so this is day 2 of the conference- which is 10 days long. and i'm doing what i do best- or did best in college - playing hooky. actually, it's not really playing hooky- it's a well planned tactic about maximal absorption. something i became aware of too late in life- but i hold on to tightly. i have a limited attention span. i can sit still and listen, or read, and absorb information for about 3 hours and then i'm done. i might after a very long break be able to take in a little more, but not much, and usually not at all. in fact, after 3 and a half hours- i will actually start forgetting what i've learned- which explains a lot of my trouble in the first 2 years of medical school. anyway- this is my break- and fortunately this afternoon i'm giving the talk so i don't need to enter any new information.
i came to this conference for several reasons: to
a) get CME credit
b) see my dad
c) return to kenya
d) actually learn something about practicing medicine in africa
e) gain some discernment about what i'm supposed to DO exactly in africa as a doctor
f) escape listening to whining and doing dishes for 10 days.
my biggest goal was (e)- discernment. i hoped that by listening to people who have been doctors in africa for years and years- i'd sort out how i can make the biggest impact- what i can do that will really help - how i can use my gifts better to serve people- what will make me happy- have job satisfaction and not burn out.
but.
i'm beginning to see how completely inside out that is. because what i'm learning isn't about DOing- it's about BEing. i'm learning that it isn't about MY impact, or My help, or My gifts, or My happiness. at. all.
i'm bad at beating around the bush- so here is what's really going on- and yes- it's about God. in fact- it's all about God and only about God. what i'm learning, or being reminded of, is how off track i am. these two days have been about refocusing the lens with which i see the world and myself and the relationship between me and the world. i'll try to explain- you might want to listen, just in case you do the same things.
in addition to playing hooky, i'm also really good at worrying, obsessing, exaggerating, stressing and sometimes, panicking. i can go from zero to eleven - quickly. the thing is, most of those verbs ending in 'ing' are all about me- about me failing. failing as a parent and destroying my children, failing as a doctor and causing blindness or death, failing as a missionary doctor and disappointing my senders- people who have sacrificed for me to be here to help people. what do all these things have in common? it all boils down to fear and self focus- neither of which are good- they're not enjoyable nor are they healthy, nor are they beneficial. fear and self focus actually get in the way of being effective and happy.
my new years resolution was/ is lowering the expectations- and that means of even myself. many of us are raised in a culture that asks us to aim high- to reach for more- to strive- to push- to achieve. these things are good- really- they are. but. here are some things i'm learning or remembering, they are simple, but true.
God loves everybody. God loves everybody the same. even if they mess up and never meet their expectations or goals. even if they can't sit still, or forget information after 4 hours. even if they are really poor, or really rich, or gay, or straight and judging people who aren't. even people who believe differently, even if they do the things we hate, even if they don't say sorry. God loves everybody. the. same. wow. that changes things.
God also cares deeply about everybody. Her heart breaks for all the sadness that we have, for the loneliness, for the meanness and the selfishness and the fear. and i don't know why bad things happen. i don't know why there is pain, and sickness, and abuse and violence. but i know that God feels that sorrow even more than we do.
and thankfully, God chooses messes- well, people who are messes. i think because when we are broken- badly broken- we are no longer trying to DO everything ourselves- or FIX things. when we are broken, we are humbled- we are soft and mushy and open and not so sure of ourselves anymore. when you're all stripped down- or when you lose everything, or the person who means the most to you; or the way you thought your life would be isn't the way it is, then you begin to let go- to begin again. then you are open. then it becomes not about you- and you sometimes find you're not even afraid anymore and that is when the soil is fertile. God reaches down, there is grace. out of that mess can come pure beauty. out of that broken comes truth, honesty, transparency, vulnerability- and out of those things is connection. and connection is the heart of God.
what i'm learning from these doctors who have been doing medicine in africa for years and years- is that i'm not that special, or unique, that it's not about me, it's about God. a great God who loves me and the world and wants me to know Her, to be patient and gentle with Her creation, and that includes even me. i'm learning that i do know how to think about medicine and sickness - i do know what to do, or where to go if i don't- so i don't need to fear these things. i don't need to worry and obsess about my effectiveness as a parent or a doctor or a volunteer. i need to let go of the 'ings' and embrace the 'tions'- connection, redemption, and perhaps most importantly transformation. i need to stay soft and open and humble and even a bit broken. then the world might begin to shake a little- then a difference might be made.
this week is about, again, stillness and grace.
"man is born broken, he lives by mending, the Grace of God is the glue.' - eugene o'neill
i came to this conference for several reasons: to
a) get CME credit
b) see my dad
c) return to kenya
d) actually learn something about practicing medicine in africa
e) gain some discernment about what i'm supposed to DO exactly in africa as a doctor
f) escape listening to whining and doing dishes for 10 days.
my biggest goal was (e)- discernment. i hoped that by listening to people who have been doctors in africa for years and years- i'd sort out how i can make the biggest impact- what i can do that will really help - how i can use my gifts better to serve people- what will make me happy- have job satisfaction and not burn out.
but.
i'm beginning to see how completely inside out that is. because what i'm learning isn't about DOing- it's about BEing. i'm learning that it isn't about MY impact, or My help, or My gifts, or My happiness. at. all.
i'm bad at beating around the bush- so here is what's really going on- and yes- it's about God. in fact- it's all about God and only about God. what i'm learning, or being reminded of, is how off track i am. these two days have been about refocusing the lens with which i see the world and myself and the relationship between me and the world. i'll try to explain- you might want to listen, just in case you do the same things.
in addition to playing hooky, i'm also really good at worrying, obsessing, exaggerating, stressing and sometimes, panicking. i can go from zero to eleven - quickly. the thing is, most of those verbs ending in 'ing' are all about me- about me failing. failing as a parent and destroying my children, failing as a doctor and causing blindness or death, failing as a missionary doctor and disappointing my senders- people who have sacrificed for me to be here to help people. what do all these things have in common? it all boils down to fear and self focus- neither of which are good- they're not enjoyable nor are they healthy, nor are they beneficial. fear and self focus actually get in the way of being effective and happy.
my new years resolution was/ is lowering the expectations- and that means of even myself. many of us are raised in a culture that asks us to aim high- to reach for more- to strive- to push- to achieve. these things are good- really- they are. but. here are some things i'm learning or remembering, they are simple, but true.
God loves everybody. God loves everybody the same. even if they mess up and never meet their expectations or goals. even if they can't sit still, or forget information after 4 hours. even if they are really poor, or really rich, or gay, or straight and judging people who aren't. even people who believe differently, even if they do the things we hate, even if they don't say sorry. God loves everybody. the. same. wow. that changes things.
God also cares deeply about everybody. Her heart breaks for all the sadness that we have, for the loneliness, for the meanness and the selfishness and the fear. and i don't know why bad things happen. i don't know why there is pain, and sickness, and abuse and violence. but i know that God feels that sorrow even more than we do.
and thankfully, God chooses messes- well, people who are messes. i think because when we are broken- badly broken- we are no longer trying to DO everything ourselves- or FIX things. when we are broken, we are humbled- we are soft and mushy and open and not so sure of ourselves anymore. when you're all stripped down- or when you lose everything, or the person who means the most to you; or the way you thought your life would be isn't the way it is, then you begin to let go- to begin again. then you are open. then it becomes not about you- and you sometimes find you're not even afraid anymore and that is when the soil is fertile. God reaches down, there is grace. out of that mess can come pure beauty. out of that broken comes truth, honesty, transparency, vulnerability- and out of those things is connection. and connection is the heart of God.
what i'm learning from these doctors who have been doing medicine in africa for years and years- is that i'm not that special, or unique, that it's not about me, it's about God. a great God who loves me and the world and wants me to know Her, to be patient and gentle with Her creation, and that includes even me. i'm learning that i do know how to think about medicine and sickness - i do know what to do, or where to go if i don't- so i don't need to fear these things. i don't need to worry and obsess about my effectiveness as a parent or a doctor or a volunteer. i need to let go of the 'ings' and embrace the 'tions'- connection, redemption, and perhaps most importantly transformation. i need to stay soft and open and humble and even a bit broken. then the world might begin to shake a little- then a difference might be made.
this week is about, again, stillness and grace.
"man is born broken, he lives by mending, the Grace of God is the glue.' - eugene o'neill
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.