“Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who
they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really
know what love is.”
it seems that sunday afternoons about every two months have become the time when mike and i find ourselves hashing out our lives. usually, rose is napping, and the other kids have either left to play of their own will or been asked to leave so we can have alone time, so the house is quiet and the things we've been sitting with for a while, come out. this is usually a time that starts out well and good intentioned, but then deteriorates into me feeling massively overwhelmed by myself, me feeling unworthy, failure like, and hopeless (along with tired and resentful and of course, angry). eventually, there is some resolve, or some child smooshing their face against the window begging to come back inside, and so it stops. it might be a small request from mike like, 'can you try to remember to lock the car' but i hear it as ENORMOUS. as if a massive character flaw is being pointed out. so instead of simply saying "sure", i tend to make mountains out of molehills. i just seem to be wired for mountains. unfortunately yesterdays discussion moved to that being the problem. my mountainness- my extremeness. my drama. my ability to go from zero to twenty in 5 seconds.
oh dear.
again, i couldn't just say, "okay. i can see how that could be overwhelming for you." no. i had to turn it into, "if this drives you crazy about me, then how can you really love me??" i said things like, "if i am a pie chart- this is a huge piece of the pie!" i said, "this is what other people love about me!" (wondering as the words flew out, if that was in fact correct..and doubting it) i said, "this is who i am, and if you knew this about me, why did you marry me?" i said, "i am passionate, i am high amplitude!"
he said it wasn't a big deal, that he was just asking me to simmer down about the negative stuff.
i paused. i kind of believed him. i wondered why i am so quick to over react, to dramaqueen it, to hang myself out to dry, to speak from a place of assuming that ultimately i am unlovable.
the thing is, mike has had many opportunities to see my darkness, to really know me. and thankfully, he has forgiven my darkness too- so really, i can rest in the confidence of his love. i can let the locking the car, lower the intensity statements, just be what they are. and no more.
and really, it's a very reasonable request (probably a lot more reasonable then me demanding that zoe stop the whistling- and said much more calmly too).
so i said that i do believe in betterment and trying and responding to his needs, even if it requires me working on reigning it in. even if it feels unnatural. even if it's hard. i told him that i certainly don't think i've "arrived"somewhere - that i want to live my life on a path of continual growth and awakening and depth and evolution.
so i can be courageous and say, 'you are right' and try to simmer but still shine. i can trust that cooling it a bit, won't squelch the good fire inside. because we are meant to shine. we are meant to be the best of ourselves, to be bold and mountainy, but also peace giving and full of love. i can be passionate with out needing to be angry, i can be full of life, with out drama.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ―Marianne Williamson
“Always seek less turbulent skies.
Hurt. Fly above it.
Betrayal. Fly above it.
Anger. Fly above it.
You are the one who is flying the plane.”
i paused. i kind of believed him. i wondered why i am so quick to over react, to dramaqueen it, to hang myself out to dry, to speak from a place of assuming that ultimately i am unlovable.
the thing is, mike has had many opportunities to see my darkness, to really know me. and thankfully, he has forgiven my darkness too- so really, i can rest in the confidence of his love. i can let the locking the car, lower the intensity statements, just be what they are. and no more.
and really, it's a very reasonable request (probably a lot more reasonable then me demanding that zoe stop the whistling- and said much more calmly too).
so i said that i do believe in betterment and trying and responding to his needs, even if it requires me working on reigning it in. even if it feels unnatural. even if it's hard. i told him that i certainly don't think i've "arrived"somewhere - that i want to live my life on a path of continual growth and awakening and depth and evolution.
so i can be courageous and say, 'you are right' and try to simmer but still shine. i can trust that cooling it a bit, won't squelch the good fire inside. because we are meant to shine. we are meant to be the best of ourselves, to be bold and mountainy, but also peace giving and full of love. i can be passionate with out needing to be angry, i can be full of life, with out drama.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ―Marianne Williamson
“Always seek less turbulent skies.
Hurt. Fly above it.
Betrayal. Fly above it.
Anger. Fly above it.
You are the one who is flying the plane.”
―Marianne Williamson
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