our days, our choices

what is in our days? 

we sit with time, in it, around it, pushing it, fitting it, squeezing what we can from it.  time goes on with or with out us, ignoring what we do or don't do with it, whether it's packed and busy or empty or appreciated or not.  so it's up to us to make it be beautiful.  we have a choice- each moment is a choice.  i don't mean that in an overwhelming way, or a burdensome way, but in a way that we should remember.

i've been having a lot of migraines this year.  i've spent a bunch of time trying to figure out why- what the triggers are- what foods, drinks, smells, weather patterns, sleep patterns, stress levels- predict a headache, what is causal, what ingredients go into to my small version of suffering.  so far i'm kind of stuck, i don't know what causes them, and i'm so very sick of thinking about it, talking about it, expending any energy trying to understand, that i've given in- i'm realizing that i might not know- it might be random- i may have very little control.   and i still have my days, my children, my work, my life.  those things don't change if i have a migraine or not. so i have a choice.  i always have a choice. 

this week i've had about 4, thankfully only one was really bad. it's discouraging, annoying, and obviously uncomfortable but i would never have called it suffering.  when i was in kenya i was talking with someone who said his wife "also suffers from migraines".  i remember saying, "well, i don't know if i'd describe it as suffering."  and he thought i was a little bit crazy and wondered if i actually do get migraines or know what one is because clearly you'd describe it as suffering.

i think he's right.  there is suffering.  my head hurts, my body hurts, i'm often off balance, my head is foggy, sounds and light and smells bother me and my mood is bad.  there is enduring pain and distress and knowing that it will return.  but my question has changed from what is the cause of this suffering, to what can i do with it?  what choices can i make with this thorn in my side?


i can choose to not let it stop me.  i can choose to get up and get on with my life and make dinner and bathe people even when i'm feeling poorly. i can choose to feel fabulous and be so, so very thankful for days like today when i'm headache free.  but i can also choose to be more gentle, to be patient, to be more kind to myself, and to be forgiving.  i can use it to remember that life doesn't need to run at a neck breaking pace all the time, that slowing it down can be good, that life is harder when you feel out of whack. 

maybe this thorn is revelation.  maybe it's to stop me in my tracks and force me to see life for zoe in a way that i couldn't have with out migraines. to know a part of her world- sometimes off balance, sounds too loud, lights too bright, clothes too tight. now i can understand her better.  so maybe i can accept the quirks, and love her ability to be happy most of the time despite feeling off.  maybe i can learn from watching her choices, learn from her choice to power through a life that feels out of whack. maybe these migraines will help me to be more tolerant of her slowing down, more forgiving of her oversensitivity and more in awe of her endurance. 

"Suffering carves space in our heart to be more accepting, loving & forgiving." phileena heuertz

maybe that's why it hurts.  it's the carving.  but inside is a gift, inside there can be space. and accepting, loving and forgiving? i want to be these things.

so i will breathe deep and enjoy today and be softer to zoe, and softer to others, because we all suffer in some small unacknowledged way.  breathe.

maybe migraines are better than GFCF diets

i never thought my christmas wish list would consist of: xanthan gum, children's toothpaste, and head lamps- but it does.  gone are the days of a pair of nice jeans and a good book and some bubble bath (although those would be nice too!)  the list is an ever growing compilation of things that are hard to get here, very necessary, and would basically make my life better. 

let me explain. 
the headlamp:  have you tried to do the dishes by dim candle light?  have you tried to look for something with two hands while holding a flashlight?  if you answered yes- then you can appreciate the love of the head lamp.  we have one.  one.  and it is a prized possession in our house.  

the tooth paste: we help brush six pairs of teeth a day (3 kids twice a day) that's six opportunities for people to whine and complain about the 'spicy' grown-up toothpaste, or the awful strawberry-menthol flavor of the local kids paste. 

the xanthan gum:  have you tried to find a recipe for gluten-free breads with out xanthan gum? well it's impossible. finally i googled 'gluten-free bread with out xanthan gum' and found something requiring flaxseed and a blender and electricity, none of which i have, so i'd be better off waiting for some christmas xanthan gum. 

and why am i making gluten free bread you ask? because they don't sell it here, and because i have recently joined zoe in the GFCF (gluten-free casin-free) diet and i'm searching for food that i can eat and enjoy. because i'm starving to death. 

i love bread.  pretty much all bread items.  i love milk and cheese- all types of cheese.  i also have come to see that my diet consists mainly of these things - with some vegetables and meat sprinkled in occasionally.  i'm attempting this GFCF diet for two reasons- solidarity with zoe, and i heard a migraine cure success story.  since i still get a few migraines a month i'm destined to run out of relpax, my medicine, in the next 6 months and it's not sold here.  however, at the rate i'm going, i may have starved to death anyway by then- and i won't know if this diet helped or not!

but i figured it's worth a try and even if it doesn't eliminate my headaches, i'll understand my daughter better.  it's been two days.  i have deep respect and compassion for her.  she rarely complains about what she eats or what she can't eat.  she even checks to make sure there is no gluten or dairy in the food she's given.  this tells me that either she really feels a difference or it's become a 'rule' for her- like putting on her seat belt or wearing her retainers or needing to hear 'i forgive you' instead of 'it's okay' after she apologizes for something.  i hope it's the first. 

for me, it's only been two days and i'm not sure i'll make it.  my diet has consisted of bananas and peanut butter, nuts, bolongnes sauce with out the spaghetti, dark chocolate, many anchovies and coffee with soy milk.  is it better to please the mouth or the head? i'm not sure.

right now mike is in the kitchen making pizza with the boys, i'm mildly drooling at the thought of all that cheese and the crust and the olive oil. 

maybe instead of asking for xanthan gum for christmas, i'll ask for relpax!