i love the dimensionality that the leaves bring- both to sight and sound. it gives a voice to the wind and personality to the trees. life feels more balanced.
i just cleaned the whole house-top to bottom- for the house showing today. and there is something about the doing of work that feels so good. it's different then the work of the mind. when your body is engaged in scrubbing and sweeping and dusting, the mind is free to go where it wants. when i was a girl and arguing about not wanting to study and saying that i didn't care if i went to college because i just wanted to be a mom and stay home, she would say "well college will give you something to think about when you're changing diapers or washing toilets!"
i'm glad that i get to use my mind at work- but it's good to do the other work too- freeing in a different way. so while i cleaned my mind wandered to an email i got last night from a good friend. she was talking about the incongruity of accepting things and being at peace, but also pushing forward and almost fighting against the challenges that we face. which tactic should we embrace? how do we find a balance there?
it is a very hard balance. i was thinking about balance itself. how much effort it requires while sometimes appearing to require none. in the book 'let the great word spin' when the tightrope walker talks about walking on the wire- balancing- he talks about the constant micro-adjustments of his body- knowing to move his abdominal muscle slightly will straighten up his shoulder- but overdoing it will throw him off. even for a professional, it takes subtle but constantly corrective little moves to maintain balance.
my moves aren't subtle. i'm quick to lose my footing, falling too far to one side, over correcting, followed by lots of wobbling- hands out- feet wide- eyes down when they should be straight ahead. it makes me think about peter wanting to walk on the water - he could do it as long as he had his eyes on Jesus- but if he took them off, if he looked down- he began to sink- walk by faith, not by sight. and yoga is about balance, finding your center, alignment, micro-adjustments. but you need to do it by feel and awareness, not by sight. if i look down and use my eyes to try to correct my body - i always wobble and fall.
i do think that peace and pushing can be harmonious. acceptance and fighting to overcome, can go together. i think the peace and acceptance part informs the pushing, fighting part. and i think if you dissect each individual situation, you find sections you should accept and others you shouldn't - things that aren't worth a fight and things that you'd be a fool if you didn't say 'No' to.
i think about martin luther king jr. (again!) he used peace, he accepted the law and it's consequences but he said absolutely "No" to injustice. he pushed- but peacefully. he fought- but with love.
i think about my patients with tough illness. i watch them struggle to find peace- but also fight to their cancer. the man that comes to mind is a patient that i can say i love. really. i love him and his wife. they have been with me for a year and a half. he has stage 4 colon cancer- he's had it for years. he has been able to really live with his disease. he has found peace - he has begun to appreciate what he loves even more than he ever knew- gardening, barbecuing, playing poker. he has continued to 'fight' his cancer- he's now on 4th line chemo. he accepts that he has it, yes. in his case, he accepts that it's not curable. but he chooses to live with it. to still enjoy each day. to not focus on the cancer, to not focus on the end.
but, he will speak it. there is this thing i've seen in the south, especially among southern christians, where they won't "speak" it. they won't let you "speak it". there is a fear that talking about the cancer, or the likely progression of the cancer, or the fact that it is incurable, will make it "be". silence is protective to them. vocalization has power. i can honestly say, i've never seen good come out of this, and i've seem much harm come out of it. it's imbalanced. it's fear based.
i interviewed mr. b in front of the medical school class. he wanted to share with them that it is possible to live with cancer- even his cancer- even cancer that is incurable. it's about allowing the process of finding peace and acceptance. and it is a process. it's about doing what you need to do to push it back, to fight it off, to slow it down. i've seen it's hard to be at peace when you're not "speaking it" and you're only fighting it. calm and pushing, they go together, yin-yang.
i think about this in my walk with zoe. it is hard for me to figure out what i need to accept and what i need to challenge. how much can she really do? how hard should i push her? what should my expectations be? are they too low and i'm devaluing her? are they too high and i'm setting us all up for failure? it's a struggle for sure. i do better with peace. i do better with love. i do better leaning on God and not on me. it's easier for me to let go when i see how truly small my hands are anyway.
wobbling, stumbling, steadying, holding it, losing it. starting it all over again. that is my balancing act.
i just cleaned the whole house-top to bottom- for the house showing today. and there is something about the doing of work that feels so good. it's different then the work of the mind. when your body is engaged in scrubbing and sweeping and dusting, the mind is free to go where it wants. when i was a girl and arguing about not wanting to study and saying that i didn't care if i went to college because i just wanted to be a mom and stay home, she would say "well college will give you something to think about when you're changing diapers or washing toilets!"
i'm glad that i get to use my mind at work- but it's good to do the other work too- freeing in a different way. so while i cleaned my mind wandered to an email i got last night from a good friend. she was talking about the incongruity of accepting things and being at peace, but also pushing forward and almost fighting against the challenges that we face. which tactic should we embrace? how do we find a balance there?
it is a very hard balance. i was thinking about balance itself. how much effort it requires while sometimes appearing to require none. in the book 'let the great word spin' when the tightrope walker talks about walking on the wire- balancing- he talks about the constant micro-adjustments of his body- knowing to move his abdominal muscle slightly will straighten up his shoulder- but overdoing it will throw him off. even for a professional, it takes subtle but constantly corrective little moves to maintain balance.
my moves aren't subtle. i'm quick to lose my footing, falling too far to one side, over correcting, followed by lots of wobbling- hands out- feet wide- eyes down when they should be straight ahead. it makes me think about peter wanting to walk on the water - he could do it as long as he had his eyes on Jesus- but if he took them off, if he looked down- he began to sink- walk by faith, not by sight. and yoga is about balance, finding your center, alignment, micro-adjustments. but you need to do it by feel and awareness, not by sight. if i look down and use my eyes to try to correct my body - i always wobble and fall.
i do think that peace and pushing can be harmonious. acceptance and fighting to overcome, can go together. i think the peace and acceptance part informs the pushing, fighting part. and i think if you dissect each individual situation, you find sections you should accept and others you shouldn't - things that aren't worth a fight and things that you'd be a fool if you didn't say 'No' to.
i think about martin luther king jr. (again!) he used peace, he accepted the law and it's consequences but he said absolutely "No" to injustice. he pushed- but peacefully. he fought- but with love.
i think about my patients with tough illness. i watch them struggle to find peace- but also fight to their cancer. the man that comes to mind is a patient that i can say i love. really. i love him and his wife. they have been with me for a year and a half. he has stage 4 colon cancer- he's had it for years. he has been able to really live with his disease. he has found peace - he has begun to appreciate what he loves even more than he ever knew- gardening, barbecuing, playing poker. he has continued to 'fight' his cancer- he's now on 4th line chemo. he accepts that he has it, yes. in his case, he accepts that it's not curable. but he chooses to live with it. to still enjoy each day. to not focus on the cancer, to not focus on the end.
but, he will speak it. there is this thing i've seen in the south, especially among southern christians, where they won't "speak" it. they won't let you "speak it". there is a fear that talking about the cancer, or the likely progression of the cancer, or the fact that it is incurable, will make it "be". silence is protective to them. vocalization has power. i can honestly say, i've never seen good come out of this, and i've seem much harm come out of it. it's imbalanced. it's fear based.
i interviewed mr. b in front of the medical school class. he wanted to share with them that it is possible to live with cancer- even his cancer- even cancer that is incurable. it's about allowing the process of finding peace and acceptance. and it is a process. it's about doing what you need to do to push it back, to fight it off, to slow it down. i've seen it's hard to be at peace when you're not "speaking it" and you're only fighting it. calm and pushing, they go together, yin-yang.
i think about this in my walk with zoe. it is hard for me to figure out what i need to accept and what i need to challenge. how much can she really do? how hard should i push her? what should my expectations be? are they too low and i'm devaluing her? are they too high and i'm setting us all up for failure? it's a struggle for sure. i do better with peace. i do better with love. i do better leaning on God and not on me. it's easier for me to let go when i see how truly small my hands are anyway.
wobbling, stumbling, steadying, holding it, losing it. starting it all over again. that is my balancing act.
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