and just like that there are two left.
what a strange thing, raising children. they leave and it's kind of wonderfully awful and awfully wonderful. it's the goal after all to help them become independent individuals but just when they do and they go through all that teenage drama - stretching and pushing against you and pulling into themselves- they come out lovely and promptly pack up their things and leave you.
it has been a strange summer. jude was away at camp in a leadership development program and so he was sort of already gone, but as the time time grew closer for us to pick him up, do laundry and pack up for college and drive him half way across the country, i found myself crazed. i was running around with his suit in my car, trying to find a dry-cleaner. i was worried he didn't have enough underwear, i was 'nesting' for his leaving. i think i needed a second maternity leave to prepare for his going- legit- it's actually harder in some ways then preparing for his intial worldly arrival.
i'm still in illinois, i haven't even gotten to the absence. we just said goodbye.
in reflecting on this man-child, all 6 foot 9 inches of him, i see all the stages of jude. he wasn't little for very long and in some ways he was born an old soul. as a child he was always kind and generous and very clear in what he wanted- he is not complicated and doesn't make things complicated. if he was upset, he was either hungry, tired or occasionally afraid, usually of something new.
i released him long ago. it wasn't in a bargaining way with God, it was done freely with a deep knowing that he was his own, and he was of God and that i was just entrusted to do my best with him and painful as it was, it was a great gift for all my children. in his infancy, when we found out he had a brain tumor that was inoperable, there was nothing to do but pray and we did. it was a prayer for healing and it was a prayer of release. i had asked for 5 years to get pregnant and i finally had, a prayer answered, and just like hannah in the bible, i was going to acknowledge that my baby belonged to God- no matter what. and God gave us the grace to experience his full healing and also to keep ourselves from a sense of ownership over him and really over any of our kids.
they are themselves, not extensions of us, not to fulfill things we failed to, not to represent us. they are themselves and hopefully very different from us.
today i thought i would cry but i didn't. i love this kid (all my kids) more than anything on this earth, but i'm not sad, i'm so happy. he is right where he wants to be. there will be challenges, and there will be support and growth. he's got this.i'm so proud of who jude is, of the kind of man he is becoming. i will miss him for sure and i look forward to his next trip home and to hear about his world that now spins on with out me in it- what a beautiful thing!
