eat pray love

this is our first family picture with rose- note she is refusing to look at the camera.  but it kind of sums it all up. the randomness of it- some smiling, some squinting, some looking at the camera, others looking at each other- being at the pool- unprepared for a picture- but somehow i love it.

the other night mike and i watched the movie 'eat, pray, love' based on the book with the same name.   it's a memoir about a woman finding herself and her future husband- by up and leaving her life and her first husband.  she goes to italy to eat, and find passion in the food and language and friendship, she goes to india to pray and find her soul at an ashram, she goes to bali where she finds love. i read the book a few years ago, but i never finished it-  i never made it out of india. i got bored and thought she was self-absorbed. 

but when i watched the movie, there was something appealing about the indulgence.  because it is so far removed from where i am right now.  i'm kind of living the opposite (except for the title- because i'm doing a lot of eating, praying and loving- just right here at home).  i had a moment of imagining myself doing this.  taking a massive life time-out. using my 'get out of jail free' card (except i think i've already used it at some point) -up and moving to italy to eat napoleons and fresh pasta, to drink cappuccino and red wine, and listen to the sweet roll of the italian language.  to be alone and free and untethered.

which i might like for all of about, a day. 

i remember when we were young and first married (and i mean young- like 22)  i felt badly that i'd never traveled anywhere alone. i felt like i was missing out on something, i wondered if there was something wrong with me.  we were living in boston with no money- but had a family friend who had a house on nantucket.  so we decided i should go for the weekend-alone- to be alone- to "travel" for me- to experience this. so i took a train, to a bus, to a ferry boat, to nantucket.  i felt grown up and mature and independent and curious for about four hours- and half way through the ferry ride, i was bored and wanted someone to talk with.  i arrived and walked to the house, found the key, had some dinner and went to bed. the next day i walked to town, had coffee and cinnamon buns and looked at art galleries and walked the wharf. i had never gone so long without talking.  sometimes when no one next to me on the street i would say something out loud just to hear my voice and make sure it was still in there. 

by the afternoon i was on the ferry back home.  i came home early because i like sharing my life with the people i love.  i wanted to hear what mike thought about the paintings i was looking at- i wanted him to tell me stories of being on his boat as a kid- i wanted to dream with him about someday running away together to live as artists in a run down nantucket beach house where we'd wear wool sweaters that we'd made on our loom and eat food from our garden and dig for clams and ride in our dingy.

i know that when most people travel alone- they are doing it for the experience of knowing themselves better- knowing a place- meeting new people and connecting with people from that place- or other travelers, and that my nantucket trip was not about that.  but it reminded me that i liked my life.  i loved my guy.  and that i enjoy my life more with him.

so even though there is something enticing about wandering the streets of foreign cities alone with a gelato, especially when i've added another child who still occasionally forgets to go to the potty,  i couldn't, i really couldn't get up and leave my life.  because i like my messy life.  and i think we can find ourselves right where we are and with who we are already with- if we're looking.  because i like eating where ever i am- when i'm with people who i enjoy.  and because i find God in most places.  and because love, for love, i really don't need to go to bali.  just look at the picture.