yesterday mike and i went to the movies and saw 'the tree of life'.
it is intense. it's a beautifully done, artistic movie about human nature vs. grace, about God's presence in the creation and in the suffering in the world- it is this seen through the eyes of different family members as they process their life with each other and their place in the world- as they question the why's of life- as they find their peace. mike loved it. i want to say i loved it too, but it messed with my head. it some how pushed my buttons- made me feel like i'd just had a really rough therapy session- and needed another one but wasn't going to get one. it made me acutely aware of how complex- how complicated each person is- how we have no control over other peoples interpretations or perspectives on life- on how they interpret our lives- or our lives together. and i think all that scared me- especially as a parent.
i haven't been writing much about zoe lately- about living and loving and learning with her. i've been writing more about me. about my process. about our lives through my perspective. that movie reminded me that my children are each as much a person as i am, they've just been around for fewer years. and it made me wonder- what life looks like for each of them. about their perspective. how they see and hear things - what words are weighted more heavily - about what visions they hold on to- no two people see a scene the same way- or hear exactly what the other said in a conversation. i wonder especially how zoe sees it- how her life is right now. what is her perspective on what i've been writing about - and living in- this change, this move.
*
'things are changing. i don't think i like it. first my toys- my stuffed animals- my dolls- then my dog. don't they know those are my friends? don't they know what those things mean? they make sense to me. they are reliable- people aren't. they have the same face- they have faces that don't change- i know them- i can trust them- i feel safe with them- i'm not confused- i'm not left behind. my dog knows me- she gets it- she doesn't care if i flap my hands when i'm excited- or if i laugh my crazy loud laugh. she is there when things don't make sense and when i need a friend. she never tells me to be quiet. but she's going to someone else and i'm left with my self- with my brothers who have each other- with my parents who have each other.
what will it feel like in uganda? it will be so different. it will be so far away. what if i need my ama? she gets me too- she loves me even if i'm silly and sticky- she doesn't get mad at me because things are scratchy and because the clock ticks too loudly. and what about my friends? what if i can't make new friends there? what about my old friends here? it's already different. it's already changing- my dresser is gone- my old books- and the porch looks different and i'm supposed to stuff things into one pink bag. why are they doing this anyway? why can't we just stay here? what is wrong with here? why can't it just be the way it is- why do we have to move? i don't understand. life is confusing enough the way it is now.'
*
is that what it looks like from her eyes? is the light different? and the sounds of the world? and the feel of it all on her skin?
today we went to the doctor. the kids had their yearly physical- everyone needed shots. "be careful! i'm extra sensitive. my skin feels things more." and it does.
today we made cards for ama (my mom) because it's her birthday. zoe drew a garden- flowers, trees, butterflies, the sky, the sun and the ground. the tree was very complete- leaves and trunk and roots- but the roots floated up above the ground- like fingers reaching down to find the earth. all the parts there- but not connected with each other. her world looks different- it feels different from mine.
but doesn't it for everyone? don't we all see it differently?
the sky is brilliant right now- glowing orange from the west- reaching through the trees. it's pink and blue and purple on the top. the tree frogs tonight are not their usual constant hum- they are alternating between loud and eager with brief silence- like they have a story to tell. what sounds and colors am i missing? what things would zoe hear?
i love what her name means- life.
ζωη(zoe) n. - greek "life". Life in the absolute sense, life as God has it.
zoe- in the absolute- zoe- as God has it.
who am i? i am just one.
it is intense. it's a beautifully done, artistic movie about human nature vs. grace, about God's presence in the creation and in the suffering in the world- it is this seen through the eyes of different family members as they process their life with each other and their place in the world- as they question the why's of life- as they find their peace. mike loved it. i want to say i loved it too, but it messed with my head. it some how pushed my buttons- made me feel like i'd just had a really rough therapy session- and needed another one but wasn't going to get one. it made me acutely aware of how complex- how complicated each person is- how we have no control over other peoples interpretations or perspectives on life- on how they interpret our lives- or our lives together. and i think all that scared me- especially as a parent.
i haven't been writing much about zoe lately- about living and loving and learning with her. i've been writing more about me. about my process. about our lives through my perspective. that movie reminded me that my children are each as much a person as i am, they've just been around for fewer years. and it made me wonder- what life looks like for each of them. about their perspective. how they see and hear things - what words are weighted more heavily - about what visions they hold on to- no two people see a scene the same way- or hear exactly what the other said in a conversation. i wonder especially how zoe sees it- how her life is right now. what is her perspective on what i've been writing about - and living in- this change, this move.
*
'things are changing. i don't think i like it. first my toys- my stuffed animals- my dolls- then my dog. don't they know those are my friends? don't they know what those things mean? they make sense to me. they are reliable- people aren't. they have the same face- they have faces that don't change- i know them- i can trust them- i feel safe with them- i'm not confused- i'm not left behind. my dog knows me- she gets it- she doesn't care if i flap my hands when i'm excited- or if i laugh my crazy loud laugh. she is there when things don't make sense and when i need a friend. she never tells me to be quiet. but she's going to someone else and i'm left with my self- with my brothers who have each other- with my parents who have each other.
what will it feel like in uganda? it will be so different. it will be so far away. what if i need my ama? she gets me too- she loves me even if i'm silly and sticky- she doesn't get mad at me because things are scratchy and because the clock ticks too loudly. and what about my friends? what if i can't make new friends there? what about my old friends here? it's already different. it's already changing- my dresser is gone- my old books- and the porch looks different and i'm supposed to stuff things into one pink bag. why are they doing this anyway? why can't we just stay here? what is wrong with here? why can't it just be the way it is- why do we have to move? i don't understand. life is confusing enough the way it is now.'
*
is that what it looks like from her eyes? is the light different? and the sounds of the world? and the feel of it all on her skin?
today we went to the doctor. the kids had their yearly physical- everyone needed shots. "be careful! i'm extra sensitive. my skin feels things more." and it does.
today we made cards for ama (my mom) because it's her birthday. zoe drew a garden- flowers, trees, butterflies, the sky, the sun and the ground. the tree was very complete- leaves and trunk and roots- but the roots floated up above the ground- like fingers reaching down to find the earth. all the parts there- but not connected with each other. her world looks different- it feels different from mine.
but doesn't it for everyone? don't we all see it differently?
the sky is brilliant right now- glowing orange from the west- reaching through the trees. it's pink and blue and purple on the top. the tree frogs tonight are not their usual constant hum- they are alternating between loud and eager with brief silence- like they have a story to tell. what sounds and colors am i missing? what things would zoe hear?
i love what her name means- life.
ζωη(zoe) n. - greek "life". Life in the absolute sense, life as God has it.
zoe- in the absolute- zoe- as God has it.
who am i? i am just one.
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