life is beautiful

it's been a day of ups and downs and kids struggling to just 'be' in the midst of craziness.

yesterday clover went to her new home.  it was sad- really sad.  after she left- zoe bawled on the couch- bryn tried to cry but kind of couldn't and jude said he was crying in his heart.  i cried because i felt so badly for the kids losing their dog- especially zoe, as it was mostly her dog- and for this monumental step towards our move- our new lives- and because i'll miss clover too.

so i guess i expected that today would be out-of-sorts and it has been.  everyone is mildly giddy and picking at each other and whiny, all at once.  today the boys went to 'vbs' (vacation bible school) and zoe and i had 3 hours to ourselves- just us- like old times- it was nice.  recently i've started decreasing the doses of her medications.  i did this for two reasons- one was admittedly financial.  her medications are expensive and hard to get in uganda and so when i realized that we could leave here with a years supply if i cut her dose down- i thought it was worth a try.  also, i'm curious.  she's been on them for two years - there is not a lot of data on these medicines in children- maybe it's time to try lowering the dose.  the problem is- i feel like i'm looking at her through a microscope again- i'm in data collection mode- science experiment land- and that doesn't feel good when it's your kid you're examining. 

is she stickier than normal?  is she struggling to regulate?  it she better? 

and really who knows?  because life happens.  kids get older- they mature- they change- they have pre-teen hormone drama- and i've been lax about gluten- and dairy- and we are moving to africa and losing the dog and pretty much turning things upside down.  i guess it's not a great experiment after all- too many variables.

but i was impressed with her letting go of clover.  i was impressed with her ability to allow herself to feel it- to cry- to be sad- to not just turn it to anger. this was big- this is progress. 

and it's these times that i realize that it's all so subtle and variable, and out of my hands and we just do the best we can- but really, that is all. we just try.  we do our best.  and hopefully in all of it- we try to love each other- hold each other- protect each other and be gentle.  then we mess it up and start again. 

i think that is why i struggled with the movie 'the tree of life'.  i think i felt the danger and the subtlety of all relationships. i think i saw myself in both the character of the father and the mother.  i saw my potential for abuse and passivity.  my ability to be a victim of my nature and my attempt to embrace the grace.  life is big- i am small.

that is it.  but- life is beautiful.

clover

we got clover, for zoe.  it was that season, way back when, when life was pretty awful and hard and she was miserable and lonely.  she has always connected with animals- she feels she understands them and they understand her and she's probably right.  it was that time when she was in private school, a private school for kids with learning differences, and struggling- which is never a good feeling for a parent- because you are already at your "last resort".  we were grappling for what to do, what could help her manage her anxiety- about life- about her life.  after many conversations we decided we'd get a dog- in the spring- so mike could build a fence in our yard for the dog.

when we went to the humane society we looked at many dogs and puppies.  dogs who i thought were cuter than clover, but they were more frisky or nippy.  zoe got a bad headache while we were there and sat down on the ground with her head in her hands.  that is when it happened.  clover picked zoe.  she calmly went over to her- began to lick her and climbed into zoe's lap- even though she was a puppy.  zoe said, "this is the dog".  and she was so right.

there was no 'after-school special' experience where the special needs kid is 'cured' or totally transformed by the dog.  in fact there was a lot of cursing as i had to feed her, walk her (because it took a month for the fence to go up- a month of daily rain!).  but, as the year went on- clover really became part of the family.

 'clover' was the name she came with and when we got her we assumed we'd change it.  so we all thought about what that name should be.  there were lists- but none were as fitting as clover. 
it's gentle, it's mild mannered, it's subdued, and it can be lucky.
it really fit her- so we kept it. 

that was 2 years ago. 

now we're packing up our lives and it's going to be too hard to bring clover.  too hard, and not very good for her.  she'd hate the flight- the water is different, and most foreign dogs get sick (really sick), and she could never run free where we'll be living.  so we need to find her a new home.

i didn't think i'd find this hard.  i'm not much of an animal person.  i was as a kid- but not anymore.  but i do love clover.  and i love clover twice- once for me, and once over for my kids.  i remember how hard it was- giving up a pet - and i hate it for them.  i get teary when i think about it.

i'm also scared to let her go.  scared for zoe- losing her alive security blanket.  what will she do- in a whole new place with out her clover? and what will i do with out giving her 'clover time' as a reward for school work completion or as an 'engine helper' when she's a little out of whack.

it makes me realize how attached we can get to these things- these insertions into our lives. 
there will be zoe- in africa- away from her grandparents- away from the friends she does have- away from her therapists- probably having to let go of her gluten free- dairy free diet- and now with out her dog. 

insert mantra.

it points to my grappling.  my attempts to help control her life- to cushion it- protect her.

be still and know that i am God.
because of the Lords unfailing love, we are not consumed.

that includes zoe.  she will not be devoured- lost- emptied.

so clover.  dear clover- we thank you for the many tears you've licked dry- the tolerance you've had for being whacked by a 2 year old- or wrestled by a four year old- for the hugs and smothering you've allowed.  for adding love in some very hard times. we will miss you- all of us- even me.