thank you yael and brian

“Whenever there is stillness there is the still small voice, God's speaking from the whirlwind, nature's old song, and dance...”
-annie dillard

out on the porch with the sound of the lawn mower in the distance and the faint smell of its diesel fumes.  
i'm thinking about provision again, and life being full of moments that are not surprises, but orchestrations, and people responding to that still small voice.  and how in that response we meet each others needs.

today our first care package arrived.  it was so full.  full of provision and promise and encouragement.  
it came with kids toothpaste- on the day that we had completely run out of kids toothpaste.
it came with a pill box for Pius, the boy from clinic, when i haven't been able to find one.
it came with headlamps for the kids, when we're about to loose the generator.
it came with gluten-free everything.
it came as a reminder of why listening in the stillness is so important.  God hears the needs we scream out to him and he whispers them into the ears of other people. it reminded me of the need to pay attention, and the need to respond.  we are his hands and feet on earth.

it's not that i cried out to God about toothpaste or xanthum gum.  those things themselves don't matter much.  but knowing that someone read some words i'd written about things i miss from home, and chose to say- i can do that- and then did it- that matters. that the package arrived a month and two days after leaving new york, on the very day that my kids were crying about not having anymore toothpaste,  that's provision, and Gods sense of humor.  it's not that my kids need spongebob to brush- but it's a lesson to them- that God is in the details- beauty and grace are everywhere.

“The answer must be, I think, that beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them. The least we can do is try to be there.” 
-annie dillard

it somehow reminds me of the paper bead bracelets that i usually have pictured on the side.

i love this colorful ugandan paper bead jewelry.
they come in blue and red and pink and rainbow, in all different colors and shapes.

each bead is unique, made from recycled paper, made by hands that have worked so hard.
left over scraps, spun by the hands of the poor, and turned into beauty.
each bead itself might not be much. but put together they are beautiful.

my oldest and most favorite

they symbolize hope, and redemption, and grace.  and they remind me that we each have purpose and value, and that we are connected and in need of each other. that we are required to show up for each other to make the world better.  that what you see is different than what i see; that what speaks to me, might not be spoken to you.  so it matters- what we see and hear and do.  we are part of the grace and beauty.

Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.
- Robert Bresson

there is power in that.

the long ride home

i love coming home to this.  this face.  the humor of a 4 years old.  it makes me laugh even after 10 hours of driving, and patients, and poverty, and awareness of my wealth, and injustice, and even more driving.   

today was good- but i think i need to sit with it.  tomorrow i'll be back to see more and hear more.  i will continue to pause and reflect.  right now i'm just tired and trying to process the differences.  i'm amazed that people whose newborn babies are having seizures, are unable to have them worked up because of a lack of money.  people who have unexplained weight lost of 15# in 2 months, people who's upper arm diameter can fit in the circle between my thumb and first finger, people who are unable to get up and would be admitted in a heartbeat in the US, go home with a proton pump inhibitor.  

i'm trying to wrap my heart around where i end and begin in all of it.  i can do somethings- i can give to some- but i can't do it all.  how do i make these choices? 

i remember during my residency training in san francisco i was taking care of a homeless man with HIV and some bad infection requiring IV antibiotics.  he had no home, no job, no family, and no insurance, but being in the US, in a public hospital he would be treated fully, and it would be free.  he would be fed, medicined, given a bed and generally provided for. but.  the TV didn't work in his room.  i was paged multiple times in the middle of the night by the nurses saying that he was threatening to leave AMA (against medical advice) unless he was switched to another room or his TV was fixed.  i went the speak with him, try to reason with him- but i was pretty mad.  i had other sick people i needed to see, other patients that needed to get admitted, and those who were not stable, and i was hoping to get a few minutes of sleep.  instead i was running back and forth to 5C to deal with some spoiled man who was trying to 'punish me' by not staying in the hospital to get better because of a television when normally he doesn't even have a bed?? what??  the hospital was full- there were no spare rooms- i think i managed to get him to stay the night and sleep with the hope that in the morning i could find a portable TV and wheel it in to him.  i remember thinking to myself that i needed to let it go- that i'd done my best but if he'd left it was his choice.  i thought about intense parenting and boundary setting with my child- but that at 40 something in the middle of the night when i was exhausted- teaching him better boundaries wasn't worth it.  

but really...

what is wrong with this world?  people dying because they don't have access and people walking away from good access because of inconvenience?  i know that it's complicated- i do.  i know that we are all complicated and choice itself is complex, as is illness.  

but these are the things i think about.

before i moved i was lucky enough to be a part of an amazing group of women who love to do what they can to make the world better.  we got together once a month for a 'giving circle'.  someone hosted, people brought food, and someone presented an organization or a non-profit that is working to make the world more fair, to right the wrong, to bring justice and peace in places where it's not- and we all gave some money to the cause.  it was a time of fun and good food and community and priority alignment.  a few months before i left i was able to set up a fund for people in uganda who have medical need and can't afford treatment.  these friends, these women have given to this fund and these women will continue to make a difference in the lives of many. 

so on the way home from work today i stopped at the bank to take out money, so that it can begin.  tomorrow i will be able to send that baby to get his seizures worked up and treated.  tomorrow we'll be able to give that mother peace of mind- because at last she'll know what's wrong- and that she's done all she can for him.   

tomorrow there will another person with another need.  there will be several.  and i will do the best i can for them, and i will pray for wisdom. and i will be so thankful for the generosity of others who have sacrificed for me to be here, and to provide care for people across the world that they have never met, but with whom they share the moon.  

and the world spins madly on.

full sky double promise

this is what was outside my window this morning.  this full sky double rainbow.  and it was as if it was put there just for me.  God's promise.  a symbol of His love.  a symbol of his commitment. of non-abandonment.  and it came after the 'storm' of yesterday (see post nonverbal learning disorder sucks!)

but it was more than that to me.  this rainbow had the most amazing light- that is how we noticed it.  jude called us to come outside and see the light- everything was bathed in yellow- this soft, glowing yellow- and then we looked up and saw this.  a reminder of not just a future promise, but of the extraordinary provision we've felt since moving to uganda.  really. 

i wasn't counting on an easy transition.  in fact i was counting on hitting the ground hard.  i was expecting zoe to disconnect for  a while, to retreat into the safety of her mind and pull up the ladder behind her.  i was expecting meltdowns and massive sticky thoughts and anger and 'i want to go home!'.  and i was assuming that after a few days, after the initial shock and jet lag and initial excitement wore off, that i'd wake up and think- 'oh my word, what have we done! and how can we undo it.'

but that is not how it's been at all.  in fact, very much the opposite.  it was a soft landing, zoe has not retreated but engaged, if anything there have been less sticky thoughts and meltdowns and no one has asked to go home.  i wake up and thank God for getting us here because it feels so right.  not only that, but we've made friends (with people we actually like!), and so have the kids, and people have been brought into our lives, specifically zoe's life, that we couldn't have imagined.  the ugandan people as a group are joyful and loving and forgiving and optimistic and don't notice the differences with zoe, or if they do, they embrace her anyway.  

so that glorious double rainbow spoke to me.  and as it stretched across the sky, i'm sure it spoke to many people who gathered beneath, knowing, God is here. He cares.  and it's above and beyond what we can even ask or imagine.

provision

i love that word.  it makes me feel safe.  covered.  cared for.  and it is a promise- an amorphous promise- one always with out specifics.  provided for, but you won't know the how, or the when, or the what. but that promise is something that i rest in. 

provision for me is God showing up- and i've found that He responds very well to a very simple, 'help!' which comes kind of naturally to me.

this past year i've seen and heard and felt that provision, over and over again.  it's not that things have gone perfectly, or even smoothly, but our needs have been met- often, abundantly.

the other night i was restless, anxious, conflicted, basically scared and in need.  of words.  words of encouragement.  words that would help me not feel so crazy.  when i woke up there were emails from friends old and new- unsolicited words of support. people who probably responded to the nudgings.  God showing up through other people.  provision.

my mom offering to take the kids up to the mountains last week, when we had so much to do, stuff the kids would be bored by, things they didn't need to deal with.  my mom's idea, her responding to the nudgings. provision.

charlie from craigslist contacting us about helping with our yard sale. making things feel manageable. offering help when i wasn't even looking, i didn't even ask- but there it was- provision.  grace in a stranger. 

these are just small examples.  little things.  things that could be ignored or meaningless or random.  but not to me. 

why does this giant tube worm, who lives way down, miles deep in the sea, never necessarily to be seen by human eyes, why is it so magnificent and colorful? why does it look like the cover of vogue?

for me it's not random- someone cares.


God is in the small things- the details- the moments.
it's provision.

the sunset each day.  the sunrise. 
it's grace.  it's provision. 
look for it.