the giving circle

i'm sitting her on the porch feeling again - so blessed.

last night- we had our 'giving circle' meeting.  this is a near monthly event- a gathering of interesting, intelligent women who care about the world and making a difference, who've decided to get together at someones home- to eat and drink and talk and share and hear about a cause, about a group, an organization or a person, making a difference.  and then we all give to that cause- so that we can make a difference too.  last night we ate home-made pate, and bread with goat cheese and onion jam and bacon and arugala, and tea cakes with elderberry and lime.  last night felt fancy and homey and funky and full of love, and i was 'the cause'.  i got to tell all about uganda- about what we're hoping to do- about what we want to do there- and people got excited and i did too.

it was so good to be reminded of my larger community- of the passion that so many people have for helping- of how people want to connect - of how much love and care there is- how it can be harnessed and utilized and powerful.  i left feeling full.  of good food and wine and conversation and encouragement and support and, hope.  because if in every neighborhood there was a 'giving circle' the world would change.  i know this.

today i had the added blessing of having 7 kids with me for the afternoon.  this was fantastic.  i had my godson luke and three of my friends kids and my three.  and it was great- partially because they are all great kids- but also because there is strength in numbers and i switch gears.  this is why i think i'm actually meant to have more than three kids.  i do better with more- i handle things better with a little more chaos.  it breaks me- and then i give it up.  i become more patient- i become, even, kinder.

i also realized that i must be out of my flippin' mind to try decreasing zoe's medications in the midst of the greatest change in our lives.  take her dog away and move her around all summer- landing in africa- and choose now to go down on her meds?  crazy!!  so i've resumed the normal doses, and i've reminded myself that too much change at once- is not a good experiment. 

tonight i have book club at my house.  i haven't even bought the book, but i can't wait to see these women- to sit on the screened porch and be inspired and again, thankful.

it will be hard to leave these people.  all of them.  their goodness, their laughter, their beauty.  but, the world is much smaller these days- and i will know they are here and with me- watching and following along- supporting.  and we all look up at that same moon.

one year

it's the blogs first birthday today- i still hate the word blog.  there are so many other better sounding words- bliss, blue, splendid, sky- actually most words.  but that's ok.

last year i started to write because i needed to.  it started on a day when i felt pushed over the edge.  the day that zoe ate those 3 earthworms that she'd dug out of our backyard. and i finally felt the drama and the humor of our lives in such a way that i couldn't not say something, to someone.  so i jumped in.  and it has been birth-like. because giving birth is a creative experience- perhaps the ultimate creative experience.  out of your body comes another life.  there is mystery and unknown and getting to know and it's the beginning.

last night i was at my book club.  i really shouldn't call it my book club- because it was the first one i'd made it to all year and i only made it 1/3 of the way through the book we were reading- which was olive kitterege.  we talked about how all the characters you meet in the book exist in attempt to define olive- and then you never see them again- there is no wrap up. most of the characters live sad lives- they've had trauma- they are damaged- most of the marriages break up or are marked by infidelity- there is little redemption.  olive remains a hard, heavy woman- married to a man she's not really that in love with- who seems to fear her and love her but perhaps out of a sense of 'ought' or nostalgia.  olives process seems to be that she gains insight into herself- see's what others really thought of her.   most people in the group (who actually read it) didn't love it- didn't feel connected to the characters- and were troubled by all the sorrow. 

i like books and films where there is redemption- or growth, progress, or transformation. i also like when the characters are woven together and you see how they've affected each other- when you see their relationships influence their development.

driving to work today i was thinking that we never really know or stop to appreciate the impact we can have on one another.  those little things like holding the door for someone - or paying the toll for the person behind you on the highway- random acts of kindness.  we never know where people are at a given moment- and how one look, one smile, one extra word of thanks- can be a defining moment for someone else.  the guy on the over-crowded bus in costa rica whose arm rested on mine for a few stops-that 'accidental', nothing, event at a time when i was alone in another country, longing for the presence of another, made me feel hopeful- less alone.

and i wonder if the answers to our prayers aren't even for us- maybe they're for someone 4 steps removed - who needed to see a miracle or not even, who just needed the outcome of what ever resulted from our answer.  there is a magical interconnectedness to our lives.  there are no accidents. maybe the people we sit next to on the plane or meet for a few days or randomly bump into- are little opportunities- to influence each others lives.  and i wonder how many of them are missed opportunities. 

 zoe doesn't miss them- she's like a magnet for them.  she lives in the moment.  she pays attention to people at the cost of almost all else. she's never in a hurry.  and in this, she gives and gives and gives again.

a year ago i started writing to get some of the mess out of my head- to share some stories that isolated me, with the hope that others would feel less alone with their messes.  and in this birthing of something new i have come to see my life, all of it, in a different light- a brighter, more hopeful light.  and i have come to see zoe differently, as one who can teach me as i teach her.  i'm beginning. i'm moving into acceptance of certain things- and i'm accepting continued dependence-
to be still and know.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

lessons from the high

today we went to the high museum of art.  as hard as it's been for me to let go of copywork and math sheets and reading summaries and our history text- i've decided that we need to embrace the freedom we have in homeschooling- and explore and embrace atlanta before we leave it.  this was met by resistance from zoe- before she knew what the change was going to be- because she announced, that she just hates change- no matter what it is. but i actually think she liked today- except for the fact that i was too cheap to pay for parking and we had to walk in the 'cold' for a while.

when we got there- she was being a brat.  everything was a problem- the path we'd walked was different- it was too cold- she wanted to see mikes work (even though he's not there)- then she did the wiggly walk when we arrived at the museum.  i was super annoyed.  can't we just go to the museum and enjoy ourselves?  then she admitted that she was feeling kind of nervous, as she clutched her 'powerpuff girl plush toy' (as she calls it).  she felt like there were a lot of people around- which was weird because there really weren't.  and i had that tremendously conflicted feeling.  the feeling of completely not getting it, not understanding how someone could feel anxiety or anticipatory anxiety, in a nearly empty art museum- but also of knowing how bad anxiety feels and hating it for her. but the larger feeling was truly, annoyance.  

we were going to see the toulouse-lautrec exhibit.  to get there we walked through the modern art collection.  this was nice space- big, bright, and empty except for the  gallery guards.  the paintings are also large and it's quiet and zoe began to calm down.  in the toulouse exhibit, there was a tour group - a bunch of high school kids and people talking loudly about the paintings and zoe didn't like it- she wanted to go back to the enormous white walls, and scalloped renzo piano ceiling of the modern art section- and so we did.  but zoe wouldn't be zoe with engagement.  so she be-friended the haitian guard and the two of them discussed each piece on the floor. 

which was his favorite and why?

what about the next piece? who had painted it? where were they from?

how did the get the canvas into the shape of lips?  

and on and on.

he loved it.  and as we got ready to move to the next floor she thanked him so much, asked him his name, and then thanked him again, by name.

"zoe" he said, " you've made my day!"

again.  my girl.  je ne sais quoi.
her greatness- in her servanthood- putting others first.  

she seems to know what she needs to do to calm down.  she also seems to know what other people need.  after her stroll through modern art- she was done with her anxiety- she had transitioned and we were off.  

as i watched her- i tried to step back and and see her through their eyes.  hundreds of kids come in each week and how many of them stop to speak with the guards?  how many stop to ask which paintings they love as they stand in that gallery all day?  i realized, knowing zoe, that her questions aren't generated out of a desire for  knowledge about the paintings themselves.  in fact if we were on a guided tour, she'd either tune out, or say it's boring.  what she loves is hearing about other peoples lives- she loves connecting with them.

my annoyance melted away and my pride in her grew.  we'll get there - i realized- 

with some grace and some love- we'll both get there.

zoe's shine

zoe has had a good week.  much better than mine. she's been more mature in many ways- and more insightful- than i have.  and i'm impressed.  she's managed to remind me, and mike, that we need to be more patient, to remember that some things are really hard for her.

last night mike was supervising her washing her hair.  he was understandably annoyed that she wasn't doing an affective job after so many years of teaching her.  she gently told him that its actually hard for her to remember the steps, the order of them, and then to get her body to do it.
we take so much for granted. we for whom this comes naturally.

today i had yet another star parenting moment.  i was getting irritated with her slow pace with eating breakfast, and getting ready.  so i said, "can't you try to act like an eleven year old? it's simple- get dressed, eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, get your shoes on, get your coat on! "  zoe's response, "mom- i'm sorry.  i'm trying.  it's harder for me to keep track of everything because of my nonverbal learning disability!" oh.  right. "i'm sorry zoe." i'm an idiot.

but the most impressive thing was how she read her brothers mood last night, and directly addressed it. in fact, she addressed the large stomping elephant in the room- that i couldn't name- the same elephant that has been bothering me all week.

her little brothers are almost 4 and almost 6 and they are wonderful- but they drive her crazy sometimes.  last night they were more hyper than usual, especially jude.  he was really acting out and bothering everyone.  i was not responding well.  i was just reacting to him.  getting mad.  giving time outs and taking away dessert.

then zoe stands between us and says, "mom- you know what's going on here? jude is really stressed about moving to uganda and having to make new friends- that's why he's acting like this- i can sense it. it's OK Jude- i feel that way too."  it was so perfect, so insightful, so mature and aware, and what made it even better, and definitely humbling, was that i had missed it.  i have been so caught up in getting mad at everyone's grumpiness, everyone's inability to meet my expectations- that i had forgotten to step back and think about what is really going on- for all of us.  and zoe- the one with challenges picking up on social cues, the one who has a hard time with understanding facial expression and tone of voice and subtlety, she senses it, she names it.

jude told her that he's not stressed about moving to uganda and that only yoda can sense things like that.  now that zoe had set me on the right track- i picked him up and suggested that maybe he was anxious about the fact that the house is going for sale this month and we're starting to pack up our things.   yes- he said- he loves our house- he doesn't want to move- and what were we going to do with all our stuff?  it opened the door for many question to come out and be answered, for people to not feel alone with the changes that are happening. and it clued me into the root of my own underlying irritation and anxiety.  we have a lot going on.  no wonder!

i love that it was zoe who sensed it.  zoe who called it.  zoe who interpreted the mood of the house correctly and zoe who spoke it.  it's her gift- the cool part is, her ability to articulate it now.

then the icing on the cake happened at the orthodontist today. zoe was a little anxious because she was getting her bottom braces on. this woman was checking out while we were checking in. then we sat down and she left.  a minute later, she comes back in and says, " are you zoe?", "yes", "you probably don't remember me, but a few months ago i was here about to get my braces and i was so nervous and you told me all about it, and reassured me that it wasn't that bad and told me how you handle feeling nervous about it all.  you gave me so much comfort and i wanted to come back and thank you."
again, zoe shines.