sometimes i need to go back and remember where we were two years ago. sometimes i forget and i can't- i shouldn't- i mustn't. i need to never forget how hard things were for zoe and for me a few years ago, so that i fully appreciate and express the thanks for where we are now.
this weekend we were in jinja at a halloween extravaganza. it was a lot of people, a lot of kids, many who we didn't know and a lot of newness. costumes, foods, a pool, a playground, and most challenging, two days of free play. basically the kids could do their own thing with their friends. jude and bryn's best school friends were there- zoe's were not. but. she did great.
this was a situation that two years ago, i would have probably avoided like the plague. and if i had been convinced to attend, i would have been a nervous wreck, unable to have a full conversation, constantly wondering where zoe was, if she was managing, or falling apart. i would have had my eye out for how to avoid sticky thoughts and drama. but this weekend- despite plenty of opportunities, she was sticky thought free.
she found her way, she played, she swam, she went off and trick-or-treated with new kids- kids who were new to her, but knew each other (a famous set up for trouble- 'why didn't i know him first!')
she had fun. she had no drama. she was engaged and friendly and kind and stayed out late watching the older kids movie. she didn't need help or rescuing. she didn't need many long conversations that have been had before. she didn't to change because things were scratchy. she didn't even come close to falling to bits.
at the kids movie night, she sat in the dark with her lawn chair next to a "teenage boy"(her age) who was visiting from england. they had trick-or-treated together. she thought he was great and she was pretty sure he thought the same thing about her. ('how do you know?' i asked. ' oh you could just tell by our conversation....' she said. "oh? what were you talking about?" me. "which banda to trick-or-treat at next". what??)
the next day after packing up, when we were walking to the car, she said, "ahh. oh well if i only knew him for one day...." as she batted her eyelashes. "you know he had his arm on my chair mom."
"i know!" i said, "i almost said something to him."
"oh THANK YOU for not saying anything!"
i had to laugh. i had to smile and smile because it was so normal, but with that wonderful zoe flavor- her little spin on things- her joy and appreciation for her moments. her newly acquired awareness. her growing up.
these days we are still struggling to get her out of bed in the mornings and move the pace along with the daily living activities- eating, teeth brushing, etc. these days i still can't believe we are reminding her to not flap her arms sometimes during the funny parts of TV shows, and to please not take her 3 year old sisters toys. but. when i read where we were in the fall of 2010- i am reminded of a season i feared would last forever. i remember the place i lived in- feeling so alone, so afraid, so unable to relax and breath.
so this weekend was delightful. we could play and swim and talk and breathe- because zoe could play and swim and breathe. hopefully, i've learned that i need to do those things no matter what- hopefully i've come to know that it will be okay even when there are sticky thoughts, even when things don't go so smoothly, even when there is some falling to bits.
but the days and the seasons when things are beautiful- i will LOVE them and treasure them and i will not forget how far we've come.
happy halloween!!
this weekend we were in jinja at a halloween extravaganza. it was a lot of people, a lot of kids, many who we didn't know and a lot of newness. costumes, foods, a pool, a playground, and most challenging, two days of free play. basically the kids could do their own thing with their friends. jude and bryn's best school friends were there- zoe's were not. but. she did great.
this was a situation that two years ago, i would have probably avoided like the plague. and if i had been convinced to attend, i would have been a nervous wreck, unable to have a full conversation, constantly wondering where zoe was, if she was managing, or falling apart. i would have had my eye out for how to avoid sticky thoughts and drama. but this weekend- despite plenty of opportunities, she was sticky thought free.
she found her way, she played, she swam, she went off and trick-or-treated with new kids- kids who were new to her, but knew each other (a famous set up for trouble- 'why didn't i know him first!')
she had fun. she had no drama. she was engaged and friendly and kind and stayed out late watching the older kids movie. she didn't need help or rescuing. she didn't need many long conversations that have been had before. she didn't to change because things were scratchy. she didn't even come close to falling to bits.
at the kids movie night, she sat in the dark with her lawn chair next to a "teenage boy"(her age) who was visiting from england. they had trick-or-treated together. she thought he was great and she was pretty sure he thought the same thing about her. ('how do you know?' i asked. ' oh you could just tell by our conversation....' she said. "oh? what were you talking about?" me. "which banda to trick-or-treat at next". what??)
the next day after packing up, when we were walking to the car, she said, "ahh. oh well if i only knew him for one day...." as she batted her eyelashes. "you know he had his arm on my chair mom."
"i know!" i said, "i almost said something to him."
"oh THANK YOU for not saying anything!"
i had to laugh. i had to smile and smile because it was so normal, but with that wonderful zoe flavor- her little spin on things- her joy and appreciation for her moments. her newly acquired awareness. her growing up.
these days we are still struggling to get her out of bed in the mornings and move the pace along with the daily living activities- eating, teeth brushing, etc. these days i still can't believe we are reminding her to not flap her arms sometimes during the funny parts of TV shows, and to please not take her 3 year old sisters toys. but. when i read where we were in the fall of 2010- i am reminded of a season i feared would last forever. i remember the place i lived in- feeling so alone, so afraid, so unable to relax and breath.
so this weekend was delightful. we could play and swim and talk and breathe- because zoe could play and swim and breathe. hopefully, i've learned that i need to do those things no matter what- hopefully i've come to know that it will be okay even when there are sticky thoughts, even when things don't go so smoothly, even when there is some falling to bits.
but the days and the seasons when things are beautiful- i will LOVE them and treasure them and i will not forget how far we've come.
happy halloween!!
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