never the last thing......

"resurrection means the worst thing is never the last thing." beuchner

that is it.  that is truth.  there is hope. we go on.  we get up and breathe and make coffee and bathe.  we work and laugh and take out trash and share our stories. we remember and we cry but our smiles can still be as big and our lives can still be as full as before that day, whatever day it was, when the world as we knew it, fell apart.  when the worst thing that can happen, happened to us, whatever that was.

i even have proof.

yesterday was the birthday party for our friend precious.  she turned nine and it was her first birthday without her brother timothy.  it was one of the first times i've been back to their home since he died. at home. in his moms bed. the first time my kids had been back to sit on that bed since losing their friend.  it was hard and sad and beautiful and heartbreaking and wonderful and just as it should have been- all those things at once- because that is what life is- all those things at once.

i think it was in december last year when i began to disappear.  to feel the weight of loss and suffering and my real inability to do much about most of it. timothy died.  a few days later, lilian's baby was born- hope, promise, beginnings- a few days later he died too.  two funerals in one week.  two coffins that shouldn't be that small.  two women who shouldn't have lost their babes.  there was darkness.  i felt it.  and there was light too and there was lamentations 3:21-22 and underneath there were the everlasting arms.  but i was sitting on the outside of the circle of that given grace- that promised real palpable grace that comes only when really needed and only to those really in the need.  it wasn't my boy who died.  it wasn't my child i buried- i was on the edge, feeling the ripples of it.

but something inside of me shrunk- something began to fade away. something became a bit lost- i know this because i became quiet in my writing words. yet the grace comes in other ways too for other people who might not be so close, but still get burned by the fires in each others lives. it takes time and process, and there was grace in yesterdays party.  grace in seeing the goings on. grace in eating cake together and juice and chapatis. grace in the sun being out- grace in gathering with no tears- grace in singing happy birthday and many more. grace in the community- that we were there- that we were not consumed.

this is beatrice and lilian yesterday at the party.  they are whole.  they still smile and cry - but they are ok.  the worst wasn't the last. 

this is precious- see she is precious :) her smile is real. her joy is there. as tim would want.

this is jude at the party- my second born- my story of sitting in the center of the storm of grace- he just turned nine like precious. 

this is the house where we sat 6 months ago and cried over tim's body, and couldn't imagine eating cake and celebrating- but.

but the worst thing is never the last thing.
even when we feel it really will be the last of us.  even when we can't imagine another step.  even when we don't want to get up the next morning- or we get up and forget for one moment what it was we cried ourselves to sleep over- only to then remember. even then. 

it's never the last.

the grace comes as remembering this- the moments when we see someone smiling big again, despite.  the grace is given when we can pick up our pens or our paintbrushes or the phone, and we can slowly return to who we once were, except maybe even bigger, or wiser, or better. when after a while- transformation comes- and from that- a new wholeness. so let us remember.

As it should be

I am out on the porch in a rain storm. All I can hear is the rain and the sky. The world is closed and quiet- I am quieted. As it should be. Silenced by what is bigger than i- made small again - so small- as I should be. I have taken long with out writing - with out being here - called out in a message yesterday - 'you are lost' - yes gabi I am. Lost in certain ways from certain places- found in other ways- I hope- or at least searching- at least on a path- moving slowly somewhere. As I guess it should be- for all of us.

Sometimes I feel so unbelievably lucky- like last night - putting children to bed- knowing they are safe- when so many aren't. Thankful for their stories and their little lives that become bigger all the time. Hearing what they love and fear and wait for- so different from each other.

They just got home and piled out of the car in the exact order I would predict. Jude of course was first- organized- ready for what's next - seatbelt off at the gate- hand on the door
- bag on his back. Then Rose - eager to please- small and quick. Then Bryn - takes his time- somewhere in thought- purposeful. Long pause.....then Zoe. Always last- always operating in her own time-  bless her- unbound by our impositions - dancing to her own song- one that only she can hear. One I wish I knew - if only to remember - that it's different but beautiful- perhaps like nothing I've ever heard.  sometimes I wonder if it's the song of the angels- sung sweet and constant and available but only listened to by those special unbound ones. It is usually through Zoe that I can see my constraint- my limitations.

The rain has stopped. The sky is quiet and the world again is full and loud- as it should be. And slowly i am coming back.

what you look for and what you find

i am in greece. i am not in africa.  and those are equally significant.

i am at at medical missions conference- the same one i was at 2 years ago in kenya- and once again- i am learning that God's ideas of what i need are so not my ideas of what i need and God's way is the way to go.

i came here stumbling.  i came here desperate and grappling and worn down and looking for answers. i came here with a list of what 'i needed'.  i needed repair and reminding but i had my list of what that looked like.  and it looked very specific and orchestrated and complete to me. 

i came here with questions like:

'what should we do about zoe? about her schooling? her special needs? and our needs around her special needs?'

'how is all this sustainable? financially? emotionally?'

'how long should we be in africa?'

'what exactly is our mission?'

and i was pretty sure that on the first day i would be blown away- because i know that is how God works.  because i know that surely we are not the first missionaries on the field with a special needs child. because God is big and knows this. because it was all on my list.  

so i was pretty sure  that God would seat me next to a missionary who had been there and done that.  that i would connect with someone who had a zoe.  that someone would tell me the secret of how to do it.  that miraculously i would hear of a perfect school for her- that doors would open- someone would 'get it'- we wouldn't be alone with it- answers would come. 

i figured the topic for the week (there is a speaker who leads the morning service each day) wouldn't be talking about special needs children, but perhaps be talking about missionary sustainability- or burn out- the other things on my list. the list i had showed God.  the list God knew i needed checked off.

and i waited. i went to the morning talks, and i talked with various people at meals and breaks and on the boat trip we took...and i waited.  but.

but no one i spoke with said anything about special needs or schools or anything like that, and the topic of the week was not about missionary burn out. it was titled 'Jesus is God...so what?' 

so i listened.  i listened to the speaker and to the stories of those around me, and to mike, and to my parents who are also here.  and do you know what? i did get answers. 

i got big, much more valuable and important answers to questions that are much bigger and more important than my little list of questions.  and what is more important, is that i was asked some questions that demanded my answers.  questions that had become small and tucked away. questions that have resurfaced periodically in my years- but questions that need to sit with me daily. questions that when they sit in the forefront of my life, make all my other questions become appropriately small and almost insignificant.

questions like:  if God is God, if Jesus is God, am i willing to serve even when it's costly?  even when it's harder than i thought? even when the answers to questions aren't obvious and resources are scarce? even when i am away from my support system and my family? because Jesus said that it would be costly. following God is not supposed to be easy because life isn't easy and obedience isn't easy.  following God is costly when we take it seriously because of what we are asked to do. we are supposed to love our enemies.  we are supposed to take care of the poor, the widows and the orphans.  we are supposed to give our money, our time, our resources to help each other in this world- and we are supposed to do this to whatever level we are asked.  we are not all asked to give up everything we have- but some people are.  we are not all asked to leave our homes- but some people are.  we are not all asked to have special needs children- but some people are.

and questions like: if God is God, if Jesus is God, am i going to trust the promise that God will give me everything i need to do anything He asks me to do? not somethings, sometimes, maybe.  but everything. always. to do anything.


so i got a life that involves a challenge that i didn't necessarily sign up for.  so i didn't think i'd have a child who probably will not go to college and will live with us for the rest of our lives- does that give me a pass to not be where i feel God has asked me to be?  am i going to trust that God will give me everything i need to raise her, where ever that is? even when i can't see past one year ahead? even if i don't have a perfect plan for the rest of her formal education? even when i want answers and i want them now, and the answer is 'wait' and 'trust' and 'be in today'.

one of the things mike learned over lent was that obedience is the place to begin the path to understanding.  we all teach this to our children all the time, usually for safety.  so i decided a good place for me to start was to read my bible, because God said i should.  because God wants to be known and that is one way to understand Her.  so i started in Genesis and i decided to read it like a book instead of little chapters. the first chapter is the creation story- and what surprised me was how much it focused on time.  God made day and night and then morning and evening and then seasons and years.  God made time and God talks about time right from the start.  

i think the reason for this might be because He knew that i would come along a long time later in the history of the world, and that i for one, would need to begin again. like every day.  or even every morning and again every evening. that i would need a limit- a setting- a period that could be possibly manageable- or at least not entirely destructible.  i think He knew that if given anymore than 12 hours- with out rest and sleep and darkness and change and a moon and stars- i would surely be destroyed by my days.  because He doesn't say "pick up your cross and follow me"  He says "pick up your cross DAILY and follow me" because any longer would be impossible- because the weekend is too long- and a month? and forever? no.  bits.  pieces.  moments.  choices.  this is where we live.

can i get through breakfast and be gentle? can i help zoe in the bathroom and not kill her? can i practice love and patience until dinner? GOD GETS US! She does. this is the grace.  this is part of the provision.  

i don't need to know all the answers.  i need to know the right questions.  or at least i need to be okay with the day i've been given.  

in our lives we are asked by God over and over again if we will trust and love and follow Him....despite whatever is in our days.   you just lost your best friend.... am I still God?  your child has autism.....it's so hard....am I still Love?  you can't get pregnant....am I still worthy? you have everything you ever wanted....do I still matter?  

today... two days before we leave, when i've been given the questions, i went to a talk on autism, on the DSM-5, the new definitions and criteria of autistic spectrum disorders.  it was helpful and incredibly humbling to be reminded of how my first born struggles through her days in a way i can't imagine. and it reminded me again of my need to be just in the hours not days not the months not the years...just the hours.  to trust the grace- the provision- the promise.   

i came to greece, away from africa and my kids and my life and my days, craving and empty.  i came with a list and desire for knowledge and a plan.  but i will leave with something different. i will leave with a readjustment. a bit of transformation and realignment. with an awareness that the answers are often in front of us-  what should we do about zoe? love her. really love her. what about her schooling, her special needs? our needs around her needs? trust in God's promise- that we are and will be given enough- just enough- for what we need, for what she needs.  that our sustainability is not something we can put into a spreadsheet- it is also found in obedience and trust and leaning into the everlasting arms.  that our time in africa is now- and that is enough for us to know.  that our mission exactly isn't about titles and positions, it's about serving in our day, even when it's hard- even when it's costly.

so we will leave greece.  we will go back home to africa. and the second one is much more significant.