four-leafed clover

i was sitting in the grass in my yard in front of a mountain of our belongings.  i was supposed to be tallying the contents of the boxes and their weights- but instead- i was looking for a four-leafed clover.  i wanted some little blessing sprinkled next to me.  i wanted some magic.  of course whenever i've gone looking for luck- i've never found it.

i remember being 10 in 1980, with my turquoise rabbits foot hooked to my levi cut-offs and my giant back pocket comb (with my name on the handle), exaggerating how tiny i was back then, my sports socks pulled to my knees and a powder blue san diego chargers football jersey. good times.  i remember looking hard for four-leafed clovers and shooting stars and wondering if they ever even really existed because i never found either. 

then two summers ago, the summer i decided to home school zoe, i found two right next to each other.  i literally stumbled upon them, which i guess is the point.  i was walking home from somewhere with the kids doing the half-listening but answering gig, while thinking about something totally different.  you know that, 'oh it is a really big bird! wow!' which is an appropriate response, but if asked a minute later what you just said, you'd have no idea.  it's amazing how the mind and the body can go on automatic pilot.  i remember learning to drive.  i would pay so much attention to every detail in the car and outside the car- but now i just drive while doing a few other things and end up somewhere and the driving part was completely incidental. well i can be that way with my kids sometimes- not usually- but sometimes. so while answering some question with part of my brain, most of my brain was processing this massive change i was making- to be home- to be a home schooler- with zoe. i was thinking what a ridiculous idea this must be and i was praying silently for a sign or an answer about what was the 'right' thing- because for me and my kind- there is a haunting feeling that there is always a 'right' thing (singular)- you just need to find it.  so as i thought and talked and pushed the stroller up the hill to our house, i looked to the right and in the middle of a large patch of clovers was a four-leafed one!  the first one i'd ever found- in my 38 years.  i bent down to get it and right next to it was another one.  double luck! at the time it was an affirmation.  a little tiny blessing- unsolicited.  perhaps in retrospect, it was a premonition- good luck, you're going to need it!

but i don't really believe in luck and superstitions and astrology.  i've had patients come in with a nose bleed that won't stop and when i asked if they pinched it and tilted their head back.  'no,' they say, 'why would i do that, i put my keys on a string and swung it around so the keys dangled down my back.' right,  i'm dying to know where that one came from.

patients have told me that if a bird flies into your house it means someone in the house will die that night.  the one time a bird flew in my house in san francisco, i had a miscarriage that night.  so what do i know, it's still interesting to think on these things sometimes.

according to astrology, as a sagittarius woman, i'd do best with an aries man, and my worst combination would be with a capricorn (which is mike.)  we did get a good laugh over some of the 'coincidences' of our descriptions and our challenges.  lucky for us, it said if we work at it, we can achieve greatness.  too funny.

so i don't know why today i was sitting there looking desperately for a leafy piece of luck- but i was.  maybe it's what happens with great change near by. we go looking for physical cosmic confirmation.  but as our stuff goes off 5 months ahead of us, uganda still feels right, even with out a four-leafed clover.

is a preying mantis good luck? 'cause there is one hanging out on my screen porch right now.  rats.  on closer inspection its just a grasshopper.