it has begun. 2019. windy and 'warm'-ish. we went for a walk.
looking for beauty where i was. knowing it was not what i wanted it to be. knowing it didn't match my image. i told myself it was there.
in the way the ice lay just below the water and held onto itself. in the way someone had cared to build that boardwalk through the swamp. in the way that many things lived there together, in a system, one i couldn't see, but if i were quiet enough i could hear. in my kids who ran and skipped ahead- some bigger than me now, but still young enough to enjoy this family walk.
when things feel giant and overwhelming, i often have to break them down into small bits and pieces. moments. like chewing your food so you don't choke.
it's never my first instinct, to slow down. when i encounter something i don't like but have to deal with, i'd rather gulp it down all at once with my nose pinched and chase it with a glass of milk. i'd rather close my eyes and run right on through - not slowly observe.
but.
these days i'm working on being in my life no matter what that looks like. whether it feels good or bad, fun or painful, my plans or not what i'd have picked- being in it, as it is, for what it is. not avoiding it, not denying it, not picking and choosing which parts to experience and which parts to ignore. and the best way for me to be in my life is to break it down, slow it down, hold the moments and savor them.
this is where i encounter God. where i remember not to worry because the sparrows are fed and the lilies are dressed. i am small but important.
the bog freezes, and it thaws. i can do hard things. and find softness.
