it all started because i cleaned out the closets. there i found years. years of memories- years of zoe and her work. and as i sorted through it- i could compare- i could measure progress- from pre-school until now- 5th grade.
i remember finding my own box of school work not long ago. it held the first things i'd done in kindergarden- a stapled book of dinosaur drawings - up to my fifth grade comparative book reports and poetry journals. i wasn't an A student growing up, but you could clearly see the progress, the maturity, the process was step wise- it was normal. each year i became better with handwriting, spelling and sentence structure. and with each year i became more invested in my school work.
when i went through zoe's work- i honestly became really discouraged. i realized that while there clearly was improvement, the slope was much flatter. she's gone from pre-school to more like 2nd grade in many things. she'd had some great examples in early years and some horrible examples last year, that didn't look that different from each other. that inconsistency stared me in the face.
and suddenly the lens shifted and it became about me, not her. what am i doing wrong? where on earth do i set the expectation level? what is she capable of if she could do the amount of writing we do now, 2 years ago? why doesn't she care?
and so i did totally the wrong thing.
i shifted into operating out of fear. that never works, and pretty much always ends badly.
i woke up today and i raised the bar. the copy work i gave her was twice as long and from a book, not a nice large fonted hand-out. the narration she gave about our reading about king henry the viii was disjointed and random and i tried to insist she try again or let me show her an example of "a good narration".
(great idea you over educated almost 40 year old with years of practice summarizing massive amounts of information into a few sentences very quickly. way to make your struggling 11 year old which a generalized information processing disorder- whose brain fights to order information correctly and then battles again with it's retrieval- understand. way to make her feel good about herself- compare her to you!)
it didn't help that today was one of those days when she woke up with her brain just not doing what she wanted it to. those days. those days when the distraction level is at "red"; the attention level is at "zero", and the sensory processing was off. you know when you sleep funny on your arm and you wake up and can't feel it at all, then slowly that painful -tingling sensation happens and then in a few minutes you can move the fingers a bit and eventually it resumes function? some days she must sleep funny on her brain.
between her off day and my upping the ante- it was the perfect storm.
half way through the day- when i began to consider poking my pencil through my eye with frustration -i stopped and listened to both of us and realized that i needed to get it together. i either needed to go smoke a pack of cigarettes, or go for a run. since i don't smoke, i went for the run.
i ran through our neighborhood on the first day that has felt like fall. it was so beautiful- but i felt sour. rigid. uptight and afraid. i couldn't figure out what i was so upset about. why i was so annoyed with her. i was angry at her lack of visually objective progress. angry at the inconsistency in her work. angry at her struggle. angry that her struggle is my struggle. but mostly so angry at me. because my anger fails her. it leaks out and spoils things. it takes what's good and makes it ugly. it is not love.
i spent the afternoon, while she was at Brain Balance, re-reading Kathryn Stewart's book "Helping a Child wtih Nonverbal Learning Disorder or Aspergers's Disorder". it's one of my go-to books when i am forgetting what life is like for zoe. when i loose site of the intensity of her challenges. when i need to be humbled. when i need to be blown away by her actual ability.
and there it was in black and white. my visually objective evidence. as i read, i began to remember where we've been. how differently the bar should be set- how the bar needs to be made of rubber or fabric, not metal or wood. it needs to be able to flex. that perhaps there shouldn't be a bar at all- in my silly little mind- perhaps it should be a beautiful mountain. one that we all climb at different speeds. one that we each take a different trail to get up. and maybe i need to remember that her pack is a lot heavier than mine. that anger weighs it down. that love lightens. and while i can't carry hers, i can walk at her pace. i can still hold her hand.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
thankful for 2 wheel drive
today zoe is 11. today i am so thankful.
i went for a run and thought about how blessed we are, and thanked God, and prayed for those who are not feeling so blessed- where ever they are. i thought about the last 11 years. all the joy and all the tears. the seasons when it couldn't get any better, and the seasons when it couldn't get any worse, but then it did. i thought about how through all of it i have been loved and supported by family and friends and a God who knows the big picture even when i don't.
when we were in Uganda last month we took a trip about 7 hours north of the city to go see Murchison Falls, the highest falls in Uganda. we didn't know it but half the drive was on a dirt road, and it was the beginning of the rainy season. we had hired a Ugandan driver who had been there before and he picked us up in a two wheel drive minivan. this seemed fine to us.
on the way there, we stopped in a little "town" for lunch and it poured rain. when we got back on the road, it was no longer paved and pretty soon, we were in a great big mess. the car was spinning on the road, sliding all over the place and no one was saying a word. all i could think about was being stuck in the mud, having to walk who knows how far back to the little town with zoe and having to stay there until another car could come for us.
we finally got out of the mud and made it up to the lodge and stayed for two nights. we saw giraffes, hippos, lions, crocodiles,warthogs, elephants, monkeys, baboons and many fancy deer-type animals- it was amazing. the night we were getting ready to go, it started to rain. it rained and then rained some more, and then poured southern-style, all night long. it rained so loud and so hard that we woke up and couldn't sleep . i worried and had visions/half awake dreams of being stuck in the mud out in the safari land and my child being eaten by a lion. so i did what i always do when i'm away at 2am, i prayed. and i was pretty proud of myself because i decided to have faith- full faith- that God would provide for us a 4-wheel drive vehicle- because that is what i decided we needed to get home safely. and with that- i fell asleep.
the next morning it was lightly raining and we had breakfast and mike announced that during the night he'd looked at a map and found an alternative route that gave us more paved road- although it was longer. he thought we'd have a better chance to make it using this route and convinced the driver and we were off. nine hours later we made it home safely.
when we got home, i remembered my fear and anxiety in that night of the rain storm. i remembered how i had thought and thought and left-brained my way to a perfect plan and once i had the solution- i gave it up in faith. my prayer had been, "i know you can provide the 4-wheel drive vehicle." not, "i trust you will get us back safely." subtle differences but kind of big differences.
when i look at my life- especially the last 11 years, there have been so many many seasons when the rain poured down and when i thought i had the perfect plan. and there have been so many times when i've been wrong. when my plan didn't work or my plan didn't happen. times when i thought, "why is it happening like this? this is so not what i planned for my life!"
yet how beautiful has it been! how God has orchestrated it - how much joy and goodness have come out of those seasons of challenge. and i look at my life with zoe and how it can seem like facing a muddy road with 2-wheel drive sometimes, God had continued to get us home safely- His way, His time.
i went for a run and thought about how blessed we are, and thanked God, and prayed for those who are not feeling so blessed- where ever they are. i thought about the last 11 years. all the joy and all the tears. the seasons when it couldn't get any better, and the seasons when it couldn't get any worse, but then it did. i thought about how through all of it i have been loved and supported by family and friends and a God who knows the big picture even when i don't.
when we were in Uganda last month we took a trip about 7 hours north of the city to go see Murchison Falls, the highest falls in Uganda. we didn't know it but half the drive was on a dirt road, and it was the beginning of the rainy season. we had hired a Ugandan driver who had been there before and he picked us up in a two wheel drive minivan. this seemed fine to us.
on the way there, we stopped in a little "town" for lunch and it poured rain. when we got back on the road, it was no longer paved and pretty soon, we were in a great big mess. the car was spinning on the road, sliding all over the place and no one was saying a word. all i could think about was being stuck in the mud, having to walk who knows how far back to the little town with zoe and having to stay there until another car could come for us.
we finally got out of the mud and made it up to the lodge and stayed for two nights. we saw giraffes, hippos, lions, crocodiles,warthogs, elephants, monkeys, baboons and many fancy deer-type animals- it was amazing. the night we were getting ready to go, it started to rain. it rained and then rained some more, and then poured southern-style, all night long. it rained so loud and so hard that we woke up and couldn't sleep . i worried and had visions/half awake dreams of being stuck in the mud out in the safari land and my child being eaten by a lion. so i did what i always do when i'm away at 2am, i prayed. and i was pretty proud of myself because i decided to have faith- full faith- that God would provide for us a 4-wheel drive vehicle- because that is what i decided we needed to get home safely. and with that- i fell asleep.
the next morning it was lightly raining and we had breakfast and mike announced that during the night he'd looked at a map and found an alternative route that gave us more paved road- although it was longer. he thought we'd have a better chance to make it using this route and convinced the driver and we were off. nine hours later we made it home safely.
when we got home, i remembered my fear and anxiety in that night of the rain storm. i remembered how i had thought and thought and left-brained my way to a perfect plan and once i had the solution- i gave it up in faith. my prayer had been, "i know you can provide the 4-wheel drive vehicle." not, "i trust you will get us back safely." subtle differences but kind of big differences.
when i look at my life- especially the last 11 years, there have been so many many seasons when the rain poured down and when i thought i had the perfect plan. and there have been so many times when i've been wrong. when my plan didn't work or my plan didn't happen. times when i thought, "why is it happening like this? this is so not what i planned for my life!"
yet how beautiful has it been! how God has orchestrated it - how much joy and goodness have come out of those seasons of challenge. and i look at my life with zoe and how it can seem like facing a muddy road with 2-wheel drive sometimes, God had continued to get us home safely- His way, His time.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
the little things
it's still 90+ degrees outside. i know i shouldn't be surprised, but i am. i am so ready for fall, or even just a cool breeze, but one that lasts would be even better.
i grew up in new england. the home of fall. the motherland of the 'back to school' feeling. where the weather helped move you along out of the pool and into the classroom. i miss that. i miss it for my kids. and while time seems to go so quickly now, summer just won't budge.
maybe i'm just looking for something to blame my bad mood on. it's hot and i'm crabby. and mike's been away and the kids are making me crazy and i'm crabby. but really it's about me not them, not the weather. it's my restless heart- that thing i'm trying to get to be still.
i think zoe is learning this faster than i am. she's doing great. really. shhhhh. our first week of homeschooling has been as smooth as it gets for us- and i'm so thankful, so deeply thankful for that.
yesterday we went to the market- the same one as the 'little begonias' entry- and she wanted to by flowers and i had a flashback - to last summer- to her ongoing obsessiveness, to her inability to get out of her own head, and i felt my own rigidity, my spine tighten. then i remembered we're not in last summer, and i took a breath and she followed directions and picked a planted sunflower for under three dollars (which was the direction)- and we moved on.
it's so easy to take it for granted when things are going well. to up the bar even. i sometimes find myself getting more upset with her over less significant things. like, "oh if you can handle that, why can't you function 100% of the time at this level". sometimes in her good spots, my bad spots come out. like i have a harder time functioning without her glaring disability (ironic since i like to blame my poor parenting moments on how tough life is with a child like her). no, once again, it's me. my problem, my need to be independently OK and to teach that- to model that.
there is a good and terrifying quote:
"Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."
except that they're listening as well - to our words, our voice, our choices. it's so much harder than it looks, for me anyway.
so i'm amazed that after 11 years in this business of parenting, i'm still struggling with the same things- the same annoyances-
can you just pick up the legos before you go outside, so i don't step on them
can you just shut the door, so we don't air-condition the neighborhood
can you stop hitting the dog
can you share
can you not squeeze your brothers head
can you just stop whining!!!
what about me?
can i just stop yelling
can i just stop caring so much about that stuff?
would it kill me to close the door sometimes, or put down the toilet seat for them?
maybe someday i'll get it right- probably not.
and while i was in my mode of uber frustration at the messes and the whining and the fighting, in walks zoe and asks, "where's lily?"
now lily and zoe had walked up to CVS together to get somethings and here is zoe, alone, asking for lily.
"WHAT!! she is supposed to be with you!"
"but i got lost from her at CVS while i was looking at the videos and i couldn't find her so i left and came home. and on the way home a man said, what's your name little girl?"
all i could think about was poor lily in CVS worrying like crazy that zoe was lost or stolen or strayed. all i could think about was that zoe could have been lost or stolen or strayed, and what kind of a man asks a small girl what there name is? a creepy one, that's who!
so i threw the kids in the car and drove up to find lily. and she was fine- a little shaken up but very relieved. and it was a teachable moment. and luckily, after years of practicing scenarios with her, zoe had said nothing to the creepy man, and ran the rest of the way home. luckily she knew the way home, and made the choice to come home and not wandered off to "find" her friend. phewww!!
the grace came in seeing that all those little things that get at me, are really just little things. i need to stop letting them disturb the peace. i need to be still and embrace the chaos. because how awful would life be if one of those little pieces were gone, if there were no yelling, or head squeezing or whining. i need to grow a peaceful soul to nurture their little souls. let love and sweetness pour out, because that is so much more important than stepped on legos, open doors and toilet seats.
God give me the grace to remember this- to live it- and then in the stillness will be the dancing.
i grew up in new england. the home of fall. the motherland of the 'back to school' feeling. where the weather helped move you along out of the pool and into the classroom. i miss that. i miss it for my kids. and while time seems to go so quickly now, summer just won't budge.
maybe i'm just looking for something to blame my bad mood on. it's hot and i'm crabby. and mike's been away and the kids are making me crazy and i'm crabby. but really it's about me not them, not the weather. it's my restless heart- that thing i'm trying to get to be still.
i think zoe is learning this faster than i am. she's doing great. really. shhhhh. our first week of homeschooling has been as smooth as it gets for us- and i'm so thankful, so deeply thankful for that.
yesterday we went to the market- the same one as the 'little begonias' entry- and she wanted to by flowers and i had a flashback - to last summer- to her ongoing obsessiveness, to her inability to get out of her own head, and i felt my own rigidity, my spine tighten. then i remembered we're not in last summer, and i took a breath and she followed directions and picked a planted sunflower for under three dollars (which was the direction)- and we moved on.
it's so easy to take it for granted when things are going well. to up the bar even. i sometimes find myself getting more upset with her over less significant things. like, "oh if you can handle that, why can't you function 100% of the time at this level". sometimes in her good spots, my bad spots come out. like i have a harder time functioning without her glaring disability (ironic since i like to blame my poor parenting moments on how tough life is with a child like her). no, once again, it's me. my problem, my need to be independently OK and to teach that- to model that.
there is a good and terrifying quote:
"Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."
except that they're listening as well - to our words, our voice, our choices. it's so much harder than it looks, for me anyway.
so i'm amazed that after 11 years in this business of parenting, i'm still struggling with the same things- the same annoyances-
can you just pick up the legos before you go outside, so i don't step on them
can you just shut the door, so we don't air-condition the neighborhood
can you stop hitting the dog
can you share
can you not squeeze your brothers head
can you just stop whining!!!
what about me?
can i just stop yelling
can i just stop caring so much about that stuff?
would it kill me to close the door sometimes, or put down the toilet seat for them?
maybe someday i'll get it right- probably not.
and while i was in my mode of uber frustration at the messes and the whining and the fighting, in walks zoe and asks, "where's lily?"
now lily and zoe had walked up to CVS together to get somethings and here is zoe, alone, asking for lily.
"WHAT!! she is supposed to be with you!"
"but i got lost from her at CVS while i was looking at the videos and i couldn't find her so i left and came home. and on the way home a man said, what's your name little girl?"
all i could think about was poor lily in CVS worrying like crazy that zoe was lost or stolen or strayed. all i could think about was that zoe could have been lost or stolen or strayed, and what kind of a man asks a small girl what there name is? a creepy one, that's who!
so i threw the kids in the car and drove up to find lily. and she was fine- a little shaken up but very relieved. and it was a teachable moment. and luckily, after years of practicing scenarios with her, zoe had said nothing to the creepy man, and ran the rest of the way home. luckily she knew the way home, and made the choice to come home and not wandered off to "find" her friend. phewww!!
the grace came in seeing that all those little things that get at me, are really just little things. i need to stop letting them disturb the peace. i need to be still and embrace the chaos. because how awful would life be if one of those little pieces were gone, if there were no yelling, or head squeezing or whining. i need to grow a peaceful soul to nurture their little souls. let love and sweetness pour out, because that is so much more important than stepped on legos, open doors and toilet seats.
God give me the grace to remember this- to live it- and then in the stillness will be the dancing.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
one step forward
getting ready for homeschooling. ok, i've been ready but little bryn hasn't started preschool and really, it won't work until he starts. i'm getting excited- but getting nervous. hopeful, but prepared. we're trying a new method this year- the charlotte mason method.
last year we didn't have a method- we winged it. we used the american girl books as a backbone for reading/ phonics and history. she did copy work. i tried worksheets for spelling and grammar from different books at different grade levels. i did another history book for the ancient times. we did bible and art. we did math- many ways. we did geography related to what we read and also worked our way through part of the united states and their capitals. it worked i guess. it was very us. very fly-by-the-seat. flexible- perhaps too flexible. i didn't feel i had a system which kind of bothered me. but what is worse- is i constantly felt like she was behind- that i was behind- that i was straddling two grades and not trusting anything. that i wasn't sure if i should test her and make sure she knew it all well before moving on. i would have days when i felt like she needed to sit there until it was done and days when i would let her call the shots more. but, overall, i think she learned and we didn't kill each other- almost- a few times, but not quite.
the charlotte mason method allows children to move at their own pace. it doesn't compare them with a standard. it trusts that the child will learn- that we are all learning - that we are to guide and direct. it uses literature, it uses "real books" not text books, to learn. it values time outdoors, play, real life. i'm really still learning the method and i have no idea how it will go over. but i'm excited.
i've been far from this writing because zoe is doing well. she's been doing really well. and you know when i write it- things change. :) maybe her brain is balancing. maybe because she turns 11 next week. who knows.
what do i mean by "better" anyway? i mean she's both more engaged and less sticky. and when she gets sticky- she gets over it faster and with less drama. there is more flexibility. there is more self awareness- "oh i guess i don't need to apologize". (instead of just saying "I'M SORRY!"- in response to anything we remind her about- "zoe can you get your shoes on?" "I'm SORRY mom!!")
what do i mean by more engaged? she asks questions like, "mom what kinds of games did you used to play when you were little?" and then listens and responds to the answers. or "dad, how was your day today? how did things go at work?" or "aunt linds, what interesting things have happened in your lifetime?"
for those of you with typical kids- this might seem silly. but you have no idea how happy it makes us! to see her be able to climb outside her own head- her own world- her own sensory system and enter into someone else's experience and then to draw parallels with other things in her life or history- is so exciting! the dots are starting to connect- her world is starting to make more sense and she's finding her place in it- and she is more calm, less stressed, happy.
and that is what we want for her. happiness. peace.
we will officially start homeschooling this week. and perhaps all this zen will go out the window. one of the hardest things about kids with learning differences is their inconsistency. you can reach a new place and then loose it. one step up, two steps back. but we'll keep walking- moving forward- in stillness of spirit- and with faith. so thankful for the weeks like these!
last year we didn't have a method- we winged it. we used the american girl books as a backbone for reading/ phonics and history. she did copy work. i tried worksheets for spelling and grammar from different books at different grade levels. i did another history book for the ancient times. we did bible and art. we did math- many ways. we did geography related to what we read and also worked our way through part of the united states and their capitals. it worked i guess. it was very us. very fly-by-the-seat. flexible- perhaps too flexible. i didn't feel i had a system which kind of bothered me. but what is worse- is i constantly felt like she was behind- that i was behind- that i was straddling two grades and not trusting anything. that i wasn't sure if i should test her and make sure she knew it all well before moving on. i would have days when i felt like she needed to sit there until it was done and days when i would let her call the shots more. but, overall, i think she learned and we didn't kill each other- almost- a few times, but not quite.
the charlotte mason method allows children to move at their own pace. it doesn't compare them with a standard. it trusts that the child will learn- that we are all learning - that we are to guide and direct. it uses literature, it uses "real books" not text books, to learn. it values time outdoors, play, real life. i'm really still learning the method and i have no idea how it will go over. but i'm excited.
i've been far from this writing because zoe is doing well. she's been doing really well. and you know when i write it- things change. :) maybe her brain is balancing. maybe because she turns 11 next week. who knows.
what do i mean by "better" anyway? i mean she's both more engaged and less sticky. and when she gets sticky- she gets over it faster and with less drama. there is more flexibility. there is more self awareness- "oh i guess i don't need to apologize". (instead of just saying "I'M SORRY!"- in response to anything we remind her about- "zoe can you get your shoes on?" "I'm SORRY mom!!")
what do i mean by more engaged? she asks questions like, "mom what kinds of games did you used to play when you were little?" and then listens and responds to the answers. or "dad, how was your day today? how did things go at work?" or "aunt linds, what interesting things have happened in your lifetime?"
for those of you with typical kids- this might seem silly. but you have no idea how happy it makes us! to see her be able to climb outside her own head- her own world- her own sensory system and enter into someone else's experience and then to draw parallels with other things in her life or history- is so exciting! the dots are starting to connect- her world is starting to make more sense and she's finding her place in it- and she is more calm, less stressed, happy.
and that is what we want for her. happiness. peace.
we will officially start homeschooling this week. and perhaps all this zen will go out the window. one of the hardest things about kids with learning differences is their inconsistency. you can reach a new place and then loose it. one step up, two steps back. but we'll keep walking- moving forward- in stillness of spirit- and with faith. so thankful for the weeks like these!
