is this really where we are in life?

i can't wait.  my mom is coming to visit in one month.  we are so excited that we are fixing up the once garage, now home school and table saw storage room, for her.

when she comes she likes to know what to bring and she likes to know in advance.  she's ready for "the list"- she's ready to start hunting for the random items that we are either unable to get here, or cost way too much here. so i was on line looking for some things for zoe- namely a swimsuit with attached skirt, and longer shorts- when i decided to look for some things for me- just to look.

i was on ebay, wondering why none of the shoes in my search looked very good, why most of them looked like what my grandmother wore, when i realized that i was on page four, of 64 pages  of my ebay search for, and i quote, "comfortable womens sandals". 

oh dear.

is that where we are in life? did i really search for comfortable womens sandals?

no.

i refuse.

i changed the search to 'sexy womens sandals'. and i got 64 pages of  neck-breaking stilettos. and i realized that while much cuter, i just can't walk in the 4.5 inch heels, and i'd be taller than mike.

so i changed the search again, to 'comfortable sexy womens sandals'.

yep.  i got the "we're sorry, but there are no matches to that search".  zero.  zilch. no such thing.  of course. it all sort of sums up being a woman. the dichotomy between comfort and sexy.

well i wish that was the only 'is this really where we are in life?' moment.  but it was the minor one.

mike is out of town and it was my first night with four kids alone.  let me pause to say that i effectively have five kids, as zoe counts for at least two children.  things were going fine- dinner was done and i actually cooked it (although cereal was a very tempting option)-but zoe was being overly silly, annoying, and difficult.  after dinner i could tell we were headed for trouble so i took her to her room and asked her about 'her engine', where she thought it was.
"high!" she said.
"yes.  and how can i tell that it is high?"
"by my smile? and my laughing?"
"yes.  and by your inability to focus and your constant moving."

then i had a brilliant idea.  it was really fool proof. i put her in the bath, washed her hair for her, laid out her pajamas and her toothbrush and a book and lit some candles in case the power went out.  this would be perfect!  she's become relaxed and calm and i can read to the other three kids and put them to bed.  all i asked was that she be quiet and not call to me.

so it began and after about 30 minutes i was almost done.  rose was almost asleep and i was feeling very pleased with myself and my magnificent plan.  i was envisioning picking out a good teen dance movie and snuggling in bed with zoe and watching it.  i was envisioning some good mother daughter time, staying up later and bonding.  just as rose has nodded off, my daydream was disrupted by a very loud explicative "GGGRRRRHHHHHH!!!!" from the bathroom, which translates to, "i'm trying to do something and failing and i'm sooooo frustrated that everyone needs to know it!"

i felt all the little hairs on my arms stand on end.  rosie rolled over, i held my breath.  please DON'T do that again. but i knew it was coming.
"GGGRRRHHHHHHHH!!!OHHHH!!!!"

that was it. i knew where we were headed so i hedged my bets and sneaked out of the room.  she was still in the bath, there was  a lot of water on the floor and she was mad because she was trying to do some silly hairstyle and couldn't get her hair to do what she wanted.  i wanted to kill her.  no.  really.
i was so mad that she wasn't able to do the ONE thing i asked- not yell.  i was so mad about what her yelling was about.  i was so mad that she'd ruined my daydream of watching 'honey' dance her way out of the hood, together.

after some not-so-good words and facial expressions, i left her to get out of the bath and i retreated to the living room to attempt to calm myself down, as my engine was on super high.

is this really where we are in life?

can my 12 year old not manage a simple, set up routine task?  i'd done all the hard stuff- how hard could it be? she almost woke up the baby, is there any executive function at all?  will she ever be aware of other people as much as she is aware of her self?  oopps.  is she even aware of herself? perhaps that is the problem.

i knew i was over reacting, but i couldn't tell how much.  so i made some milk tea and ate a lot of chocolate chips and peanut butter and thought about it.  then i did what i always do, i went and apologized for loosing it and tried to see if she could understand at all where i was coming from.  she said she could, i'm not sure i believe her, but it was nice to hear.

just then mike called.  and he listened for a long time as i said a lot of not-so-good words and told him i almost killed his oldest child, and that the worst part was that it wasn't even that bad.  i mean we've come SO FAR!

that is when he reminded me: it's the baggage.  we can't see things for what they are sometimes because they're so magnified by their baggage.  each little episode carries a ton of history and fear about the future.  maybe now more than ever because she's going to school next year.

he reminded me that we will get to a place where she won't shout "GGGRRRHHH" and we will watch teen dance movies- but instead of 12 it might be at 15.  it just takes longer.

he also said, "i know." because he does.
"it's hard." because it really is.
and "i love you." because he does. and i really needed to hear that, because yelling at special challenged children can make you feel pretty unlovable.

zoe forgave me for over reacting and throwing a towel at her (which p.s. landed in the tub instead- when it was full of water).  i forgave her for yelling and nearly waking up the other three kids.

this is where we are in life.  the GGGRRRHHH's and the frustration.  the creeping out of the rooms of sleeping children to deal with other children.  the continual attempt to accept where we are and what our life is, learning to say, 'i'm sorry' again, and again.  remembering it's the baggage, that its a long bumpy road.

i guess it's no wonder i'm looking for comfortable shoes.