all

last week i had a very interesting conversation with the guy who brought me my tonic water.  i can't exactly remember how i ended up having an hour long discussion with my waiter about politics and religion, but i did.  what was interesting was that despite his conversion to moromism, and despite his two year missionary service spreading their message, he was still wrestling with some fundamental core issues about the nature of God.  the same issues that most of us deal with if we allow ourselves to- why do bad things happen?  if they happen how can God really be about love? why can't we hear him? this guy was craving more than philosophical answers- he was craving relationship- he was craving being loved and heard by his God and he was craving response.

my kids are now at an age where we can talk about God in a way that is interesting and engaging. this makes dinner time much more fun and challenging.  in between correcting manners and cutting peoples meat and hearing about their days, we go over the verses they are learning and let them explain what they mean.  this week they are learning some of my favorite old testament pieces of wisdom- deut 6: 5

love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength

and jer 29: 13

you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.

one is a command, and one is a promise, and between the two of them, that is a whole lot of "all".  that is encompassing.  that is everything. "all" leaves no room for anything else. 

one of the things i've noticed as i've been learning luganda, is that i spend a lot of time dissecting the words and seeing parts of one word inside another word and wondering why.  so i do that now with english too- it's funny that "all" is inside of "small" because that is often how we seek God.  we seek her in small ways.  we look for her when we remember, when the day is done, or it's sunday and we are supposed to.  we seek when we have time, as an add on, with our leftover energy.  we come with full minds and ringing in our ears from all the other noise, and then we get frustrated that we can't hear the stillness.

well, at least that is my problem. 

all is overwhelming. all is scary.  all is putting everything on the table. all requires trust. all is the high mark set as something to strive for- but thankfully- it's not all or nothing. it is not always or never. in fact 3 of the 4 times in my life when i have "found" God in a clear and undeniable way- i was crawling toward the cross on broken legs. i was spent and used up and worn out from failing to fix it myself.  i was calling out with my last breath, but ironically, in those moments- it was all i had- it was with all of my heart. and the promise held true- warmth and comfort and finding- came.

the more i am able to open myself, quiet my mind, create a sense of stillness and practice listening-  the more i'm able to feel loved and heard-the more i am able to hear the whisper of i am with you always. when i am open, i see the daily revelations. they are small but they are real and full and life giving. they are enough. they remind me of the promise.  

all can be in the always looking, in the paying attention to the details of our moments- to the full moon this morning at 6:30 holding her place as the sun rose- to the tiny blue butterfly on the path up the hill- to the smallness of my childs hand in mine as we walk to her school.  i am with you all-ways.