listening to the rain

it was such a good rainy day.

last night it started, that soft sprinkling sound that blends into a giant "hush" like the ocean- the lulling of nature- calling us to be still, to stay longer in bed, to not be in such a rush, to be held by the world.

and sometimes we need that to feel small and covered again.

i should have known when zoe began fake crying like a baby the morning we went to pick up rose- that there would be some regression.  change is hard for her- even change that she begged for- like a little sister.  i did a good job of lowering the expectations that first day and night and actually that whole week, but tomorrow it will be three weeks and as usual, accidentally before my very eyes, those expectations ratcheted themselves back up too soon. 

the problem with having some trauma in your life, is that as soon as you experience any sensation related to that trauma- you kind of panic.  it can be the smell of anesthesia, the color of a wall, or the stickiness of the thought or the increase in distractability. 

this week zoe is definitely having more sticky thoughts- more trouble regulating, and a shorter fuse. i feel like saying, "oh come on! get over it! it's been three weeks- so rose cries sometimes...so she takes your toys... so she gets attention.  let's move on!" but i know better.  i know it takes time and that it's hard.  i also know that how i feel about her reactions aren't just about her- they are about me.

they sends me to places i don't want to go. remind me of places i've been and have feared returning to. and again, as i have always done, i ruminate over decisions that have already been made. i second guess everything that could have possibly affected her.  should i not have had her during medical school with all that stress exposure? should i have fought the doctor about inducing her a month early for supposed IUGR? should we not have moved? should we not have changed her school? should we not have come to the picnic? was the addition of rose too much for her? did we just rock a finally steadying boat?

but life can't be lived that way.  life can't revolve around one child, and family decisions shouldn't be made with only one person in mind. that's not good for anybody.  and i can't keep questioning.  i can't let the bumps on the path roll me over.  i can't assume that a rough week is a permanent set back.  i can't keep fearing the return- because we never really return to the same trauma.  even if my worst fear came true, if she began school and couldn't do it, if we were back to homeschooling- it wouldn't be the same as three years ago- there has been evolution and progress in all of us.

what i need to do is trust and love and live in that trust and love.  i need to show her more love- even when she's struggling to be kind.  i need to show her that i trust her process- that i can handle a bumpy ride- that i have more faith than fear- that she is ready for the scarey stuff like having a new sister and going back to school after a tough exit. i need to step back from our past challenges and embrace the progress and walk boldly with her into our future.

and i need to listen to the hush of the rain as she tells me to be still, and stop rushing things, to stay where i am and feel held- and small- and covered.