last night we booked our tickets home. well, home for a visit. i know i should be happy, i should be thrilled, but i'm sad. i'm sad because it's not how i'd envisioned it. it isn't going to match my expectation. it's a pieced together third best option, but it is going home.
this is what i wanted....
i wanted us to all go back together, all six of us in a big pack. i wanted to have those moments of re-entry together. i wanted to see the kids faces when they first see their grandparents, and their cousins and their old house, and a supermarket. i wanted us to eat our first ben and jerry's ice cream cone together. i wanted to hear their first impressions of being back in the place that grew them.
i wanted to bring rosie for everyone to meet. i wanted to go back as the family that we've become, whole and real.
this is what we've got....
mike and the three big kids leave july 1st, and i stay with rosie until july 20th. that's right, i miss the first 20 days of my kids re-experiencing america. i will be away from them all for 20 days. that seems like lifetimes. then i go and i leave rosie here in uganda, in our house, with our nanny, and dog and cat and various nearby neighbors and friends, for 16 days, until mike and the big kids come back. that seems like lifetimes. then i stay in america kid-less for another two weeks. i will be away from mike on our 20 year wedding anniversary. i will be away from zoe starting at a new school (hopefully). i will in fact, miss most of my kids summer vacation.
but.
sometimes you have to just make do with what you can. sometimes third best is what you need to be thankful for. sometimes things are messy and don't work out as you'd imagined. sometimes real isn't as whole as you'd like it to be.
i almost cried when i clicked "accept" on the KLM sight. mike told me i needed to let it go. that all would be fine. that people all over the world leave their kids for long periods of time with relatives. that this is what we'd signed up for. he said this is our new normal, or it might be for a while as we wait for pieces with rosie to come together. he said it's better than not going home at all. he said i should look at it differently- as time for regrouping, for retreat, for renewal.
so i will. i will wrap my mind around this new normal. i will let go of my ideal reentry plan. i will be happy that we get to go home, happy that we get to have rosie in our family, happy that i'll get to see my dad here in july and fly home with him. and i will look forward to eating my first ben and jerry's cone with my already acclimated kids. and i will embrace my time alone with rose. and i will embrace my time alone in the US. i will turn it into beautiful.
but.
(i will still pray like crazy that something will happen and the courts will grant us guardianship and we will magically all get on that plane together- the six of us- real and whole).
this is what i wanted....
i wanted us to all go back together, all six of us in a big pack. i wanted to have those moments of re-entry together. i wanted to see the kids faces when they first see their grandparents, and their cousins and their old house, and a supermarket. i wanted us to eat our first ben and jerry's ice cream cone together. i wanted to hear their first impressions of being back in the place that grew them.
i wanted to bring rosie for everyone to meet. i wanted to go back as the family that we've become, whole and real.
this is what we've got....
mike and the three big kids leave july 1st, and i stay with rosie until july 20th. that's right, i miss the first 20 days of my kids re-experiencing america. i will be away from them all for 20 days. that seems like lifetimes. then i go and i leave rosie here in uganda, in our house, with our nanny, and dog and cat and various nearby neighbors and friends, for 16 days, until mike and the big kids come back. that seems like lifetimes. then i stay in america kid-less for another two weeks. i will be away from mike on our 20 year wedding anniversary. i will be away from zoe starting at a new school (hopefully). i will in fact, miss most of my kids summer vacation.
but.
sometimes you have to just make do with what you can. sometimes third best is what you need to be thankful for. sometimes things are messy and don't work out as you'd imagined. sometimes real isn't as whole as you'd like it to be.
i almost cried when i clicked "accept" on the KLM sight. mike told me i needed to let it go. that all would be fine. that people all over the world leave their kids for long periods of time with relatives. that this is what we'd signed up for. he said this is our new normal, or it might be for a while as we wait for pieces with rosie to come together. he said it's better than not going home at all. he said i should look at it differently- as time for regrouping, for retreat, for renewal.
so i will. i will wrap my mind around this new normal. i will let go of my ideal reentry plan. i will be happy that we get to go home, happy that we get to have rosie in our family, happy that i'll get to see my dad here in july and fly home with him. and i will look forward to eating my first ben and jerry's cone with my already acclimated kids. and i will embrace my time alone with rose. and i will embrace my time alone in the US. i will turn it into beautiful.
but.
(i will still pray like crazy that something will happen and the courts will grant us guardianship and we will magically all get on that plane together- the six of us- real and whole).
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