last night was one of those nights when you almost wish it was 7 am at 2 am because you're so wide awake and tormented that you might as well just get up. 2am is a bad hour. especially if you went to sleep 2 hours earlier and were woken by those 2am demons instead of choosing to be awake at 2am because something great is going on. i can never stay awake until 2 so for me, it's just a bad hour. or as in last night, a bad few hours.
i worry at this hour, about pretty much, everything. last night it started with anxiety about zoe's home schooling. that i'm not doing enough, that i'm trying to do so many other things in that time, that she's getting shafted, that i'm not pushing her enough, not giving her enough time and focused attention. i'd like to say it's false guilt, but at 2 am, i'm really wondering. then it moved into every area of worry about moving. when is it the right time to sell the cars, what if the short sale falls through, what are we really going to do with the dog, should we get rabies shots, should we take malaria prophylaxis. then began my mental todo list- my way of trying to control all my mental anxiety- which ironically creates more anxiety when i'm doing it in my head at what is now, 3:30am.
make passport application appointment,
get shots,
make will (yes! we still don't have a will!),
call the bank and see where things stand with the sale,
write thank you cards,
buy more stamps,
print more fund raising stuff,
respond to emails from yesterday,
end of the year teachers gifts,
judes star of the week project,
their forms for the ugandan school,
oh! and my work and all the things i needed to do related to my patients and the medical student course.
and so you can see- sleep was far from me.
when i did finally fall back asleep at 4, i was awoken at 5 by bryn who was upset that i didn't tuck him in when we got back from dinner last night, which i did. then at 6 jude woke us up to start the day.
today my dad forwarded me an email about rest. it was a brief commentary about the importance of rest for the body, and the mind; the spirit, the soul. in the old testament God sets aside one whole day for rest. it's one of the 10 commandments. but culturally, i think we're really bad at this- i know i am. my definition of rest is: not doing work. period. that is it. i'm incapable of napping because it feels like "i'm wasting time". it feels like there is so much fun stuff i'd rather be doing that i wouldn't want to waste it with sleep. but when i'm 'not working' and therefore 'resting' i'm still checking email, answering the phone, and probably making some mental todo list. i'm not good at slowing down.
rest- repose, relaxation, the termination of motion, mental or emotional peace or tranquility, to temporarily remain still or quiet, to be supported by.
ahh. it sounds so good! i need this. i need this not just at night- although that is important. i need to incorporate 'rest' into my days. i need to purposely set aside a time of stillness and quiet- no phones, no emails, no lists. let the mind wander and find things. let the space widen.
it reminds of me of a funny scene in 'wedding crashers' when vince vaughn is about to loose it:
"Here’s what’s gonna happen, Tonto. Kimosabe’s gonna have some flavor, I’m gonna choose not to eat with you. I'm gonna recharge my batteries, and shut down the engines, and get myself back to neutral"
i want to practice this- the recharging of the batteries, the getting into neutral, not just save it for vacation or the annual weekend retreat. i need to practice knowing when i'm getting weary, practice saying 'no', practice knowing when i need a nap- when i need to shut down the engines. and then perhaps the hardest part, allow myself to take "two long sleeps and food and a cool drink by a stream."
i worry at this hour, about pretty much, everything. last night it started with anxiety about zoe's home schooling. that i'm not doing enough, that i'm trying to do so many other things in that time, that she's getting shafted, that i'm not pushing her enough, not giving her enough time and focused attention. i'd like to say it's false guilt, but at 2 am, i'm really wondering. then it moved into every area of worry about moving. when is it the right time to sell the cars, what if the short sale falls through, what are we really going to do with the dog, should we get rabies shots, should we take malaria prophylaxis. then began my mental todo list- my way of trying to control all my mental anxiety- which ironically creates more anxiety when i'm doing it in my head at what is now, 3:30am.
make passport application appointment,
get shots,
make will (yes! we still don't have a will!),
call the bank and see where things stand with the sale,
write thank you cards,
buy more stamps,
print more fund raising stuff,
respond to emails from yesterday,
end of the year teachers gifts,
judes star of the week project,
their forms for the ugandan school,
oh! and my work and all the things i needed to do related to my patients and the medical student course.
and so you can see- sleep was far from me.
when i did finally fall back asleep at 4, i was awoken at 5 by bryn who was upset that i didn't tuck him in when we got back from dinner last night, which i did. then at 6 jude woke us up to start the day.
today my dad forwarded me an email about rest. it was a brief commentary about the importance of rest for the body, and the mind; the spirit, the soul. in the old testament God sets aside one whole day for rest. it's one of the 10 commandments. but culturally, i think we're really bad at this- i know i am. my definition of rest is: not doing work. period. that is it. i'm incapable of napping because it feels like "i'm wasting time". it feels like there is so much fun stuff i'd rather be doing that i wouldn't want to waste it with sleep. but when i'm 'not working' and therefore 'resting' i'm still checking email, answering the phone, and probably making some mental todo list. i'm not good at slowing down.
rest- repose, relaxation, the termination of motion, mental or emotional peace or tranquility, to temporarily remain still or quiet, to be supported by.
ahh. it sounds so good! i need this. i need this not just at night- although that is important. i need to incorporate 'rest' into my days. i need to purposely set aside a time of stillness and quiet- no phones, no emails, no lists. let the mind wander and find things. let the space widen.
it reminds of me of a funny scene in 'wedding crashers' when vince vaughn is about to loose it:
"Here’s what’s gonna happen, Tonto. Kimosabe’s gonna have some flavor, I’m gonna choose not to eat with you. I'm gonna recharge my batteries, and shut down the engines, and get myself back to neutral"
i want to practice this- the recharging of the batteries, the getting into neutral, not just save it for vacation or the annual weekend retreat. i need to practice knowing when i'm getting weary, practice saying 'no', practice knowing when i need a nap- when i need to shut down the engines. and then perhaps the hardest part, allow myself to take "two long sleeps and food and a cool drink by a stream."
