on being still....again

today is cool and cloudy and rainy and kind of sad and lonely too in that way that days like this can be.

i haven't been being still enough lately, or maybe even at all.

the other night at bedtime i was singing "be still" by the fray.  bryn asked what it means, why God wants us to be still, what if the right thing to do is to move, he said.  i explained that it's about being still in our heart and our mind.  that we are invited and asked to be still, to rest, to know that "I am God." that we don't need to be worried or anxious or stressed or disturbed because it's part of a plan, because God knows, and cares, and loves.

bryn likes to move. he moves in about 4 directions just to go forward, he has energy and motion.  he couldn't unlink being still physically with being still mentally. so i asked him when does he feel most disturbed in his heart or his mind? he told me walking up the banana path if he hears a rustling in the grass, he worries it could be a snake and so he runs.  so why would God want me to be still he asked.  i told him God would be fine with him running,  but if he worries about that snake all the time, even when not on the banana path, then God would want him to still his mind and his heart and not be disturbed.

there are many things that disturb me when i'm not on the banana path, but i think i've just been running.  i think i've mixed them up too. instead of trusting and quieting and waiting and listening- i've just been going and going and going.  and now, i'm tired.

i was thinking about the story of the prodigal son, a metaphor for how God loves us.  i was thinking about that father.  he let his son go, take all of his portion of the inheritance and go, and then what? he waited.  and maybe he was disturbed a lot.  and maybe his mind was often full of worry and stress, but he stayed still.  he didn't go out searching hi and low for his wayward son.  he didn't leave his life.  he was still.  he allowed his son the process and the time he needed.  he forced himself to resist the urge to move and find and rescue. and i think this is how God loves us.  He allows us to wander off, to leave and reject and run and then realize what we've left and come home.  He holds himself back and waits eagerly.  He models stillness.

i wonder if this is also a metaphor for how we are to love each other, and even ourselves?

patiently, waiting, allowing, letting go, not always moving to fix, not always moving to help, not wearing ourselves out in doing and going, but being still, quieting the mind and the heart.  living out of that trust and not out of our fear.

running up that banana path is an appropriate reaction to fear. but worrying and stressing about those potential dangers when not even outside, and then running, that is not what we are called into.  for me, being still is the. hardest. thing.  i am so easily fooled into thinking that my actions, my moving, my trying, my talking, my fixing, my going will make me feel better.  i am bad at letting go.  i am bad at practicing patience.  i am bad at trusting in time and process.  i like quick resolve.  i, like bryn, have a hard time separating physical stillness from mental and spiritual stillness. 

maybe sometimes i need to practice physical stillness to teach myself spiritual stillness.  maybe by limiting my movement, i will help myself limit my mental movement too.  maybe by saying no, by allowing others to move for themselves, i will rejuvenate and rest into a new season.

maybe.