i'm really good at praising God when things are going well. i'm really good at saying "God is good!" when the answer is 'yes'. i'm not so good at those things when the answer is no. especially when it feels like i'm sitting in a season of 'no's'.
the "no" this week was the answer to getting a visa for rose to come to america this summer. the little man behind the glass wall with the semi-circle cut out to hear each other- said 'no'. followed by "i'm sorry - this time, the answer is no."
i'd love to say that i graciously smiled and accepted his answer. but i didn't. i did refrain from reaching into the semi-circle cut out and throttling him- but i began to beg. "we haven't been home in 2 years! we went before and we came back! we have a special needs child who needs testing before september!"
"i recommend you finish the adoption and apply for an immigration visa." is what he said.
really?? REALLY? yeah i recommend that too but for the LOVE OF GOD that hasn't exactly been working either!!! i wanted to ask him when the last time he'd seen his family was. i wanted to ask him how old his parents were. if his sister was expecting a baby. if he had a special needs 17 year old who needed to be assessed before 18. i wanted to ask if he'd ever tried to "finish an adoption". i wanted to ask when the last time his family couldn't travel together was. when the last time that he had to leave a child on the other side of the world so other children could see their grandparents. i wanted to scream and swear (truth be told). i wanted to shout - "you are NOT sorry! you have the ability to not have to say you're sorry- but you are choosing to say "no" and "i'm sorry." 'no' i will have to handle- but i will not except that you are sorry."
it was only 8 am.
the rest of our lives flashed before my eyes.
years of stuck. years of no. years of living here in this place that i sometimes love and sometimes can't believe exists. our post-apocalyptic nightmare. where they run out of butter and don't know how to use a level but have fancy cellphones. i was my worst self.
i was mad at the little man behind the counter who looked like weinerslave from 30 rock but i was also mad at God.
God who could have said 'yes'. God who knows how tired i am, and how much i needed this summer in the USA. God who promises and follows through. God who knows best. and... then my little tirade began to fall apart.
because God does know all these things and His promises are real. i've spent years learning and re-learning that His way usually doesn't look like my way but His way is better. always. so i started to remember. i could hear jude outside playing and i remembered submitting to what felt like an impossible situation- only to watch God shine. i remembered the countless times i haven't submitted but rather pushed my own agenda, tried to meet my own needs my way, and how i've suffered at the hand of my own grubby little hands. so i started thinking about needs and whether or not i even know my own needs or only think i do.
it really felt like a need to go back to the US this summer. but that is my answer to a need or many needs- that really isn't the need. so instead of asking God why? and why not? i started asking myself what i feel i need. what feels like it's lacking. what inside is hurting. what inside got so angry at the "no". i tried to ask in a gentle way- a curious way- a compassionate way, not a judgmental or condemning way.
it turns out my little small self did need some tending. someone to listen (someone being me). i heard things like- i'm so tired. friends keep leaving and i'm lonely. life here is hard. what if we never finish the adoption. i miss the ocean and covered parking. i miss my family. i feel guilty for leaving family and friends for such long periods of time. and those things i knew. so i waited. and the greater fears came out. what if i'm messing up my kids being over here? i want a pattern- i want normal- i want to be able to have a routine of going home each summer- i want something i can count on- dependability- i want to know the future of what will happen with rose, and zoe- and even with me.
that was the big one at the bottom- i feel like i have no control- like my life is a greased watermelon and i can't pick it up.
so God showed up- as He does- probably because many people were asking Him to on our behalf. and He said the same things He says and has been saying. I am in control. I am dependable. you can count on Me. I know these deep desires of your heart. I made you. I made your kids. I've got this. let's together help your little self to know that she can rest in Me. lean on Me. do you trust Me?
and the answer is "yes". "yes i trust You." because You are trustworthy.
some of these things just need to be felt and grieved and going to america isn't going to do that for me- some of these things just need to be lived through. and some of these needs can be met in different ways - more respite. and what is in the ocean? sand and water and spaciousness and perspective- can i find those things here? can i make space in my life to breathe better? can i accept that yes- ultimately i don't have a lot of control?
i'm left with a lot of questions- but questions that start with 'yes' and hope. questions i can ask myself while leaning on Him who gives life and breathe and oceans and summer, who knows what it feels like to wear skin and be lonely, who also made choices that limited His control, who knows me and has known me and longs to give me the true desires of my heart- the ones underneath that i can't even see. He wants to give answers that satisfy long after the summer ends. He wants to draw me closer to Him and grow me in the questions. growth that couldn't happen if the man behind the counter said "yes".
the "no" this week was the answer to getting a visa for rose to come to america this summer. the little man behind the glass wall with the semi-circle cut out to hear each other- said 'no'. followed by "i'm sorry - this time, the answer is no."
i'd love to say that i graciously smiled and accepted his answer. but i didn't. i did refrain from reaching into the semi-circle cut out and throttling him- but i began to beg. "we haven't been home in 2 years! we went before and we came back! we have a special needs child who needs testing before september!"
"i recommend you finish the adoption and apply for an immigration visa." is what he said.
really?? REALLY? yeah i recommend that too but for the LOVE OF GOD that hasn't exactly been working either!!! i wanted to ask him when the last time he'd seen his family was. i wanted to ask him how old his parents were. if his sister was expecting a baby. if he had a special needs 17 year old who needed to be assessed before 18. i wanted to ask if he'd ever tried to "finish an adoption". i wanted to ask when the last time his family couldn't travel together was. when the last time that he had to leave a child on the other side of the world so other children could see their grandparents. i wanted to scream and swear (truth be told). i wanted to shout - "you are NOT sorry! you have the ability to not have to say you're sorry- but you are choosing to say "no" and "i'm sorry." 'no' i will have to handle- but i will not except that you are sorry."
it was only 8 am.
the rest of our lives flashed before my eyes.
years of stuck. years of no. years of living here in this place that i sometimes love and sometimes can't believe exists. our post-apocalyptic nightmare. where they run out of butter and don't know how to use a level but have fancy cellphones. i was my worst self.
i was mad at the little man behind the counter who looked like weinerslave from 30 rock but i was also mad at God.
God who could have said 'yes'. God who knows how tired i am, and how much i needed this summer in the USA. God who promises and follows through. God who knows best. and... then my little tirade began to fall apart.
because God does know all these things and His promises are real. i've spent years learning and re-learning that His way usually doesn't look like my way but His way is better. always. so i started to remember. i could hear jude outside playing and i remembered submitting to what felt like an impossible situation- only to watch God shine. i remembered the countless times i haven't submitted but rather pushed my own agenda, tried to meet my own needs my way, and how i've suffered at the hand of my own grubby little hands. so i started thinking about needs and whether or not i even know my own needs or only think i do.
it really felt like a need to go back to the US this summer. but that is my answer to a need or many needs- that really isn't the need. so instead of asking God why? and why not? i started asking myself what i feel i need. what feels like it's lacking. what inside is hurting. what inside got so angry at the "no". i tried to ask in a gentle way- a curious way- a compassionate way, not a judgmental or condemning way.
it turns out my little small self did need some tending. someone to listen (someone being me). i heard things like- i'm so tired. friends keep leaving and i'm lonely. life here is hard. what if we never finish the adoption. i miss the ocean and covered parking. i miss my family. i feel guilty for leaving family and friends for such long periods of time. and those things i knew. so i waited. and the greater fears came out. what if i'm messing up my kids being over here? i want a pattern- i want normal- i want to be able to have a routine of going home each summer- i want something i can count on- dependability- i want to know the future of what will happen with rose, and zoe- and even with me.
that was the big one at the bottom- i feel like i have no control- like my life is a greased watermelon and i can't pick it up.
so God showed up- as He does- probably because many people were asking Him to on our behalf. and He said the same things He says and has been saying. I am in control. I am dependable. you can count on Me. I know these deep desires of your heart. I made you. I made your kids. I've got this. let's together help your little self to know that she can rest in Me. lean on Me. do you trust Me?
and the answer is "yes". "yes i trust You." because You are trustworthy.
some of these things just need to be felt and grieved and going to america isn't going to do that for me- some of these things just need to be lived through. and some of these needs can be met in different ways - more respite. and what is in the ocean? sand and water and spaciousness and perspective- can i find those things here? can i make space in my life to breathe better? can i accept that yes- ultimately i don't have a lot of control?
i'm left with a lot of questions- but questions that start with 'yes' and hope. questions i can ask myself while leaning on Him who gives life and breathe and oceans and summer, who knows what it feels like to wear skin and be lonely, who also made choices that limited His control, who knows me and has known me and longs to give me the true desires of my heart- the ones underneath that i can't even see. He wants to give answers that satisfy long after the summer ends. He wants to draw me closer to Him and grow me in the questions. growth that couldn't happen if the man behind the counter said "yes".
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