i've decided it's the gray wolf. our spirit animal. we're all sitting out here on the porch - the five of us- our little wolf pack. the kids are pups, always skirtling around at our feet- doing there own thing- but with us in reach. i've got the spot in the sun.
there is a lot on my mind today. about our movement, our choice of motion, our need to not settle in, our need to push, to be in near constant challenge. it's a funny combination of a natural process and one we also repeatedly question, mike perhaps more than me. he'll say, ' do you ever wonder why we can't just have a challenge-less season?' or 'why can't we just live our lives?' i kind of know what he means. we're always stepping into something else- pushing the boundary-just when we get to a place where things are more comfortable. but does God ask us to be comfortable? i think not. He asks us to follow him- even when it's uncomfortable- even if it's knowingly uncomfortable. so, why are we surprised. i also think that when you step into it- you keep going. one choice leads to another choice, you move closer to one place and farther from another. you go with that nudge- whatever you chose to allow yourself to be nudged by. so i've been looking back at our decisions, at our nudgings.
i remember when we moved to san francisco. we loved it. if there ever was a 'spirit city' that would be it for us. when we landed there before i started residency- i looked around at the wild calla lilies and the quick growing lemon trees' in our neighbors yard and that strong earthy smell of eucalyptus and knew that as foreign as it was- i'd found my home- my past life home. i remember thinking- we'll never leave.
when i finished residency and fellowship, i had a job as faculty at UCSF and mike was well employed as an architect. we had a third baby on the way. we had great friends and a great church and a small but great apartment. we had good doctors, and zoe was well plugged into the san francisco public school special ed world. we sat in the little breakfast 'nook' and talked about our future. we knew we could 'make it' out there - we could stay- we could someday buy a place or move out of the city, but there would be cost. there would be limited flexibility. one of us said if we stayed it would be a lot harder to move to africa. we knew that choice would lead us in a certain direction. not a bad direction, but a direction that would be different than if we made another choice. we knew it would discourage a move to uganda and we knew where our hearts were. we knew that while now wasn't the time, east africa was hopefully in our future. we're not good planners, but we are good at listening to the stirrings. we never had 'a plan', but we know our priorities.
when we decided to home school zoe- for me to basically leave the academic medicine track- we knew it was letting go of some things- we also knew it was embracing other things. the great shift. the change in focus. i wrote in my journal - ' is this getting us closer to uganda?' in an almost subconscious way. like if we drilled to find water for a well, we'd be closer now. a choice, made for the right reasons, for zoe, hard as it was - but aware of the possibility of it leading somewhere else. and it has.
but it goes the other direction too. because i could spend my whole life with my identity, my purpose wrapped up in having a child with special needs. she, her issues, could become my "M.O"(modus operandi). i found this happening (as many of you know) especially when i was her mother and her teacher and her friend and my hours and her hours were the same, and my work was working with her, and my view of the world became small and limited. it became an intense and detailed focus, and it was about right and wrong ways, and my control was key to the success or failure, and her happiness and my happiness was dependent on me. and it was kind of awful. overwhelming and i would even say, wrong.
when we decided almost a year ago, to move to uganda- the focus shifted and i stepped way back. i began to remember that we are one small family in a great big world. that she is one girl with some needs, in a very needy world. that i am one person who is, yes, her mother, but also a person with other skills and gifts. that in the grand scheme of things, we are really small, our problems pale in comparison to most of the worlds problems and looking out at the rest of it all gives a beautiful and freeing perspective. that God doesn't call us to 'easy'. he doesn't say- just get comfortable and relax. He doesn't give us one challenge per lifetime. He calls us to 'do'. to love, to serve, to make it better, to get dirty, to ask hard questions, to lean on Him, to let His grace be sufficient. it took me being broken by it, to lean into that grace. and relinquishing that control brings peace, unclenching my fists, frees my hands. that turning away from myself- opens me to give out of that grace.
i'm still understanding it backwards.
there is a lot on my mind today. about our movement, our choice of motion, our need to not settle in, our need to push, to be in near constant challenge. it's a funny combination of a natural process and one we also repeatedly question, mike perhaps more than me. he'll say, ' do you ever wonder why we can't just have a challenge-less season?' or 'why can't we just live our lives?' i kind of know what he means. we're always stepping into something else- pushing the boundary-just when we get to a place where things are more comfortable. but does God ask us to be comfortable? i think not. He asks us to follow him- even when it's uncomfortable- even if it's knowingly uncomfortable. so, why are we surprised. i also think that when you step into it- you keep going. one choice leads to another choice, you move closer to one place and farther from another. you go with that nudge- whatever you chose to allow yourself to be nudged by. so i've been looking back at our decisions, at our nudgings.
i remember when we moved to san francisco. we loved it. if there ever was a 'spirit city' that would be it for us. when we landed there before i started residency- i looked around at the wild calla lilies and the quick growing lemon trees' in our neighbors yard and that strong earthy smell of eucalyptus and knew that as foreign as it was- i'd found my home- my past life home. i remember thinking- we'll never leave.
when i finished residency and fellowship, i had a job as faculty at UCSF and mike was well employed as an architect. we had a third baby on the way. we had great friends and a great church and a small but great apartment. we had good doctors, and zoe was well plugged into the san francisco public school special ed world. we sat in the little breakfast 'nook' and talked about our future. we knew we could 'make it' out there - we could stay- we could someday buy a place or move out of the city, but there would be cost. there would be limited flexibility. one of us said if we stayed it would be a lot harder to move to africa. we knew that choice would lead us in a certain direction. not a bad direction, but a direction that would be different than if we made another choice. we knew it would discourage a move to uganda and we knew where our hearts were. we knew that while now wasn't the time, east africa was hopefully in our future. we're not good planners, but we are good at listening to the stirrings. we never had 'a plan', but we know our priorities.
when we decided to home school zoe- for me to basically leave the academic medicine track- we knew it was letting go of some things- we also knew it was embracing other things. the great shift. the change in focus. i wrote in my journal - ' is this getting us closer to uganda?' in an almost subconscious way. like if we drilled to find water for a well, we'd be closer now. a choice, made for the right reasons, for zoe, hard as it was - but aware of the possibility of it leading somewhere else. and it has.
but it goes the other direction too. because i could spend my whole life with my identity, my purpose wrapped up in having a child with special needs. she, her issues, could become my "M.O"(modus operandi). i found this happening (as many of you know) especially when i was her mother and her teacher and her friend and my hours and her hours were the same, and my work was working with her, and my view of the world became small and limited. it became an intense and detailed focus, and it was about right and wrong ways, and my control was key to the success or failure, and her happiness and my happiness was dependent on me. and it was kind of awful. overwhelming and i would even say, wrong.
when we decided almost a year ago, to move to uganda- the focus shifted and i stepped way back. i began to remember that we are one small family in a great big world. that she is one girl with some needs, in a very needy world. that i am one person who is, yes, her mother, but also a person with other skills and gifts. that in the grand scheme of things, we are really small, our problems pale in comparison to most of the worlds problems and looking out at the rest of it all gives a beautiful and freeing perspective. that God doesn't call us to 'easy'. he doesn't say- just get comfortable and relax. He doesn't give us one challenge per lifetime. He calls us to 'do'. to love, to serve, to make it better, to get dirty, to ask hard questions, to lean on Him, to let His grace be sufficient. it took me being broken by it, to lean into that grace. and relinquishing that control brings peace, unclenching my fists, frees my hands. that turning away from myself- opens me to give out of that grace.
i'm still understanding it backwards.
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