your destiny

 "the degree to which we will fulfill our purpose on the planet, is largely determined by the decisions we make today about our yesterday." chris caine  (from gabi )

what is life? it's nothing more than a compilation of our bits. our moments. our nows and our yesterdays and our tomorrows, if we have one.  all of life is like this. everything is make up of other things- smaller things- pieces and parts. a beach is made up of it's sands. a field is each peace of grass. everything can be broken down and broken down again until we are left with carbon molecules. that's all.  and our life can be broken down into it's pieces too.  we like to think big- what we will do and who we will be or become- and where we will live and where we should live- and when we should do and be these things. but all those questions are answered in how we live our minutes- right now.  this second- this sliver of a day- is my life. i am made of my decisions - not just the big ones- all of them- even the small ones.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

sometimes when things feel hard and overwhelming, when life itself seems like there are too many overlapping ven diagrams to possibly know what to do, sometimes when the kite strings of life are all blowing around in the air knotting themselves up, i stop paying attention to my moments.  i just do my moments. i just go through the motions of my days.  i am not present, not thoughtful, not even sometimes aware of what i'm doing- i'm just doing what i can in that minute- un-reflectively.  i'm not watching my thoughts, or my words or even my actions.  sometimes i'm not even noticing my habits- until suddenly- something i'm doing regularly is not inline with what i think my character is or should be. 

then i take pause. then i stop and remember that i should have been watching.  that not paying attention to my feeling and my thoughts- leads me to say things i don't really mean- or shouldn't say.  and then i do things i shouldn't do, i yell my words and make an angry face at my kids- or i don't do something for mike that i should do. and then because i'm not watching - i keep doing these things until they become a bit of a habit. and then every day i'm shouting and scrunching up my face and not hearing and responding to the needs of the ones i love the most. oops.

but it's important.  it's real.  because i don't want to wake up one day on the other side of who i want to be. i don't want to make the people i live with and love, miserable or even just not as joyful, because i wasn't watching- because i wasn't listening to my life- because i wasn't active- i wasn't choosing- because i was sleep walking through my moments.

i read an article the other day from the UK huffington post written by a woman who had just died 3 days earlier.  yes, she wrote it as she was dying. as she was writing her funeral and her goodbye letters to her kids.  it was a plea of sorts. it spoke to me.  it said, basically, "wake up! this is it- this is the time you get in this skin- so BE in your life. live it how you really mean to live it.  pay attention.  tell people you love them. show them. hug them. don't waste it.  don't become knotted in your own kite strings. "  she said basically what beuchner said, " listen to your life. see it for the fathomless mystery it is. in the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the hold and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments and life itself is grace."

that is it. life itself is grace. our nows matter.  and they matter more than those big possible decisions in the future that we can obsess about- get lost in- forgetting our now over.

so today, i'm slowing it down. today i got up and said, "help". today i sat with myself in the kitchen at 5:30 and i stayed in the kitchen- meaning i mentally stayed with the task at hand- i was present in the toast making.  and because of that, i asked nicely what kids wanted on their toast, i told rose of course she could change her shirt if she wanted, i help bryn with his shoes, and zoe with her tooth brushing.  i lived the breakfast-brush teeth-shoes on-bags packed-get in the car time, instead of just checking it off my list.  because it matters. because those things become my destiny. how i walk, where my feet take me, that decides who i am- whether i'm fulfilling or not fulfilling my purpose in life.

we find ourselves in unexpected ways and places. we find God this way too- in light and sound and in a word and a view.  i don't want to miss out on God or on me.  i don't want my husband and my kids to miss these things either.  may i make wise small choices.  may i lead by example.  may i be present here, now, only. may i teach this and see the fruit of it. may i, through my moments, fulfill my purpose on this planet.

how does erin brewster do it?

how does my dear friend erin brewster do it? that girl has 7 kids. seven. 7 kids under the age of zoe, and 5 of them are in school- i think from grades 1-8.

i'm talking about homework.  i'm taking about that questionably necessary evil that exists and is supposed to be completed between after school and the insane dinner/ bath/ bed time hour.  i'm talking about what i hated as a kid and what i possibly hate more as a parent. i mean come on. 

i have only 4 kids- and right now only 2 of them have homework, the 2nd and 4th grader.  thank God kindergarten is still sacred.  thank God that zoe has a full-time teacher/assistant who knows that homework with zoe would be a big mistake.  so how can i complain?

but i will.

my kids get up at 5:45 and leave for school before 6:30.  they spend an hour in the car- then they are at school for 8 hours, then they drive home at least an hour, then between 4:30 and 6:30 they are expected to have a snack- do homework- play- relax- do a few, actually only one chore and then wash up for dinner. then after dinner, they have to do their reading log- which apparently is somehow separate from homework, but requires about as much time.  they need to read and then record what they read, for how long and what they thought about it.  i mean come on!

this week, now that they have thankfully settled into some sort of routine, mike is away.  away deeper in the heart of africa- he's in congo- leaving me to manage the above scenario ....alone.

he left on friday morning early, as in before the kids were up.  let the games begin and they did.  it was raining torrentially.  our giant beast of a dog,  out of fear of the thundering rain storm and shear hunger, had wound himself around the front porch pole so tightly that he couldn't move, but he could bark and whine - so that is what he did.  there i was in the rain, trying to unwind this soaking wet, muddy animal who weighs more than i do, while he is trying desperately to climb on me, get away from the storm and get to his food.  the kids found this way more interesting than eating breakfast. the cat found this the perfect time to make a run for it and come inside herself.  thankfully i wasn't driving that morning.  thankfully no one had peed her bed.  but still.

i had promised the kids that because they had been working so hard all week with above said schedule, and daddy was away, i would take them to KFC after school.  yes. kentucky fried chicken.  let me pause to say that KFC in uganda is a BIG DEAL.  it's "american"- only better.  it looks like america,  smells like america, and tastes like america- only better. it has kiddy meals and prizes and soft serve ice cream and the 'original recipe'- only it's somehow all better.  and unlike america- it's expensive.  so it's a BIG DEAL.  they had been looking forward to it ALL WEEK. 

because it was still raining and traffic can be disastrous, i got in the car a bit early for pick up.  and it was dead. the car was completely- not turning over- dead.  oh dear.  i considered my options.  i could call a driver to get the kids- but that is expensive- and worst of all....the KFC plan would be out the window.... and i'd promised.... and truth be told... i REALLY wanted KFC too.  so i called some friends for a jump- no one had cables.  eventually i got my friend who is a mechanic to come and jump it and refill various empty car fluids and i was off.  late, but quickly forgiven because of KFC.

on saturday morning, the cat, in thanks for her safe refuge from the storm the day before, delivered a huge disemboweled rat on the front porch.  good times. it rained again most of the day and when the afternoon sun came and we ventured outside, the car was once again, completely dead, so we battened down the hatches, made cookies and watched some movies.

sunday passed relatively uneventfully- except for a birthday lunch at a neighbors house which we attended empty handed and with zoe in her full sticky glory, announcing that she knew she couldn't handle it and why had a made her come.  there were looks of sympathy and forgiveness saying wordlessly, 'wow i'm glad that's not my life...and it must be so hard to single parent that."

now it's monday.  our mechanic thankfully jumped the car at 5:45 and we headed into the city.  the kids got to school, the car is in the shop- and it's going to cost waaaayyy more than KFC. the clinic has called 4 times about my patients who didn't know i had car trouble, oops. the marketing will have to wait because i don't have the car, so it's looking like breakfast for dinner....again.  i called mike and he told me with words, 'wow, i'm sorry about the car, and i know how hard it is to single parent all that!' 

now i'm gearing up for the impending drive home, in the rain with six kids, and the delightful few hours of homework, which will be crammed into one hour because i need to give a lecture at 5:30- which will perhaps be the calmest hour of my day.

back to homework....really? isn't 8 hours enough? what about the "home-learning" that isn't prescribed? what about dirty feet and tree houses and slingshots and bike riding?  what about family time and chores and untangling dogs and cleaning up rat guts? i think those things have value too.

so hats off to erin brewster! i just have two questions.....what's your secret and what's for dinner?  (and ohhhh i miss you so!)