we are getting ready to return to uganda. i purposefully took some time off between finishing work and leaving for africa to be able to be quiet and reflect a bit on this year and what it's held and what is coming and all the transitions and what God has in it and what i've learned. i hoped the weeks wouldn't be swallowed up with todo lists, which in truth, they mostly have been. today i'm trying to find some space.
when i look back to where i was 2 years ago as we were realizing that we needed to come back to the states for zoe, i can see and feel some very important changes in myself that came at the cost of me laying something down. ironically, that something was uganda.
2 years ago i was torn up inside about leaving my african home and having to return here. internally i was like a stubborn child being asked to eat her vegetables. initially i was going to God with my arms crossed and my bottom lip out saying, "i'll go, but i want you to know how much i don't want to and how much i won't like it!" i would also say things to mike like, " i NEVER wanted to end up in MASSACHUSETTS!" i could acknowledge that it was the right and good thing to do for zoe and therefore the family but it didn't feel like a choice, and in the beginning i did it willingly but not gladly, and i did it with conditions. "okay we can go back but only for 1 year!" but even as i would say that, i knew in my heart that it may be a lot longer. something inside of me couldn't speak that.
we said our goodbyes to uganda and arrived in the states and i still had a divided heart. when we started to hit roadblocks with finding the right program for zoe after all the logistics and extreme measures we'd taken, i was very annoyed at God. i mean, really? i thought. could You at least give us this break? after all, we moved all the way back here for her and now there is nothing working out? come on!
and that was when i was called out. that was when i finally got it. i was feeling miserable and stressed out and unhappy because i had decided that what was best for me and my family was to be in uganda (serving God) and that zoe's autism was derailing this plan and we needed to just be on the fast track to get back there. but actually, i had the whole thing backwards! i wasn't asking God what His plan was for me, i wasn't trusting that my joy would be found in Him wherever that is, i was trying to dictate the where and what and how. i was giving God a todo list! so instead, i gave Him uganda.
i said, and i'm pretty sure it was out loud, "i'm giving You back uganda. if You don't need us there, if You have a different plan now, if that season is over for us- i'm okay with that, Your way is better than mine. You come first." and in letting that go came freedom. and in letting it go, things started to change- out of obedience, came blessing. some of the blessing was peace. that internal battle stopped. i started seeing life more in balance. i saw my practice and my patients more as people who also had legitimate needs that i could meet, there are many types of poverty. i saw life as less black and white, that if i did live in the usa it wouldn't be the end of the world after all. my identity didn't need to be in africa, my identity is as a follower of Jesus. my work is to do justice and love mercy and walk humbly with my God, where ever that is.
what's amazing is that God gave us back Uganda, at least for now. He wanted me to learn that it's best to go through life with my hands open, not clenched. and to look out for things in my life that become so important to me, that they that replace Him as first. now when i get a sense of prolonged or disturbing restlessness i go to God and ask, what am i clinging to? show me what it is that i still haven't surrendered?
what i'm working on now is letting go of needing to know what's next. of being okay with living in the season i'm in with out trying to figure out the next one. it's a daily challenge. it's a daily opening of the hands. breathing deep. and God is saying, trust Me. you get to enjoy today and trust Me with next year. celebrate where you are. where I've brought you. this is freedom.
how? grounding in the senses is a practice of mindfulness that helps bring me back to God- listening and looking at nature, walking in it, feeling the ground and the wind, smelling what is in the air. paying attention takes me out of my thoughts and brings me to my surroundings. being thankful. laughing. singing. for me, making the choice to not out-loud process can be a way of being in the moment (sometimes. sometimes, i need to do it so i can be in the moment :).
this week we celebrate thanksgiving and i am filled with gratitude - for so many things. i can't wait to pick up zoe. i can't wait to move into this season of advent, but today is enough. today is filled with sun and blue sky and bright red berries outside the window and the sound of wind in tree branches and my children.
enjoy today.
when i look back to where i was 2 years ago as we were realizing that we needed to come back to the states for zoe, i can see and feel some very important changes in myself that came at the cost of me laying something down. ironically, that something was uganda.
2 years ago i was torn up inside about leaving my african home and having to return here. internally i was like a stubborn child being asked to eat her vegetables. initially i was going to God with my arms crossed and my bottom lip out saying, "i'll go, but i want you to know how much i don't want to and how much i won't like it!" i would also say things to mike like, " i NEVER wanted to end up in MASSACHUSETTS!" i could acknowledge that it was the right and good thing to do for zoe and therefore the family but it didn't feel like a choice, and in the beginning i did it willingly but not gladly, and i did it with conditions. "okay we can go back but only for 1 year!" but even as i would say that, i knew in my heart that it may be a lot longer. something inside of me couldn't speak that.
we said our goodbyes to uganda and arrived in the states and i still had a divided heart. when we started to hit roadblocks with finding the right program for zoe after all the logistics and extreme measures we'd taken, i was very annoyed at God. i mean, really? i thought. could You at least give us this break? after all, we moved all the way back here for her and now there is nothing working out? come on!
and that was when i was called out. that was when i finally got it. i was feeling miserable and stressed out and unhappy because i had decided that what was best for me and my family was to be in uganda (serving God) and that zoe's autism was derailing this plan and we needed to just be on the fast track to get back there. but actually, i had the whole thing backwards! i wasn't asking God what His plan was for me, i wasn't trusting that my joy would be found in Him wherever that is, i was trying to dictate the where and what and how. i was giving God a todo list! so instead, i gave Him uganda.
i said, and i'm pretty sure it was out loud, "i'm giving You back uganda. if You don't need us there, if You have a different plan now, if that season is over for us- i'm okay with that, Your way is better than mine. You come first." and in letting that go came freedom. and in letting it go, things started to change- out of obedience, came blessing. some of the blessing was peace. that internal battle stopped. i started seeing life more in balance. i saw my practice and my patients more as people who also had legitimate needs that i could meet, there are many types of poverty. i saw life as less black and white, that if i did live in the usa it wouldn't be the end of the world after all. my identity didn't need to be in africa, my identity is as a follower of Jesus. my work is to do justice and love mercy and walk humbly with my God, where ever that is.
what's amazing is that God gave us back Uganda, at least for now. He wanted me to learn that it's best to go through life with my hands open, not clenched. and to look out for things in my life that become so important to me, that they that replace Him as first. now when i get a sense of prolonged or disturbing restlessness i go to God and ask, what am i clinging to? show me what it is that i still haven't surrendered?
what i'm working on now is letting go of needing to know what's next. of being okay with living in the season i'm in with out trying to figure out the next one. it's a daily challenge. it's a daily opening of the hands. breathing deep. and God is saying, trust Me. you get to enjoy today and trust Me with next year. celebrate where you are. where I've brought you. this is freedom.
how? grounding in the senses is a practice of mindfulness that helps bring me back to God- listening and looking at nature, walking in it, feeling the ground and the wind, smelling what is in the air. paying attention takes me out of my thoughts and brings me to my surroundings. being thankful. laughing. singing. for me, making the choice to not out-loud process can be a way of being in the moment (sometimes. sometimes, i need to do it so i can be in the moment :).
this week we celebrate thanksgiving and i am filled with gratitude - for so many things. i can't wait to pick up zoe. i can't wait to move into this season of advent, but today is enough. today is filled with sun and blue sky and bright red berries outside the window and the sound of wind in tree branches and my children.
enjoy today.
