i have had my head deep inside a book for the past few days- it was consuming me- but i've put it down for a moment. i'm back.
lately i've been having some parenting issues. issues with my kids, issues with my response to my kids, issues of parenting. part of it is that parenting zoe is a completely different experience than parenting jude and bryn. she just has different issues- strengths and struggles. so unlike most parents who can get to child number 2 and at least have a reference from child number 1 about how most 6 year olds act, we don't. it's new territory all over again, aside from certain physical milestones like when to begin solid food and loose teeth.
with the boys right now, i'm struggling with the balance between setting them up for success and punishing them when they misbehave. let me explain. every morning we have to get up reeaaaallllyyy early to drive the boys to school. we get up at 5:45 and get their juice and breakfast and lately, hot chocolate, all set up. their clothes are laid out on their floor the night before, and their bags are already packed and by the door. we let them sleep until about 6:10 and all they have to do is slip on their clothes and come to the table where a meal awaits them. now. i would consider that setting them up for success. how hard is that? the only thing better would be breakfast in bed!
today this is what i got, "MAAAAMMAAAAA!!! i SAID i wanted you to put my clothes IN my bed so i can get dressed under my COVERS." bryn.
or "MOMMMYYYY! i didn't want the bread TOASTED with nutella, i just wanted REGULAR bread with nutella!!" jude.
i almost grabbed them by the hair and knocked their little whinny heads together. are you kidding me?? now i know that they are tired and that they are 4 and 6, so one possible response would be to just love right through- to use some version of ' you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.' i could attempt to diffuse the situation with, "oh king bryn i'm so sorry! here your royal highness, here are your royal clothes!" at which i know he'd laugh and probably get dressed.
but somehow it was all so bratty, and so assuming, and so neglectful of the fact that we got up much earlier and puttered around to make their life easier, (mom i'm sure you must be totally laughing right now), that i couldn't do that. i ended up in punishment land. i ended up explaining to a 4 and 6 year old that i am even more tired and i'm not whining (of course at that point i kind of was). i ended up asking them which of their ugandan friends even gets breakfast let alone hot chocolate? and then i ended up taking away the hot chocolate- resulting in even more whining and many tears - causing me to say things like 'oh i'll give you something to really cry about!' as if i'm on "leave it to beaver"- although those kids never back talked to their mom.
the thing is, on paper, i'm a big believer in diffusing the situation when you can (especially with the young ones). but i'm also a big believer in children being polite and respectful. on paper i'm a believer of parenting out of a calm and mature and non-reactionary place- but ohhhhh do i struggle with this!
i get so angry.
as we drove school, after a hot chocolate-less morning, i realized we need a plan.
maybe it needs to be having them go to bed even earlier- although that is nearly impossible. or maybe the opposite. maybe they need to get up earlier and get their own clothes from the closet, get their own bag packed. or maybe i should feed them grool for a week. i don't know.
but one thing i believe in more than the method of diffusing or punishing, is that children simply need boundaries. they crave them, and will push and pull until they figure out where the buck stops, where the line is really drawn, until they figure out exactly who is in control- and they don't want it to be themselves. parents who are in control and consistent- parents who set clear boundaries, give their children 'the safe feeling'. and children who feel safe are better behaved.
so looking back on our morning, or our mornings, i'm realizing that we may need to set clearer, and better maintained boundaries. why i struggle with this is because i love to give my kids things that make them happy. but boundaries will lead to long term happiness much more than even chocolate.
and although i'm in the business of growing boys into respectful men and not catching flies, perhaps i'll put some honey on their toast tomorrow and see what happens....
lately i've been having some parenting issues. issues with my kids, issues with my response to my kids, issues of parenting. part of it is that parenting zoe is a completely different experience than parenting jude and bryn. she just has different issues- strengths and struggles. so unlike most parents who can get to child number 2 and at least have a reference from child number 1 about how most 6 year olds act, we don't. it's new territory all over again, aside from certain physical milestones like when to begin solid food and loose teeth.
with the boys right now, i'm struggling with the balance between setting them up for success and punishing them when they misbehave. let me explain. every morning we have to get up reeaaaallllyyy early to drive the boys to school. we get up at 5:45 and get their juice and breakfast and lately, hot chocolate, all set up. their clothes are laid out on their floor the night before, and their bags are already packed and by the door. we let them sleep until about 6:10 and all they have to do is slip on their clothes and come to the table where a meal awaits them. now. i would consider that setting them up for success. how hard is that? the only thing better would be breakfast in bed!
today this is what i got, "MAAAAMMAAAAA!!! i SAID i wanted you to put my clothes IN my bed so i can get dressed under my COVERS." bryn.
or "MOMMMYYYY! i didn't want the bread TOASTED with nutella, i just wanted REGULAR bread with nutella!!" jude.
i almost grabbed them by the hair and knocked their little whinny heads together. are you kidding me?? now i know that they are tired and that they are 4 and 6, so one possible response would be to just love right through- to use some version of ' you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.' i could attempt to diffuse the situation with, "oh king bryn i'm so sorry! here your royal highness, here are your royal clothes!" at which i know he'd laugh and probably get dressed.
but somehow it was all so bratty, and so assuming, and so neglectful of the fact that we got up much earlier and puttered around to make their life easier, (mom i'm sure you must be totally laughing right now), that i couldn't do that. i ended up in punishment land. i ended up explaining to a 4 and 6 year old that i am even more tired and i'm not whining (of course at that point i kind of was). i ended up asking them which of their ugandan friends even gets breakfast let alone hot chocolate? and then i ended up taking away the hot chocolate- resulting in even more whining and many tears - causing me to say things like 'oh i'll give you something to really cry about!' as if i'm on "leave it to beaver"- although those kids never back talked to their mom.
the thing is, on paper, i'm a big believer in diffusing the situation when you can (especially with the young ones). but i'm also a big believer in children being polite and respectful. on paper i'm a believer of parenting out of a calm and mature and non-reactionary place- but ohhhhh do i struggle with this!
i get so angry.
as we drove school, after a hot chocolate-less morning, i realized we need a plan.
maybe it needs to be having them go to bed even earlier- although that is nearly impossible. or maybe the opposite. maybe they need to get up earlier and get their own clothes from the closet, get their own bag packed. or maybe i should feed them grool for a week. i don't know.
but one thing i believe in more than the method of diffusing or punishing, is that children simply need boundaries. they crave them, and will push and pull until they figure out where the buck stops, where the line is really drawn, until they figure out exactly who is in control- and they don't want it to be themselves. parents who are in control and consistent- parents who set clear boundaries, give their children 'the safe feeling'. and children who feel safe are better behaved.
so looking back on our morning, or our mornings, i'm realizing that we may need to set clearer, and better maintained boundaries. why i struggle with this is because i love to give my kids things that make them happy. but boundaries will lead to long term happiness much more than even chocolate.
and although i'm in the business of growing boys into respectful men and not catching flies, perhaps i'll put some honey on their toast tomorrow and see what happens....
3 comments:
You're on the right track, in my opinion. Why shouldn't they know that you get up earlier to do these things to help them. But that's not why they should behave (not complain, whine, argue, etc) They should do that because it's right. I've found that the whole idea of "doing something because it is the right thing to do" is kind of lost these days - on my kids, too.
Good for you to take a step back and look at things with some perspective and to try and figure out what is really going on in those stressful moments of the wee morning. Then get up and try again tomorrow... and the next day.... and the next day.
Great post! Go, Mama K!
thanks mama s! it's hard!!! its all about the next day....
2 good books on this....love and logic, and boundaries for kids. xoxo
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.