let justice roll down like water

this is how it went down.  this time. and i'm not proud.

we were driving home from school, on the small back roads, remeniscent of that old atari game astroids where you swerve to avoid a crash with another car, a large tanker, a pedestrian or a goat.  there was a 'diversion/ road closed' sign on the side of the road.   we (myself and the 4,6, and 7 year olds riding in back) didn't think much of it because it's been there for the month and we've always gotten through.  well we drove for a while and near the end of the road, it was in fact closed.  i couldn't tell why, but did see several police and police vehicles, so we turned around, especially because i'd heard there had been rioting in parts of the city because of the power outages. 

we headed back to find another route home and decided to go down a bumpy dirt 'road' (or perhaps it was a cow path- i'm not sure) that appeared to connect over to the main road.  after traversing several absurdly large bumps and divets we came to the end.  there were two cars in front of me and many more behind, there was a 10 foot drop off down to some railroad tracks on my right and a few parked trucks on the left of me.  we waited a few minutes and the cars in front, merged onto another road.

then it happened. 
at least ten guys with shovels who'd been working on the road/path, motioned for me to roll down my window.  i was already irritated. i wanted to get home.  i was done with traffic, with road closures, with driving down goat paths.

"You give us money or you turn around and go back!"
my blood began to boil.
"i'm not giving you any money- why should i give you money?  you need to move!" i said.
"then you go back" i could hear them say as i rolled up the window.  they looked angrily at me and rolled a cement barrier in front of my car.
i was trapped.  i really couldn't go anywhere.  i couldn't have turned around if i'd wanted to, but i didn't want to.  i wanted to drive right past them and home.
i rolled the window down again.  they flocked to the car.
"let me through!" I said angrily.
"you give money- 5000 shillings"
then that valve blew and despite have young and eager listeners i began to shout. and i shouted things like,  "why?  why should i pay you money?  because i'm white?  because i'm a muzungu?  this is extortion! you can't bribe me! this is ***#(%*#$" 

i did not behave like a lady, or a Christian, and certainly not a missionary lady.  i behaved like an angry victim of injustice.  one persecuted, holding on to her voice. i felt so much anger at the wrongness of it, that it hurt.  to make it worse, i felt physically trapped and responsible for the health and welfare of the three kids in back.  i wanted to say, "is this the payback i get for giving out free medical care in your country?"  i wanted to shout, "well next time you need a doctor- don't come my way!"  i wanted to cry out, "i don't have to be here! i can go home- to a country where this is illegal!"

but instead i yelled, "This, this right here is what's wrong with this country!" as i threw the coins that we save for people begging, at them.  they laughed and removed the barrier.

i hurriedly drove past them, cursing under my breath and feeling completely violated. 
"i want to go home!" i said out loud, biting my lip so as not to cry.
"me too!" shouted bryn and jude in unison.
i was quiet for a while.
i breathed deeply.

"boys, look around you.  do you see all the mud and junk everywhere?  all the poverty, and the kids with no shoes and the dilapidated houses? this is because of injustice. and those men blocking us until we paid them, that was an example of injustice- a violation of what is right.  Injustice can be stealing or cheating and it happens all over the place."

what i failed to mention is that those men's behavior was also the fall out of injustice, injustice done to them, not that it makes it any less bad.

for me today it was the straw that broke the camels back.  it was all wrapped up together.  that interaction symbolized what happens when justice doesn't roll down like water, when poverty rises, and when mistreatment and violation of what is right starts at the top and trickles down. and it should have nothing to do with our volunteerism, our 'sacrifice' to be here.
 
when i got home i talked with mike and florence about it.  florence suggested that if i'd called the police, they would have fled- but i didn't know there was a number, and i've been asked for bribes 3 times from the police - so i'm not sure they would be on my side.  she also suggested i just refuse to pay, roll up the window and wait.  eventually they'd let me go, she said.

mike said if it were him, he would have gotten out of the car and moved the barrier himself as he's bigger than 90% of ugandans- but recognized that wasn't an option for me.  he suggested i respond with, "you only want 5000 shillings? but there is 10 of you? why don't i at least give you 10,000".  surprise them with generosity.


and this is where the self reflection piece comes in.  i saw so clearly my arrogance in my response.  my over-valuing of myself, my lack of humility and understanding, my lack of service.  do i only serve those who come into clinic or show up on my door step? i'm willing to give to someone begging, someone vulnerable, but then my response to this need (and i believe in the big picture it was need) is pure, righteous anger? i did nothing to diffuse the situation, i didn't give them anything but a display of bad behavior.

so i'm sitting with this tonight. i'm wanting the feeling of it to soften me, not embitter me.  to change me to be more aware, to have a greater heart to serve, to ground my feet firmly on this soil, to bring justice where i can, and forgiveness where i can't. to wait.  to have hope.  that someday justice will roll.