our days, our choices

what is in our days? 

we sit with time, in it, around it, pushing it, fitting it, squeezing what we can from it.  time goes on with or with out us, ignoring what we do or don't do with it, whether it's packed and busy or empty or appreciated or not.  so it's up to us to make it be beautiful.  we have a choice- each moment is a choice.  i don't mean that in an overwhelming way, or a burdensome way, but in a way that we should remember.

i've been having a lot of migraines this year.  i've spent a bunch of time trying to figure out why- what the triggers are- what foods, drinks, smells, weather patterns, sleep patterns, stress levels- predict a headache, what is causal, what ingredients go into to my small version of suffering.  so far i'm kind of stuck, i don't know what causes them, and i'm so very sick of thinking about it, talking about it, expending any energy trying to understand, that i've given in- i'm realizing that i might not know- it might be random- i may have very little control.   and i still have my days, my children, my work, my life.  those things don't change if i have a migraine or not. so i have a choice.  i always have a choice. 

this week i've had about 4, thankfully only one was really bad. it's discouraging, annoying, and obviously uncomfortable but i would never have called it suffering.  when i was in kenya i was talking with someone who said his wife "also suffers from migraines".  i remember saying, "well, i don't know if i'd describe it as suffering."  and he thought i was a little bit crazy and wondered if i actually do get migraines or know what one is because clearly you'd describe it as suffering.

i think he's right.  there is suffering.  my head hurts, my body hurts, i'm often off balance, my head is foggy, sounds and light and smells bother me and my mood is bad.  there is enduring pain and distress and knowing that it will return.  but my question has changed from what is the cause of this suffering, to what can i do with it?  what choices can i make with this thorn in my side?


i can choose to not let it stop me.  i can choose to get up and get on with my life and make dinner and bathe people even when i'm feeling poorly. i can choose to feel fabulous and be so, so very thankful for days like today when i'm headache free.  but i can also choose to be more gentle, to be patient, to be more kind to myself, and to be forgiving.  i can use it to remember that life doesn't need to run at a neck breaking pace all the time, that slowing it down can be good, that life is harder when you feel out of whack. 

maybe this thorn is revelation.  maybe it's to stop me in my tracks and force me to see life for zoe in a way that i couldn't have with out migraines. to know a part of her world- sometimes off balance, sounds too loud, lights too bright, clothes too tight. now i can understand her better.  so maybe i can accept the quirks, and love her ability to be happy most of the time despite feeling off.  maybe i can learn from watching her choices, learn from her choice to power through a life that feels out of whack. maybe these migraines will help me to be more tolerant of her slowing down, more forgiving of her oversensitivity and more in awe of her endurance. 

"Suffering carves space in our heart to be more accepting, loving & forgiving." phileena heuertz

maybe that's why it hurts.  it's the carving.  but inside is a gift, inside there can be space. and accepting, loving and forgiving? i want to be these things.

so i will breathe deep and enjoy today and be softer to zoe, and softer to others, because we all suffer in some small unacknowledged way.  breathe.