sometimes i forget how brave zoe is. sometimes i don't recognize her unbelievable courage. i don't acknowledge the challenges she must face all day, everyday. i take for granted that she makes the hard choice to face what she could avoid, what many people would choose to avoid, what i would probably choose to avoid.
last night was a birthday party camping sleepover for one of her classmates. it was the whole class, all 20 something of them. it was the whole night and the next morning. it was a full plate of social dynamics to contend with. it was an opportunity for rejection, and feelings of less than, and not fitting in with nowhere to retreat, no home to run back to. but that is not how zoe looked at it. she saw it for the fun it could be, for the opportunity, for the potential of acceptance, and being included. she saw it as a chance to be with friends and classmates.
we arrived and mike helped set up tents and i spoke with the moms, dropped off her gluten/dairy free food, and i left my number just in case. when we got in the car, mike said it was hard to watch zoe during those minutes, as she tried to engage the clique of girls, only to be turned away.
ouch. it is hard. i know this. i've watched it for years. it used to give me a sore spot inside, a sour taste in my mouth. a pang. but over the years something has changed. i see her struggle socially yes, but i also see her victories. i see her incredible bravery for facing it. for wanting to go to school. for choosing to go to all the parties. for not wanting to miss out on what must be very hard for her to manage. because she could.
she could easily choose to stay home and play with her littlest pet shop pets, where she has full control. where it's safe. where no one is going to leave her out or tease her or run away. she could live in her little world with out risk or fear or rejection. but she doesn't.
she faces the music, she weathers her storms, again, and again, and again.
when i went to pick her up today, i asked my friend, the host of the party, how it had gone.
"well.." she said, "it was hard for zoe. she kept trying to be with the clique of girls, but they kept leaving her." and my friend was really sad. she could feel how hard it must be for zo. she could understand as all parents can when they open their eyes to it, how tough it is when your kid is the one who is different. how hard rejection is, how painful social failure is.
'i know.' i said, 'it is hard. but look at her bravery! look at how she stays and doesn't run away, doesn't call to be rescued. look at how she finds her way, despite. she is incredible!'
and she really is. we all got in the car, and zoe said she's had a great time and the party was really fun. a few hours later, she mentioned that she may have 'annoyed' some people but that it turned out okay in the end.
the whole thing gave me pause. the whole event helped me to step back and see the 30,000 foot view. to see what matters, to see her victory in perseverance. to see how in the things that really matter, she does try, and she tries hard! so maybe i can be more gentle when she doesn't try as hard with hair washing and homework, because she is working so hard on finding her way in the massively confusing world of pre-teen girls. maybe i can cut her some slack for talking with her mouth full, because she gets up everyday enthusiastically to face 7 hours of hard work reading the social cues that come naturally to everyone else.
yes this girl is brave, and strong. she is much stronger and much braver than i.
last night was a birthday party camping sleepover for one of her classmates. it was the whole class, all 20 something of them. it was the whole night and the next morning. it was a full plate of social dynamics to contend with. it was an opportunity for rejection, and feelings of less than, and not fitting in with nowhere to retreat, no home to run back to. but that is not how zoe looked at it. she saw it for the fun it could be, for the opportunity, for the potential of acceptance, and being included. she saw it as a chance to be with friends and classmates.
we arrived and mike helped set up tents and i spoke with the moms, dropped off her gluten/dairy free food, and i left my number just in case. when we got in the car, mike said it was hard to watch zoe during those minutes, as she tried to engage the clique of girls, only to be turned away.
ouch. it is hard. i know this. i've watched it for years. it used to give me a sore spot inside, a sour taste in my mouth. a pang. but over the years something has changed. i see her struggle socially yes, but i also see her victories. i see her incredible bravery for facing it. for wanting to go to school. for choosing to go to all the parties. for not wanting to miss out on what must be very hard for her to manage. because she could.
she could easily choose to stay home and play with her littlest pet shop pets, where she has full control. where it's safe. where no one is going to leave her out or tease her or run away. she could live in her little world with out risk or fear or rejection. but she doesn't.
she faces the music, she weathers her storms, again, and again, and again.
when i went to pick her up today, i asked my friend, the host of the party, how it had gone.
"well.." she said, "it was hard for zoe. she kept trying to be with the clique of girls, but they kept leaving her." and my friend was really sad. she could feel how hard it must be for zo. she could understand as all parents can when they open their eyes to it, how tough it is when your kid is the one who is different. how hard rejection is, how painful social failure is.
'i know.' i said, 'it is hard. but look at her bravery! look at how she stays and doesn't run away, doesn't call to be rescued. look at how she finds her way, despite. she is incredible!'
and she really is. we all got in the car, and zoe said she's had a great time and the party was really fun. a few hours later, she mentioned that she may have 'annoyed' some people but that it turned out okay in the end.
the whole thing gave me pause. the whole event helped me to step back and see the 30,000 foot view. to see what matters, to see her victory in perseverance. to see how in the things that really matter, she does try, and she tries hard! so maybe i can be more gentle when she doesn't try as hard with hair washing and homework, because she is working so hard on finding her way in the massively confusing world of pre-teen girls. maybe i can cut her some slack for talking with her mouth full, because she gets up everyday enthusiastically to face 7 hours of hard work reading the social cues that come naturally to everyone else.
yes this girl is brave, and strong. she is much stronger and much braver than i.
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