we'll get there

this week of home schooling has had days when being a patient at mulago might be slightly more appealing.  per mike and zoe's report, monday and tuesday hadn't gone too well, so i woke up ready to be flexible, to avoid conflict, to remain cool as a cucumber.  i even had a plan.  get the bad stuff out of the way first, but make it less bad and then the whole day will go better.  so we started with the dreaded copy work- only instead of copying the summary of her history reading, i chose to let her write out the song she'd been singing all morning repetitively, that old classic 'i lost my poor meatball'.  this was a good choice and instead of the 40 minutes of complaining i usually get, i had 20 minutes of singing and laughing.  but somehow it still went down hill and after about the fifth discussion about how 'learning is stupid' and me trying to convince her of it's importance - it ended in me deciding that i was done (for the day that is), that maybe 'teaching is stupid' at least when you have a student who doesn't want 'help' and doesn't care to learn (especially and perhaps only, when her parents are the teachers).  as i'm walking away, calmly down the hall, but inside cursing myself for jinxing us with said post, i hear her beginning to sing. then she goes into the kitchen and begins to peel a cucumber while in full song, thankfully not 'i lost my poor meatball'.  instead she is doing a talking therapy song, "ohh noo, i shouldn't have donnnneee that."  then i hear florence responding back in song- "eeeeaaat weeeel be okayyyyy."  like my own little operetta.  
thirty minutes later after apparently having practiced, she comes into the office in full song with hand gestures and to a made up tune, a little like 'elf',

"i'm sorryyyy mommyyyy.  i do want to leaaaaarn and i love you.  you can always help me-e-e-e-e, i won't mind.  i still neeeeed you, so please please keep on teaching me! i promise! i promise! i'll tryyyyyayayayay."

it was hysterical. 

i listened to the whole thing, loving it, and loving her.
then replied that it was lovely, and she was lovely and i love her but that actions speak louder than words, and songs, a saying which of course required an explanation.  one that i was happy to give. and thankfully, one that was happily received.  we'll get there.  

living in these walls

yesterday i went for a run.  my first run since i've arrived in africa.  it wasn't exactly the process time i needed- i felt more like i did in costa rica- like this tall white girl gangling along the paths, weaving between students stares as i headed for the track.  but.  it was good to feel like i was inside my skin again.  good to have the parts working together.  good to get blood to the brain early in the morning.  good to feel the pain and tired that comes with not having run in 3 months- to be reminded before i jumped into my day with zoe- that life doesn't always feel good and that there is work involved- but also to be reminded of gentleness.  i had planned to run a mile on the track- but only did 1/2 a mile, i was able to be gentle with myself- to allow myself to ease into it.  but mostly i felt refreshed and able to not take it all so personally. 

because this week, i've been taking it personally. this week i'm having engine trouble in the home-schooling realm of my world.  we've had several 'off' days.  and i do me "we"- zoe and me.  mostly these days serve as a way for me to blatantly see my lack of skills.  i mean, i really struggle with being flexible, with not 'accomplishing' things, with 'going with the flow' but in my defense, 'the flow' feels more like being stuck in peanut butter.  i get so irritated when she's not doing the basics- like copying her three sentence quote- or when she decides to just leave the breakfast table to see the new, used dryer, and turns on the washing machine- which is already full of clean clothes.  it just irks me.  and what's worse is that i take it personally.  add to it that i have an audience. all. the. time.

florence, who i love, is in our house, every day, all day.  she has a relatively non-intrusive presence - but the presence of anyone in our space while trying to teach, trying to be patient, trying to sit and refocus someone again, and again, is very hard for me.  i feel watched and evaluated.  i mean she can hear everything that comes out of my mouth.  i can't explain it, i'm sure it's just me, but i feel examined, under the microscope, kind of naked.


so the past couple of days, i've decided to move the home-school spot out of our home and into our "study" aka- junk room.
note the comparison. 

living room

sitting area/ dining room

home-school/ junk room

yes that is a table saw in the middle of the room, and dissembled bunk beds and our trusty white board.

so what is the answer?  to redo the 'study'?  to create a good home school space?  that will help- yes.
to be more tolerant of someone being in our house? yes- definitely. 
to be more forgiving of zoe? -yes, of course. 
to be more forgiving of myself?- yes-that too.

also, i need to get up- to smell the fresh air- to remove myself from these cement walls- to get it together yo'.
to return to those little routines that balance me out.  those things that help me to actually practice tolerance and forgiveness. 
a nice room is great.  but a peaceful spirit is life-giving.

december

december is my favorite month of the year. christmas time and my birthday and lots of little white lights and sometimes snow and people in general are supposed to be happy. it's also reliable- the music, the colors, the themes, the decoration- it's always the same.  and there is comfort in that reliability.  it's sort of soothing in a rapidly changing time.

december is a month of preparation and reflection- whatever religious background- because it's the end of the year and almost a new one. and when things end- people tend to think back and review- it's a softer time- often a time of forgiveness and reconciliation and honesty. a time when people may give each other a break when they might not if it were june.

but it can also be an especially sad time if people are lonely or overly busy or experience loss or for whatever reason, can't get into the spirit that we're supposed to be in.  because then you feel guilty on top of it.

so i've been reflecting.  this week was hard.  it felt transitional.  moving out of thanksgiving and into december.  zoe has had a rough week. transitions are harder for her, and apparently they are for me too. but we've wrestled through it. today i saw my therapist and she helped me to unpeel some things - which tends to reveal more stuff to be unpeeled- but i guess i'm moving somewhere.  we were talking about fear and blame in relation to homeschooling and homeschooling special needs kids-which for me are stuck together because i only teach zoe.  i have all this fear about how much she is or isn't learning, about whether she'll ever be able to go back to school, about if i'm helpful or harmful to her self identity.  and i worry that i'll look back and blame myself if all goes 'wrong' (and what would that even be or look like? i don't know)- i said ' if she were in a school then i could blame them' "why? why would i blame anyone?"  i guess inside, i'm a whole lot of crazy.

to blame is to push the causality of a bad outcome onto someone or something- it's also a burden on the recipient when something goes wrong.  this is black and white thinking.  a right way.  a wrong way. guilt. blame. vs. freedom from responsibility. and in this case, it implies knowledge of what a good or bad outcome would be.
is there one?
it's all much more complicated than that- it's a life- not a true / false question.  the good outcome is her health and happiness and sense of value and love for God and others.  but is it also, her ability to take an SAT test  or to get into college if she wants to? these things i struggle with- and that is OK- but they shouldn't suffocate me- they shouldn't strangle us.

we talked about energy and creativity.  i have a lot of energy and creativity but where is it being channeled?  too often it seems to be used worrying about outcomes or stressing about what we're not getting accomplished or blaming myself for failing zoe as both a mother and a teacher.   i love to engage people- to give and share energy and creativity - to exchange it- that is why i love working with patients- sharing their energy or giving some of mine- creatively problem solving with them.  and it dawned on me that i'm not very good at giving that to my kids.  so often my energy exchange with them is negative and my creativity is stifled.  with zoe it's out of fear- what if .... what if.....what if

what if i painted a picture with her and taught her to ice skate instead of doing math? ( dundunduuuuu )
would i ever allow myself the freedom and creativity to do that?  can i not stress that she doesn't know the exact dates of marco polo's travels or the detailed and depressing history of the english royalty?  (as if i knew or even know that now!- where do these 'standards' come from?)

so when i returned from the therapy appointment i challenged myself to make the afternoon different. baby steps.  it started with an apology for being psycho-mom- for spewing negative energy at her- for operating out of fear.  then we baked brownies with her littlest brother and made snowflakes for the windows. 

now it's looking more like december in my house.  soon we'll get the tree and put up the lights. and i will continue to reflect- to be honest- to reconcile and forgive-maybe mostly, myself.