deepest oceans

today is the first sunday in advent. my favorite season. i love the celebrations on earth, but i'm mostly blown away by the divine. the entrance- the union of God and humanity- it changes everything. i could throw out most of religion and just hold onto the mystery of God becoming one of us and remaining Himself. that deep love and humility and sacrifice out of a desire to Know us from our perspective is astounding. but i still forget- even today- the first sunday of advent.

it wasn't even that big of a deal. it was just that it was the same deal. zoe yelling about having to get dressed. zoe yelling at people for "bossing her" when they reminded her to get dressed. her weekly argument over going to church. little things. little things that add up. i had had it. i decided instead of venting to mike, i would tell God my real thoughts on the matter (as if He doesn't know). and it was like that scene in the apostle, when robert duvall goes off on God. yes, that was me in the bathroom this morning.

i told God, out loud, that i was pissed and that i was pretty sure i'd learned everything out there that there was to learn from having a child like this so could He please 'fix' zoe. (i may have even said 'fix') i told Him that i didn't have what was needed in this situation. i told Him that now it's affecting the other kids and they're done too. i told Him that we have had enough and that i don't feel like He's doing His part to show up. He kept interrupting me with things like, 'do you trust me?' and i would say 'well yes, but back to what i was saying about being exhausted...' i think after a few minutes He stopped saying anything because He knew that i wasn't listening. i was ranting.

my mother had told me long ago that it's okay to be mad at God because He can take it. but i still felt out of line so i asked for forgiveness and we went to church. 

i sat in my plastic chair and the singing began and the sky was dark, and the wind was cool and noisy, and God began to speak again because He knew that now i was listening. He spoke straight through the 20 minutes of music- as if it were just Him and me on this advent sunday - because that is what advent is all about- God caring That much about me. and That much about you.

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace

these days i feel that i'm treading water in the deepest ocean. that i'm way beyond the shore.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

these days i feel that i'm treading water with no idea which way is land. direction-less.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

You will guide me with Your hand- will i take it? have i been looking for your hand? or only looking for the shore?

and that is true- You have never failed.

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shores into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises you've made  - bethel music

these days i am afraid- (it usually hides beneath anger). these days i don't feel brave.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Oh, Jesus, you're my God!    - hillsong

not just stop treading water. not just know the direction and swim. but walk upon the waters. the waters i've been called into. deeper than my feet could ever wander. to places i've never intended to go. places i'd like to run away from. but here i am. i have been called out beyond the shore. that is life with zoe. i have been called out onto the waters. and today i called out God's name- to keep my eyes above the waves.

and standing beside my plastic chair with a room full of people and me and God, with that beautiful image of God's hand reaching down and picking up my treading self and making me brave enough to walk on that water, i held His hand fixed my eyes on Jesus, and i cried. 

i cried tears of awe and wonder on this first advent sunday. because it's so much bigger than His coming. that is just the beginning. it's His knowing me. His picking me up over and over again. His not tiring of me. His holding my hand. His making me brave. 

brave in the deepest of oceans.