the more i whispered a refusal, the more agitated and adamant she became. and then i began to unravel- subtly- but none the less- unraveling on the inside.
i have a desire for order, for dependable, for no surprises. i don't want to have to go to children's church- i did that for 18 years- i want to go to the adult service- but zoe seems to need a helper. and if i have to make this sacrifice- then i want it to be rewarded with success- zoe being able and engaged in her class. i don't want her to not be able to handle it- it reads as failure- it reads as messy. and i don't want to have to leave in the middle with a trail of blond heads bobbing behind me.
but we did. we left. and our feet took us right out of the children's chapel and straight up the path to home. i was quiet as i hiked up in the blue suede heels- no longer watching my feet to avoid stumbling- now instead, watching where my feet were taking me. very aware that this is my life. that where my feet are taking me, that why my feet are taking me, this is who i am.
i began to think about what that means.
" 'What's to be done?' and the answer that life gives is: live in the needs of the day. What's to be done? Do what you need most to do this day and what is most needed of you. Where your feet take you today is who you are. Guide thou my feet O Thou invisible, manifest thyself, clack-clack, in this visible day."
the needs of the day. the needs of all days. they are dependable- they are the six feet wandering the path beside me. some more needy than others. some days more needy than other days. and thank God they are full of surprises.
the needs of the day are to let my feet be flexible in their path. to let them get up and walk out of sunday school if the need this day is to be with God outside- is to let zoe's feet lead her in who she is. because really what i want is more than sitting in church, it's more than 'normal', it's bigger than sitting still because she's supposed to in class. really what i want is to wake up in the morning, called by God, to be self again. really what i want is for my children to each wake up in the morning, called by God, to be their selves again. different selves from each other and from me. really what i want is for our feet to walk in Grace- to walk us together- to who we are- even if it's right back up the red dirt path to home. even if it's messy. because life is and so is faith.
"Faith is disorderly, intermittent, full of surprises....faith is homesickness. faith is a lump in the throat. Faith is less a position on, than a movement towards, less of a sure thing, than a hunch. Faith is waiting..."
so here i will wait.
