too early

it's too early.  it's only been two weeks.
too early to look at pictures and listen to the music that carried me at home.  and it's too early to be missing my mom and dad.  and friends i had dinners with, and book club with, and went on walks with, and called everyday.  too early to feel so far.

but i had a moment.

not of what are we doing here.  no, that i get, that i feel.
a moment of what have we left behind.  a moment of acknowledgement.  a moment of this is real, and really different.  a moment of envisioning life for my kids back in the good old US of A.

but this is me.
here.

and this is what i see.

the boys just squealed because a family of monkeys walked across our trees.
monkeys with long red tails.  and then a lizard.  and then they ran off to play whiffle ball at the house up the hill.  the house where even more monkeys live.  and friends live.  and they played with friends who i really like. 

so, it's all good.  and it's ok to miss and it's ok to be happy here too.

better

i'm back.  back to the southern heat and the tree frogs and the humidity that starts early and stays late.  the leaves look heavier now- hanging low-burdened by the long summer- tired.  and i'm back to my life again- but in fast forward.  back to 'to do' lists and packing and final appointments and doing paperwork and remembering, ahead of time, the things i might forget.

yesterday i was in a funk.  a big and deep funk.  granted august 2nd started with us awake at midnight somewhere in south carolina driving speedily down I-77 with 3 more hours until home.  we got in at 3am - put the kids to bed and slept until they woke us up at 7.  that day re-started with frustration as mike had to go into work for the day and i was left picking up the pieces of our life that had spread out over the month of being away.  after some toast and juice and a lot of coffee, and asking the kids to brush their teeth three thousand times we finally headed out for our errands.

i love how kids think you want to do errands, and then that you want to drag them along for their company.
"but we don't want to go to the car fix-it place!"
"really?  why not? it's so fun! and i'm really excited to go! and i'm even more excited about bringing you three with me! that will be fun and much easier than if i were doing it alone!"

first we went to the car body shop to get the estimate on how much it will cost to fix the side doors that were backed into last week and found out surprise surprise, that it will cost more and take longer- of course.  i told the guy i was moving to africa in 17 days and needed to sell this car- and pleaded with him to prioritize.  he said he'd try and we left the car and walked to the rental car place.  so two hours later, and after all three kids had lost dessert for climbing across the chairs in the rental car waiting room, having a full wrestling match on the floor of the waiting room and yelling about not being able to guess that the animal was a beaver in the 20 questions game we played in the rental car waiting room , we got into our rental car and drove to the market. 

at the market i found myself questioning everything- 'shoot i forgot the look in the freezer at home, maybe we have enough food for the next 2 weeks'.  trying to explain to zoe that we won't use a giant bottle of syrup in the next 2 weeks while the boys were both shoving their watermelons into the cart on top of the potato chips as i'm saying we can only buy one. in the parking lot, i saw a pregnant woman happily walking back to her car while my kids are pushing each other to see who can get in and buckle first and i'm thinking 'lady you better think twice before you do that again!'  but i realized that i was just sleep deprived- and so were my kids.

when we got home, i discovered that our home phone and the internet were down- so life as we know it was on hold. i couldn't investigate renewing our drivers licenses, or ordering our medications from canada, or downloading various forms to be filled out.  and as frustrating as that was- i really just wanted to write.  i wanted to sit quietly, to try to be still,  to create some space for myself and to write it down here.
but it's good.  because i would have poured out all my doubt and fear and overwhelm and a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself.  because i did feel sorry for myself.  i felt like everything was going wrong and it was all unfair.

it's just that leaving is hard.  saying goodbye is hard.  and things like the last trip to the market are hard- because they remind me of that.

today has been much better.  sleep is a good thing- even when it's interrupted at 2 am with random ideas of things i don't want to forget - like a good pair of hair cutting scissors.  today we did more errands - but with out chair climbing and yelling- and only one wrestling match on the floor of target :).  today we spent the afternoon with friends at their neighborhood pool.  it was 100 degrees but the water was cool and the company was so good that i didn't even notice.  the boys played with their friends and zoe met many new friends and the entire afternoon went by without a single sticky thought from her- even in a new environment- even at a pool she'd never been to before- with kids she didn't know.

and i was thankful. 
because a year and a half after starting this blog- i can write that zoe had an afternoon with out a single moment of sticky- that she is doing so much better. thankful for my month in boston with family and old friends and for how well zoe handled that.  thankful that family that comes to help out tomorrow. and that our house is under contract. and thankful for today, for friends and cool water and sleep and being back to our lives here - even if it's only for a few more weeks. 

3.5 weeks

when i was a girl, whenever i went away from home, to camp or with a friend for a weeks vacation, my mom would hide a packet of notes in my suitcase- one for each day i was away.  her way of letting me know that i would be missed, that my family was there, thinking of me, while i was away.  it was a link to home- pieces to hold on too.  sometimes there were funny notes or cards- sometimes a bible verse- sometimes just an 'i love you'. i treasured them.

i was thinking about those cards last week and i was wishing for a moment, that when i'm unpacking, i would open one of those giant suitcases and find a note from my mom.  but then i remembered that i'm not going on a trip- i'm moving.

last week i couldn't sleep. i found myself making lists in my head of what we need to do- i found myself thinking about the fact that the water won't have fluoride- wondering if the salt will be iodized- wondering how many antibiotics i should bring- and whether the ugandan customs office will have a hard time with our tourist visa and our 15 bags containing pots and pans and a years worth of ACT fluoride rinse.:)
 
but i'm realizing that none of that really matters.


i'm in florida at a conference about agriculture and community health.  i'm at my computer, which i've escaped to during our lunch hour, eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and chips, alone.  it's hotter here than it is in uganda- the air-conditioning feels good- shouldn't get used to it.  we are with out the kids which is kind of good- but we're really missing them- they are such a part of this- what we are doing.


this conference is run by a surgeon who lived in the congo for 35 years- who raised his three kids there- who quickly came to realize that the 50 people who's lives he saved in the OR each year couldn't compare with the 5000 people who never made it to the hospital, who died in the community, from diseases that don't need surgery- diseases that don't need to happen- diseases that in our country we don't die of- diseases that are preventable.  malnutrition, malaria, TB, intestinal parasites and worms.  but as he talks for hours about africa, about it's people and it's illness and it's history and it's culture and the web that all these things spin together- it is a bit overwhelming.  it leaves me aware that the preparation i've been doing for the past year is really only the preparation we need to get us there- not to live there- not to work there. 


i'm realizing that packing our lives into 15 suitcases isn't the hard part.  that landing in uganda with three kids and 15 bags after a 20 hour flight late at night in 3 weeks- is not going to be that hard.  that fluoride pills can be purchased and aren't that big a deal.  but that what we are going to do- to TEACH IT, to LIVE IT- that will be the challenge.  that embedding our family into a completely new culture and people- with the goal to help educate and improve health- that is huge.


so i'm feeling my smallness again.  
i'm feeling that ...gulp...OK....deep breath....mantra....'not consumed'....and i'm remembering that verse my dad taught to our kids (an me) on a sunday morning this spring at the mountain house in lieu of everyone going in to church.
"God has not called us to have a spirit of fear, but of love and power and a sound mind".
that is today's mantra. 

i'm seeing that it's about just going now.  it's getting on that plane.  it's showing up- with all the excitement and anticipation and eagerness and nervousness and perhaps most importantly, smallness.  it's going with the awareness that we have a lot to learn before we teach, as we teach, while we live.   that smallness doesn't mean fear.  that we are going with a spirit of love, power and a sound mind.  that might not be in my suitcase, but it will be in my heart.