independence day

i love fireworks- sparkly things lighting up the night.
last night i watched them from the roof of my car looking out over the manchester harbor with the sliver of a moon reflecting on the water- along with all those dazzling lights.
but i was a hard day too.

hot and humid and in the new england world of no air conditioning - you can't get away.  sticky outside and inside.  and so was zoe.  stickier-out of sorts as i knew she would be- new environment- different people- different things to do and eat and sense.  i hate being right about these sorts of things.  i'd so much rather be wrong.
but this is my life- it's often not pretty.  it's weird and different and doesn't make sense to other people. but this is what it is.  and so you go with it. live it best you can but it's still hard.

a few summers ago when things were really rough for zoe and for me we were in the car going to the pool, listening to switchfoot.  this song came on whose beginning doesn't sound great to me- so i was about to change it when zoe said- "no mom, this is a great song!"  so i stopped and listened- and she was right. 

'Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don't close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be?'

it made me cry and smile.  because there was my girl - belting it out in the way, way back of our car.  and there was i, feeling like my life was full of broken promises- that it was not all that i had dreamed it would be, that i often do close my eyes, and i was left asking the question- am i who i want to be?  and i was left with the reminder- the plain old truth of it- This IS my life.

so in this disrupted time now- in these disrupted days- with my disrupted daughter and my disrupted self-i'm again asking the question: am i who i want to be?

it's finding that balance- it's acknowledging where we are- what our life is not- how it's different from what we dreamed it would be- and accepting- but always asking- am i who i want to be in this?  am i who i want to be when it's not what i would have signed up for?  when it's been a really sticky day for zoe?  when my kids feel displaced and out of sorts? when the second buyer for the house pulls out and we go back on the market?  when mike is gone for two weeks?

it makes me think back to that movie 'the tree of life'- the question posed at the beginning of the movie- are you going to choose to live by human nature- or grace?

it's just easier to fall into frustration and anger at life when things are hard- when we feel like we're suffering.  it's harder to find the grace- to live in it- to grow in it.

last night, before the fireworks, mike and i went to singing beach in manchester.  it had just rained stormily and the sky was intense. we walked up this short boardwalk over the sand- that dull, splintery hollow-sounding path- and looked out over the ocean and back at the sun setting over the land.  it was beautiful.  mike wanted to go put his feet in the water- which meant being far from our illegally parked car- but we took the risk, left our shoes and walked in the rain wet sand down to the ocean. and that is when i remembered how going a little further- how taking a little risk- can dramatically change your perspective- how much more beautiful life can be. 

from the ocean we had a full view.  from the ocean we could see the entire sunset back over the land- those crazy, intense clouds, the pockets of darkness, the crescent moon, the pink, the lavender and the calm of the lapping water- the scattered rock poking through- the light on the harbor masters boat- the transition from day to night. 

up on the boardwalk- i had thought it couldn't get any better- i didn't want to leave it because i was savoring the beauty.  but that sandy walk to the sea opened it all up.  from that new place i saw so much more.  the view was bigger, deeper, encompassing, passionate and full. wet sandy feet and the smell of low tide in the last of the light of the day.

there was my moment of grace.
 

zoe means life in greek

yesterday mike and i went to the movies and saw  'the tree of life'.
it is intense.  it's a beautifully done, artistic movie about human nature vs. grace, about God's presence in the creation and in the suffering in the world- it is this seen through the eyes of different family members as they process their life with each other and their place in the world- as they question the why's of life- as they find their peace.  mike loved it.  i want to say i loved it too, but it messed with my head.  it some how pushed my buttons- made me feel like i'd just had a really rough therapy session- and needed another one but wasn't going to get one.  it made me acutely aware of how complex- how complicated each person is- how we have no control over other peoples interpretations or perspectives on  life- on how they interpret our lives- or our lives together.  and i think all that scared me- especially as a parent.

i haven't been writing much about zoe lately- about living and loving and learning with her.  i've been writing more about me. about my process. about our lives through my perspective.  that movie reminded me that my children are each as much a person as i am, they've just been around for fewer years. and it made me wonder- what life looks like for each of them.   about their perspective.  how they see and hear things - what words are weighted more heavily - about what visions they hold on to- no two people see a scene the same way- or hear exactly what the other said in a conversation.    i wonder especially how zoe sees it- how her life is right now.  what is her perspective on what i've been writing about - and living in- this change, this move.

*
'things are changing.  i don't think i like it.  first my toys- my stuffed animals- my dolls- then my dog.  don't they know those are my friends? don't they know what those things mean?  they make sense to me.  they are reliable- people aren't.  they have the same face- they have faces that don't change- i know them- i can trust them- i feel safe with them- i'm not confused- i'm not left behind.  my dog knows me- she gets it- she doesn't care if i flap my hands when i'm excited- or if i laugh my crazy loud laugh.  she is there when things don't make sense and when i need a friend.  she never tells me to be quiet.  but she's going to someone else and i'm left with my self- with my brothers who have each other- with my parents who have each other.

what will it feel like in uganda?  it will be so different.  it will be so far away.  what if i need my ama?  she gets me too- she loves me even if i'm silly and sticky- she doesn't get mad at me because things are scratchy and because the clock ticks too loudly.  and what about my friends?  what if i can't make new friends there?  what about my old friends here? it's already different.  it's already changing- my dresser is gone- my old books- and the porch looks different and i'm supposed to stuff things into one pink bag.  why are they doing this anyway?  why can't we just stay here?  what is wrong with here?  why can't it just be the way it is- why do we have to move?  i don't understand.  life is confusing enough the way it is now.'
*

is that what it looks like from her eyes?  is the light different? and the sounds of the world? and the feel of it all on her skin?

today we went to the doctor.  the kids had their yearly physical- everyone needed shots.  "be careful! i'm extra sensitive.  my skin feels things more."  and it does.

today we made cards for ama (my mom) because it's her birthday.  zoe drew a garden- flowers, trees, butterflies, the sky, the sun and the ground.  the tree was very complete- leaves and trunk and roots- but the roots floated up above the ground- like fingers reaching down to find the earth.  all the parts there- but not connected with each other.  her world looks different- it feels different from mine.

but doesn't it for everyone?  don't we all see it differently?

the sky is brilliant right now- glowing orange from the west- reaching through the trees.   it's pink and blue and purple on the top.  the tree frogs tonight are not their usual constant hum- they are alternating between loud and eager with brief silence- like they have a story to tell.  what sounds and colors am i missing?  what things would zoe hear?

i love what her name means- life.

ζωη(zoe) n. - greek "life". Life in the absolute sense, life as God has it.

zoe- in the absolute- zoe- as God has it.

who am i?  i am just one.