far away at Christmas time

okay.
i admit it.  i want to get all dressed up and go to a holiday party.
i want to drink hot coco, and eggnog, and see lots of sparkly things.
i want to see my old friends on my birthday.  i want to tell them in person about the last three months, about life here. 
i want to smell the burning of a fire in a fireplace, not the burning of trash from the field behind me.
i want to see a leafless tree and feel a cold breeze, and maybe even an icicle or a snow flake.
i want my family.
i want my old oranaments and Christmas books and the home-made stocking i've grown up with.
i want to watch 'it's a wonderful life' with my brother and sister.
i want to watch my mom making Christmas cookies with my kids.

it's a hard time of the year to be far away. 
it's a hard season to be removed. 
i just want to go back for a day or two.  i think i could savor every second- every minute of it and not take any of it for granted.  i could see it, feel it, inhale it, hear it- the voices, the laughing.

but.
i will close my eyes.
i will feel the cool breeze from all those past decembers that live still in my head.
i will feel the snow falling on my cheek and then lighly melting and i will taste it- slightly like dirt and iron.
i will make some coco.
i will smell the burning and just enjoy it for what it is.
i will love the live Christmas tree in front of me with it's little handmade ugandan ornaments.
i will watch 'its a wonderful life' and make Christmas cookies with my kids.
i will celebrate my birthday with new friends who i enjoy.

but.
how i miss some people deeply.
i understand 'longing' now.