beauty in the breakdown

it was a very wet weekend. it started friday afternoon when i was picking up the boys.  this was the drive home.  this wasn't even the bad part.  it was like driving through a river that might also have hidden pockets.  it upped the anty further in the kampala driving video game.

then we had a beautiful saturday.  beautiful.  we were at a birthday party in entebbe. on the shore of lake victoria, with a pool, and food, and new friends.  it was perfect.  in the evening, there was a homemade giant pot of curry cooked on an outdoor stove, there was a huge bonfire and fireworks for Guy Fawkes day.  we all camped out in tents on a field over the lake.  then the fun began.  it started to rain.  and it rained.  hard rain, then just regular rain- but all. night. long.   in the middle of the night i woke up wet - pretty much soaked- the tent had  reached it's capacity.  zoe and i ended up sleeping in the car, and the guys in the non- leaking tent.

after a wet morning of tea and hot food overlooking the lake, we made our wet drive home and hung out everything we'd brought, to dry in, thankfully, the sun.

i had some time during the weekend to pause alone and watch the great sunset in the southern hemisphere- those broad, powerful clouds, the levels of light, the variation.  and i was thinking about how all things break.  eventually.  how things fall apart.  even really good things.  even things that shouldn't, things we've paid more for, or invested more in.  and how we're  almost always shocked or surprised, but really, why?  this is life.

breaking is painful- we don't want it- we avoid it- hide from it- when it comes to the events in life that make us feeling like we're falling apart.  our pastor in san francisco used to say, ' breakdown, leads to break through, which leads to break out. '  out of our brokenness, we can gain understanding, insight, wisdom, clarity.  out of that break through, we can then move.  we can bloom.  we can reach new heights- we can breakout of what ever it was that caused our breaking down in the first place.

i love this.  this is redemption.  this is healing.  this is transformation.  this is not easy- but wow, imagine if it's true?  freedom.


redemption- the act of redeeming (to recover, to fullfill, to set free)

but it's hard.  we spend most of our adult lives protecting ourselves from breaking or at least making sure no one else knows we're broken.  vulnerability it outside the comfort zone.  so sitting with the breakdown, allowing ourselves to feel it, to admit it, to not run fast away from it, is hard hard.  but, this is necessary for understanding, for honest revelation.  and that part, is essential for change- growth-newness.

i'm trying to remember this.  to let go of the self righteous bitterness that can come from the cuts we get when things break.  to trust God- to trust the promise of fulfillment and freedom. to be still even when it's uncomfortable.  to be open to the clarity.  and then to be moved by the break out.

i've seen it- felt it- been there. and i will many more times in this great spinning world.

the night seems brighter in the moonlight here on the equator. the light rains down from the very top of the night sky. the stars are bright too and the sparks from the bonfire leaped up to meet them. orange and gold climbing up to join the blinking white lights so far off and high.

there is beauty - even in the breakdown.