today i just want to cry. it might be because i had to say good bye to another friend, or because i have my 10th migraine of the month, but probably it's because of timothy.
last week the boy i'd been treating for lymphoma called and said he felt a lump. not good. it's back. his remission is over. we will start radiation and we will go everyday and pray all day for a miracle that will give him a long life. since last week, i've kept it all at arms length emotionally. i can not get upset, i can't go down the 'what if' path, i just can't. i can't imagine being in a place of having to tell them that radiation didn't work, that we'll do our best to fight it back, and keep him comfortable, knowing that it will eventually win. i can't go there.
is it because i know him? and his mom is my friend?
is it because in the US he would be having a bone marrow transplant before we say 'nothing more'?
is it the disparity? the injustice in the world? or is it just because he's a kid with cancer and there is something just so very wrong about that.
is it because i've sat in that place of waiting and praying for my own son, imagining what it would be like to lose my child, knowing that the pain i was feeling while holding him, would be what i would envy and crave when he was actually gone? once you've been in that place- you never forget.
being a doctor here is hard, harder than i thought. it feels like being a doctor in the 1800's, only completely unfair- because i actually know what i could do to make a diagnosis or treat something....if. if the test or medicines were available....if the person had money....if so many things.
his mother told me yesterday that God had sent me here to help them- that they were so thankful. it was hard to not say, 'for what?'
i came from one of the top hospitals in the world- where i could do almost anything to help save someone- where we often fought too hard when someone was done and needed to be let go- but we were not limited by an individuals lack. we had homeless IV drug users with infected flailing heart valves flicking bacteria through out their bodies in the intensive care unit for months, being transferred to a private hospital for a valve replacement. we had immigrants with heart failure from rheumatic heart disease, with hearts so big they filled their chests and pushed on their lungs - requiring mechanical ventilation for months, and dialysis as their kidneys failed from the heart failure. and i struggle to find a strong enough oral diabetes regimen, because insulin requires refrigeration and people don't have electricity. i struggle to find a way to make that affordable. the barriers are so high- even for basic things.
it's not about me doing something or not doing something. it's about the people who aren't getting. it's about watching the not enough of. it's about the exhaustion of seeing a constant lack- and knowing another version of life. it's harder once you know other options exist across an ocean or even just a border- plane ride away.
i know we've done our best for him. i know we've worked hard to get the chemo and the surgery and the tests and now radiation. i know a lot of people have helped and given money and prayer and time. i know that from the beginning we knew this was a high grade lymphoma and there was no guarantee of cure.
but i also know that our God is big. bigger than anything. bigger than cancer. and i've seen Him bring healing- full healing- to my son, and many other people i've loved who've been ill. but i've also seen that sometimes the answer to my begging- has been 'no'. and i don't know why. i just know that He can and i pray that he will- again- as i beg and try and beg some more and cry.
prayer is real. it's real and it's way better in numbers. i believe that one of the reasons that jude is alive and well today is because people all over the wide world were praying faithfully for him.
so please. i'm begging. pray for timothy. pray for him by name. pray for him by specific request- to be cured of his cancer. pray for him often. commit to it. he's a boy in africa. one guy in a place far away from most of you. but you can be part of something big- even if you only have a smidgin of faith- small as a mustard seed- ask for healing for him. can it hurt? only by being disappointed if the answer is no. but what if the answer is yes? how amazing!! what if the answer is maybe- what if the answer is- longer than we thought- longer than we'd expect- that is something. no matter what, i know that God will show up- whether timothy has months or decades- with arms of grace for him and his family and all of us who do our part.
please.
last week the boy i'd been treating for lymphoma called and said he felt a lump. not good. it's back. his remission is over. we will start radiation and we will go everyday and pray all day for a miracle that will give him a long life. since last week, i've kept it all at arms length emotionally. i can not get upset, i can't go down the 'what if' path, i just can't. i can't imagine being in a place of having to tell them that radiation didn't work, that we'll do our best to fight it back, and keep him comfortable, knowing that it will eventually win. i can't go there.
is it because i know him? and his mom is my friend?
is it because in the US he would be having a bone marrow transplant before we say 'nothing more'?
is it the disparity? the injustice in the world? or is it just because he's a kid with cancer and there is something just so very wrong about that.
is it because i've sat in that place of waiting and praying for my own son, imagining what it would be like to lose my child, knowing that the pain i was feeling while holding him, would be what i would envy and crave when he was actually gone? once you've been in that place- you never forget.
being a doctor here is hard, harder than i thought. it feels like being a doctor in the 1800's, only completely unfair- because i actually know what i could do to make a diagnosis or treat something....if. if the test or medicines were available....if the person had money....if so many things.
his mother told me yesterday that God had sent me here to help them- that they were so thankful. it was hard to not say, 'for what?'
i came from one of the top hospitals in the world- where i could do almost anything to help save someone- where we often fought too hard when someone was done and needed to be let go- but we were not limited by an individuals lack. we had homeless IV drug users with infected flailing heart valves flicking bacteria through out their bodies in the intensive care unit for months, being transferred to a private hospital for a valve replacement. we had immigrants with heart failure from rheumatic heart disease, with hearts so big they filled their chests and pushed on their lungs - requiring mechanical ventilation for months, and dialysis as their kidneys failed from the heart failure. and i struggle to find a strong enough oral diabetes regimen, because insulin requires refrigeration and people don't have electricity. i struggle to find a way to make that affordable. the barriers are so high- even for basic things.
it's not about me doing something or not doing something. it's about the people who aren't getting. it's about watching the not enough of. it's about the exhaustion of seeing a constant lack- and knowing another version of life. it's harder once you know other options exist across an ocean or even just a border- plane ride away.
i know we've done our best for him. i know we've worked hard to get the chemo and the surgery and the tests and now radiation. i know a lot of people have helped and given money and prayer and time. i know that from the beginning we knew this was a high grade lymphoma and there was no guarantee of cure.
but i also know that our God is big. bigger than anything. bigger than cancer. and i've seen Him bring healing- full healing- to my son, and many other people i've loved who've been ill. but i've also seen that sometimes the answer to my begging- has been 'no'. and i don't know why. i just know that He can and i pray that he will- again- as i beg and try and beg some more and cry.
prayer is real. it's real and it's way better in numbers. i believe that one of the reasons that jude is alive and well today is because people all over the wide world were praying faithfully for him.
so please. i'm begging. pray for timothy. pray for him by name. pray for him by specific request- to be cured of his cancer. pray for him often. commit to it. he's a boy in africa. one guy in a place far away from most of you. but you can be part of something big- even if you only have a smidgin of faith- small as a mustard seed- ask for healing for him. can it hurt? only by being disappointed if the answer is no. but what if the answer is yes? how amazing!! what if the answer is maybe- what if the answer is- longer than we thought- longer than we'd expect- that is something. no matter what, i know that God will show up- whether timothy has months or decades- with arms of grace for him and his family and all of us who do our part.
please.
1 comment:
will do...xoxo
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