last night we went to a dinner in kampala with several other missionaries and a couple visiting from the US who set up short term missions. it was lovely. one of the question asked was, "what do you miss most from the US?"
everyone said "well aside from my friends and my family....." and then filled in various things like 'fast food' or 'good transportation' or 'reliable supermarkets' or 'less noise'.
i thought and thought. it seemed like a question that i should automatically have an answer for- like what's my favorite color? but i didn't.
what do i miss "well aside from my friends and family..."?
i miss random things, randomly. once in a while i'll miss a watermelon basil king of pops popsicle. or a dunkin' donuts chocolate cruller. or good toilet paper. or not having to worry about if my kids fever could be malaria. but i really don't miss anything consistently or daily.
except.
i do miss two things that seem contradictory but make perfect sense to me. i miss being known and being unknown. i miss being with people who have known me long and still love me, people who have held my years with me, those who there is no fooling, those who can always tell. i miss them. i miss that.
but i also miss being completely unknown and unnoticed. i miss fading into a crowd. i miss being anonymous. i miss walking into a town or a mall and being invisible. because here i stand out. everywhere. here i am stared at, touched, called out to, here i feel like i'm caught somewhere between a movie star and a circus act.
the reason why they both make sense is that they both result in the same feeling. isolation. lacking a history with people can make you feel isolated- as can standing out in the crowd. i am new. i am different. if i go somewhere, everyone knows if i am there, or if i'm not there. the funny thing is that i forget this. some days i can't figure out why everyone is looking at me. sometimes i forget that i'm white in a black crowd. i forget that i don't look like my neighbors and then i long for it. i long to look like everyone else, i'm envious of their beautiful, rich, dark un-sun-damaged skin. i long to be part of their culture and to understand their language and be a part of uganda in a way that i know i never fully will be.
last night, we all had the same conclusion. we all said that what we gain from living in uganda, outweighs the things we miss in the US, which is, i guess, why we're all still here. we all feel lucky to be living, working, and serving, equatorially- in this climate, with these people, with the adventure that comes with less convenience and other risks.
and the bottom line is i am happy. i am really happy here and thankful to be here and while i miss my people and my blendability- i am finding new people who know me too- and some days i guess it's fun to feel like a movie star. and maybe the reason that i sometimes forget my paleness is that maybe i'm blending in on the inside.
everyone said "well aside from my friends and my family....." and then filled in various things like 'fast food' or 'good transportation' or 'reliable supermarkets' or 'less noise'.
i thought and thought. it seemed like a question that i should automatically have an answer for- like what's my favorite color? but i didn't.
what do i miss "well aside from my friends and family..."?
i miss random things, randomly. once in a while i'll miss a watermelon basil king of pops popsicle. or a dunkin' donuts chocolate cruller. or good toilet paper. or not having to worry about if my kids fever could be malaria. but i really don't miss anything consistently or daily.
except.
i do miss two things that seem contradictory but make perfect sense to me. i miss being known and being unknown. i miss being with people who have known me long and still love me, people who have held my years with me, those who there is no fooling, those who can always tell. i miss them. i miss that.
but i also miss being completely unknown and unnoticed. i miss fading into a crowd. i miss being anonymous. i miss walking into a town or a mall and being invisible. because here i stand out. everywhere. here i am stared at, touched, called out to, here i feel like i'm caught somewhere between a movie star and a circus act.
the reason why they both make sense is that they both result in the same feeling. isolation. lacking a history with people can make you feel isolated- as can standing out in the crowd. i am new. i am different. if i go somewhere, everyone knows if i am there, or if i'm not there. the funny thing is that i forget this. some days i can't figure out why everyone is looking at me. sometimes i forget that i'm white in a black crowd. i forget that i don't look like my neighbors and then i long for it. i long to look like everyone else, i'm envious of their beautiful, rich, dark un-sun-damaged skin. i long to be part of their culture and to understand their language and be a part of uganda in a way that i know i never fully will be.
last night, we all had the same conclusion. we all said that what we gain from living in uganda, outweighs the things we miss in the US, which is, i guess, why we're all still here. we all feel lucky to be living, working, and serving, equatorially- in this climate, with these people, with the adventure that comes with less convenience and other risks.
and the bottom line is i am happy. i am really happy here and thankful to be here and while i miss my people and my blendability- i am finding new people who know me too- and some days i guess it's fun to feel like a movie star. and maybe the reason that i sometimes forget my paleness is that maybe i'm blending in on the inside.
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