what is going on

this morning an almond croissant magically appeared on my doorstep in a box from my favorite kampala cafe.  a little gift fallen from heaven.  of course it's the day after i was given the recommendation to go gluten-free to rid myself of migraines. after i'd psyched myself up to embark on that sad breadless path that zoe walks.  the day after i realized that anything is better than a migraine.  well, except not having a divinely provided almond croissant.  i mean how can i turn that down?  gluten-free experiment might need to  start next week. 

last night mike and i decided to use our babysitter time to have a logistics meeting instead of a date night.  not sure that was a good idea.  i mean talking about the budget and our schedule and about meeting with rose's birth mom again on friday, might be best in the distraction of our usual chaos- not during the precious childless hours.  i'm mean maybe lumping all the challenge together is the way to go- keep the alone together time pure.  ooops.

i was kind of awful.  or at least a little bit.  i picked fights, i assumed i was being challenged, i didn't even know why? finally when i was lying in bed wondering what was really going on here- all sorts of stuff came out.  finally when i let my guard down- it wasn't about mixing budget talk and tilapia.

it was about people leaving- for good and for the summer- it was about the loss, and the being left and it was about how much we have to be for each other over here.

i need to process my life out loud (and preferably with a very understanding girlfriend).  talking through problems, or issues, or questions, or decisions is the way i roll- it helps keep the crazy down, it helps tie down the kite strings.  talking through being zoe's mom, and adding rose, and what about the boys, and being a missionary in africa, and how to begin to wrap my mind around my life as a whole, that it might not be lived in short sprints as i've been attempting- that it might be long distance.  that it is long distance- especially with zoe. or maybe it's less like long distance and more like running repetitive 300 yard sprints- over and over again.

in high school i ran track.  i'll be honest.  i did this because it seemed the easiest way to "letter".  to get that jacket that only came with a sewn on symbol of what extracurricular activity you did well.  turns out i could sprint- so i did. the 40, 50, 100, 200, and 300 yard races, depending on if it were winter or spring.   the three hundred yard was the killer for me- it was a straight out sprint that went on and on. it was painful.  maybe that is like life with special kids.  so you have to build in breaks.  you have to learn to stop and drink a lot of water (or something) before you go on to the next one.

so living wholly and balanced and patiently remains the challenging theme of my life.  talking logistics somehow shines the light on this.  i was feeling unbalanced and confused and made up of disjointed parts.  i was missing people who are far away and who are about to be far away. i was feeling the absence and the void and the extra demands that living culturally isolated puts on our relationship.

late at night under that mosquito net, i figured this out.  it became less confusing and complicated and really very simple.  i like my friends. i miss them when they are away. they help bring wholeness and balance to my life.  they remind me of patience, they model kindness and love.  they tell me that even though i feel like i'm in the same spot all the time, i'm actually moving in a spiral- slowly going up- slowly evolving- i just circle back to the same spot and don't see the motion.  

so we didn't make the perfect schedule or resolve the budget, but i felt thankful for the people in my life, and for mike who gets me, knows me and likes me anyway.  especially thankful for the grace that helps us  be for each other all the things we need to be here.