a new day

i wanted to write last night - but i refrained- for all of your sakes- because i had a headache and you would have been depressed or at least, not encouraged.

i was feeling overwhelmed and tired and homesick. i was done with the bumps and the dirt and the heat and the neediness and the constancy of those things. i was wanting the easy, quick, feel good "fixes" for the blues.  i was wanting air-conditioning and the familiar smell of starbucks and my mom. i was wanting to pack the very grumpy kids into a leather-seated, working stereo-ed car and drive down butter smooth paved streets and plop them down at osteria, where some one else cooks a delicious pizza and pasta and it comes quickly and you get what you order and even a nice cold glass of wine that doesn't come from a box.  i wanted to go to ben and jerrys afterwards and have a chocolate fudge brownie cone with jimmies on the roof deck.  i wanted to go to target and buy some cute, sparkley tank top for 9$.  i wanted, apparently, consumption.

but none of those things were available.  none of those things even have a close second here.  so i consumed the best way i could.  i went to the people magazine website and looked at other people carrying startbucks to-go mugs and wearing sparkly tank tops.  but indulging in the pity doesn't ever make you feel better.  and in the back of my head, i could hear that still small voice calling.  He was saying, "am i enough?"  but i wasn't listening.  i was ignoring. i was pretty sure that in that moment, He didn't feel like enough.

so i got in bed and began to talk to God.  i did start with "help", as in, "i'm desperate for you to show up now! here! especially since none of the things i would like to have or do are around."  i think i said something like "thank you", as in, "thank you for listening and being here even though i am pathetic for feeling sorry for myself and acting like you're second best to an anchovy pizza.  thank you for loving me, even with my ugly bits.  but now back to help..."  and last night i had a long laundry list of help- not just for me- but for many.

then i had a good long sleep, interrupted only by a very welcome call from my dad, a little piece of provision. and like psalm 30 says, weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning, this morning i can breathe. 

God hears us.  She answers us.  He shows up and holds our weary little heads in His hands. and through the words and voices of others, we are comforted. 

i awoke and i felt rested, but i still said 'help' before my feet hit the ground.
help this day to be better.
help me to be better in this day.
help me to look up and be thankful in it.
help me to know that You ARE enough.
help.

i awoke to several kind emails that i didn't even ask for from old friends.  provision (thank you sara and amy!). i awoke to no headache. provision.  i awoke to less grumpy children. i awoke with my delicious husband. i awoke to a cool breeze and good african coffee. provision.

i awoke to a new day.  a totally new day.  a new day with new chances and new opportunities and newness!  that is a beautiful thing.  that is enough.