i didn't sign up for goodbye

it was a day of hellos and goodbyes.
the arrival of my dad.  and the boys last day of school. 

it was also a day when mike and i said out loud what we both feel quietly inside- that our life these days can seem overwhelming.  that the ambiguity around rosie's exact place in our lives is tremendously stressful, that it's hard on all six of us to live in the limbo of who we all are to each other.  are we preparing to be real true forever siblings, parents and child, family of six? or are we forever fostering someone? the up-in-the-air-ness, the unknown-ness is an added complication that we didn't expect could be so hard.

it was a day when i was called by the woman who took care of her at the orphanage for 7 months, then i turned around and bumped into our lawyer in the coffee shop, a day when we realized that for all involved we need some resolve- we need clearer boundaries- we need cultural sensitivity to go both ways- we need respect and also decision. it was a day when the thought of deeper hello's or some form of goodbyes - felt needed but also enormous and scary.

i wasn't prepared for a life of goodbyes.  i'm bad at them.  don't like them.  i avoid them- internally and externally.  when we moved to uganda- we had a lot of goodbyes.  i geared up, toughened up, faced the music and did the best i could- but i still said a lot of cushiony things like- "oh, i'll see you soon!" or even, "i'm sure i'll see you one more time before we go." when i usually didn't.

once we got on that plane- i figured i was done with goodbyes.  that i'd moved into a season of 'hello's'.  how wrong i was.  the life of the expat is full of loss, and leaving, and being left and saying goodbye.  but i didn't sign up for goodbye.  and it sneaks up on you.

after our long morning of coffee and intense life discussions, with the ironic near constant interruptions by rose and zoe, we went to the end of the year assembly at the boys international school.

let me just say i was not prepared.  i was expecting light and breezy and i got heavy and torrential. because they all get it.  they know the importance of goodbye.  of ceremony.  of saying it out loud, processing it, acknowledging it,  and hugging that elephant in the room- of endings- grieving- bidding farewell.

it started with a song and it ended with a song.
it started with 'one more step' by sydney carter.

One more step along the world I go,
one more step along the world I go;
from the old things to the new
keep me traveling along with you
 
Give me courage when the world is rough,
keep me loving though the world is tough;
leap and sing in all I do,
keep me traveling along with you





oh dear.
i could feel that full and painful feeling of mounting tears. because the world felt rough and tough and i needed courage.  i wanted to keep loving and leaping and singing and traveling. i wanted to be full and not broken by it all.  all the life of life.  all the 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'.  with all the clarity and confusion and subtext.
i sat listening to it- holding rosie on my lap- surrounded by my 11 month old community- and my 3 month new sort of child, while zoe, who will be joining this group in a few months, who i've known for lifetimes, sat in the bunny pen on the other side of the wall, playing with her furry friends, knowing in her heart that this was about more goodbyes, as last days always are, and knowing she's had enough of that. 

i bit my lip.


but then came the last song- the song that undid me.  the song called 'sing' by gary barlow and andrew lloyd webber.  and even though i'm not leaving, even though my kids will be back in a few months, it was the sum total of all the goodbyes that i never expected here- it was ongoing sense of homelessness- and the transience of life.

Some words they can’t be spoken only sung.

So hear a thousand voices shouting loud

There’s a place, there is time in this life

When you sing what you are feeling

Find your feet

Stand your ground

Don’t you see right now the world is listening to what we say.

Sing it louder and sing it clearer

Knowing everyone will hear you

Make some noise,

 find your voice tonight

Sing it stronger,

Sing together,

Make this moment last forever, old and young shouting out tonight

 

We’ve had a lifetime to wait

And see a thousand faces stand afraid

You are hope

You are light

Know it wasn’t always easy

Stood your ground

Kept your faith

Don't you see right now the world is listening to what we say

Sing it louder and sing it clearer

Knowing everyone will hear you

Make some noise,

 find your voice tonight

Sing it stronger,

Sing together,

Make this moment last forever, old and young shouting out tonight

Some words  can not be spoken only sung.

To hear a thousand voices shouting out.

And on and on.

Just sing

Just sing

Just sing

and i wanted to sing, to just sing.  but i couldn't because i couldn't stop crying- and neither could this new community around me- all of us, those staying, those going, those who've been saying many more goodbyes for many more years than i have, all of us undone.  because it's hard and poignant and deep, as soul stuff always is. 

because some words are too hard to speak, or too hard to speak over and over.  sometimes they are just said better when they aren't just words- but when they are strengthened by notes, and tones, and the sounds that speak more, that reach deeper, that the limits of our words. 

some things need to be sung.  things that hold both the beauty and the sorrow in life- the hellos and goodbyes of life.

today needed to be sung.