a moment

i'm accidentally homesick.
we started looking at old photos and videos of home.  i sat sandwiched on the couch between my boys and we laughed and giggled about their little voices on video a few years back.  we remembered old shirts and toys and places we'd gone, and friends, and our dog.  we remembered the things we'd left behind. 

then it was late and time for pajamas and teeth brushing. 
while i was pouring the clean water on his toothbrush, bryn looking sad said, "i wish we could go back and live in america."
"why honey?"
"i liked our old house better.  it was bigger and nicer and it had stairs."

for the first time i really saw it from his eyes, instead of my eyes looking at him. i could tell that looking back was hard.  his whole life had been in that one house, with his grandparents near by, and lots of nice things.  he didn't have to navigate his place in another culture.  he didn't need to speak 'ugandan english' or drive by poverty every day.  there was less that needed making sense of at age 4. 

i had a moment. 

i felt badly for him.  i felt guilty for pulling him from normal and plunking him down here.  i thought about what i could say to him, 'honey, i know it's hard, but mommy and daddy feel like this is a place with a great need that we can help with.' but that doesn't matter to a kid, and it really doesn't matter when you're feeling homesick.  'babe, think of all the fun things here! we've got monkeys in the trees!' the cheer up pep talk doesn't work either.  he needs to be allowed to miss it, he needs to be allowed to not like it here sometimes, he needs to be allowed to be mad that he's been plunked down here.

"honey it was hard to look at the pictures of our old house and our friends wasn't it?"
"yes"
"i know, it's hard for me too sometimes.  i miss it too."
"can you read us a story tonight mommy?"
"yes- that i can do."

sometimes you just need to acknowledge the feeling.  you just need to be okay with hearing the unhappy. but it surprised me like bumping into a bruise i didn't know i had. i felt that twanging of my heart strings.  so i allowed myself to indulge.

i envisioned my life last december.  i felt the cold of my front porch with the little white icicle lights.  i could smell the pine of the wreath on the door.  i could see the black scraping branches poking at the far away pale sky. i allowed myself to walk through my old house, into the rooms that i haven't thought about in months, to hear the creaking of the floor.  then i walked in my mind, down the street with the cracked octagonal stones, up to the main street and i could see the stores, with christmas decorations and people i knew from school, or work, or just from the neighborhood. 
i remembered how easy it all was.  and just when i was about to stop myself, about to keep it there, to not think about having dinner with my friends, to not imagine my mom stopping by, i ruined it by looking at facebook and seeing a Christmas picture of my friend erin and her family, and it broke me.

so from the other side of the world, i'm teary and missing you all.