transition

today as i cleaned the toilets and the sinks and got great satisfaction from making something look pretty again, i thought about things that i wanted to write about and i got all excited and scrubbed harder.  but now that the bathrooms are cleaned and the kids have chalk painted the driveway and watered the yard with sprinkler play and are covered in band-aids from yellow fever and typhoid shots- and i'm outside in the 90+ degrees sweating and loving the quiet- i've forgotten-  all that i wanted to say.

that's ok.

i used to crawl to this space.  like on my hands and knees.  so showing up with out the drama is a very good thing. 

oh- and i solved the "SHUT THE *(*&))@$$ DOOR!!!!" problem.  i turned off the air conditioning and i turned on the fans.  a simple and cost effective plan- everyone is happier.  hotter, but happier.

today the boys got their necessary shots.  today i started booking airlines tickets.  today i loaded up my clothes that will not be needed in uganda but are sooo very  cute!! wow- didn't know i was so attached to faux fur vests and vintage channel.  do i sell them?  save them? or take them and wear them anyway- i could be 'that crazy american!' right?

omgoodness it's becoming very very real!
and everyday we are closer.
we are in that 'goodbye' place.
we are in that 'it's the last time i'll....."  place.
on monday the kids and i made a list of things we want to do once more- places we need to see one more time before we go.

when we went to get the shots today- we were in this travel clinic waiting- for 45 minutes- the boys anxious and looking at a giant anatomy book- we met a vet- sober for 27 years he informed us.  of course i loved this- he got down on his knees and looked at the book with my boys- "see, i'm a grandpa" he said.  it was awesome. smoking pall mall menthol's (details are important to me- i'm not advertising!)  he was telling us all about his life, his smoking habit, his mental health- my boys sat there on the floor- looking like they were trying to figure out if their grandfathers would ever be like this guy- but loving attention and sharing with him all about our move- our plans.  it's nice to see them embracing with pride what we're doing- embracing this move- this life changing experience. 

then we found out the yellow fever vaccine wasn't in yet- they'd have to call us later when it arrived, we'd have to come back.

poor boys. waiting -for nothing.

the clinic called a few hours later and we returned. 
i love seeing my kids grow up.  seeing them amaze me in their own little ways. 
jude- " i'll go first"  "i want one in each arm"  so brave!
he takes it all in- he listens to everything.
"mommy, are we going to be in uganda for a while?  when we come back, will we live in a different house?"
"yes- honey" smile.
"ok"

they wrap their little minds around it, as i wrap my little mind around it too. 

last night when we sat outside- watching that amazing sun that heats and colors our days slip away- watching that moon light up our nights- always smiling- fill in for the dark hours- we talked about this thing we're doing.  we recalled the process- the hands bigger than us that have guided- molded- shaped it.

i had forgotten about 'the hole in the gospel'.  forgotten completely.  a book- given to us by my parents- given with the awareness that reading it-would most likely result in us moving to africa- but given anyway.  given it despite grandchildren being pulled away- given despite the threat of ebola and malaria and all those other hidden bugs waiting in the dark jungle to eat grandchildren. given because it was the right thing to do.  given because they know their child.  given because it's just part of a process.

last night my dreams were scarier and darker than they've been.  in my dream, i watched from a far as there was a coup- as people fled- as an army dominated- as a city was emptied by violence.  in my dream i kept thinking- we've got to remember to not book our tickets yet!  we've got to reconsider!  we've got to make plan B! 

but i woke up this morning and looked around and oriented myself.  i remembered the dark hours of the night- when all is lost in the drama of our greatest fears- when we lay there uninhibited.  the sun was shining and i remembered the good stuff- the reality- that life is life and it is what it is- where ever we are.

i'm outside again tonight.

the moon is already high- it's almost half full- smiling again.  the sky is still pink and pale and ambivalent.  the tree frogs are out- trying to call in the night.  bats are out and the trees are motionless.  a firefly alights beside me.

this is transition- i'm in the thick of it- day turns to night- light to dark- sun to moon- bird to bat- color to shadow.

the world here tonight is still- what does it know?