endurance

i've been thinking about endurance.  about how hard it is- how long it takes-how never ending it can seem. and how much i don't like it.

endurance- bearing with hardship, pushing on, continuing existance- even when it hurts like heck.

i think these days many of us have become intolerant of endurance. 
we much prefer avoidance, or if unavoidable then overcoming- but the idea of enduring- we don't like it, in fact we hate it.  i'm in that group.  when i find myself sitting with something really tough or painful, the last thing i want to do is endure it. i want to fix it.  so i begin to problem solve, make lists,  do research,  investigate and then implement. 

it's only after failing, after many attempts to go back to the drawing board and try the other avenues and then failing again, after getting really mad, and obsessing and perseverating, and usually after several other unrelated categories in my life have broken- their fragments added to the heap i'm dealing with- only then do i stop.  only then do i take pause and think about endurance. only then do i consider that maybe 'the something' i'm trying so desperately (and yes that is an appropriate adverb) to overcome, is something to be endured.  maybe this is something that will not go away.  maybe it's not to be overcome. maybe it just is and i might never know why. so maybe my energy needs to be spent differently. instead of fighting it, learning to exist with it- problem solving about how to press on- building community and support to sustain my endurance.

today, after writing most of this post, i was acutely reminded of what requires tremendous endurance- zoe.  i wanted to wring her neck.  i wanted to not hear her voice, to not see her, to not have to spend another minute discussing her getting 'another chance' about whatever. 

raising children requires endurance.  raising children with special needs- who demand a lot of time and attention- who technically qualify as at least 2 children- that requires even more endurance. 

this evening, while trying to get out of the house to meet some visitors from the US, i was followed around by jude who wanted to calculate the exact amount of time that his parents would be out- bryn who wanted more food- rose who wants to tell me the names of everything because she's so excited to know more english- and zoe who was behaving in a way that required time and attention- doing things that she knew would make the time revolve around her. 

comparatively it wasn't that bad. but.  after a full day with her- giving her lots of time and attention- spent working on helping her regulate- hiking with her- playing- being incredibly patient with her multiple times- and basically feeling like i deserved a medal for my excellent behavior and parenting skills- i was just done.  i was so tired of having every interaction need so much support.  i was mad that she was taking time away from the other kids again. that she was the squeaky wheel, again.

surprisingly i didn't explode on the outside (for which i do deserve snaps) but on the inside i was furious.  because while she didn't know it, my patience tank was on empty.  there was nothing left. i was out of gas.

when mike and i got in the car- i kind of exploded- or vented loudly with a few *&%^&$ exclamations about how 'done' i was.  and as we bumped along the road and sat in a bunch of traffic, i remembered what i'd been writing about. endurance.

oh yeah, that.

that is exactly what i need to work on.  how to endure. how to live with this. how to even bloom in this. because she will always be the squeaky wheel- the child who takes more time- that is not going away.

i have several friends who are dealing with things that are so very hard that any of my trials, my bad zoe moments,  seem tiny and really insignificant.  they are living with things i wouldn't want to endure.  they are enduring cancers, some that are cured and some that aren't, and amputations, or medical problems that are unsolved and causing tremendous pain and stress, or children that demand much more time and energy than mine, or poverty. 

there is nothing wrong with trying to fix anything, and everything.  when it's fixable. but somethings aren't.

so i pray into this.  that i will learn to endure and churn my hardships into some sort of beauty.  that my energy will be learning how to endure, leaning on my God, sometimes crawling to the cross, and sometimes singing hallelujah.