the snip snip

we are "done".
finally.  permanently.
there will be no more little kris and mikes.
our time of making babies is over, or will be on friday.
why this is a big deal follows........

when i was a little girl i wanted lots of babies. i had notebooks full of baby names.  my favorite show was 'eight is enough'.  i loved the idea of a big family- shared bedrooms and shared clothes.  piles of soccer cleats and flip flops beside the door,  and something always going on.  i just assumed i'd have at least four or five kids.

mike and i never talked about the specifics of having kids- like when or how many.  we both knew we really valued family and he'd mentioned something about seeing himself as a grandfather someday with a great white beard and hoards of children and grandchildren all around.  so - i figured we were pretty much on the same page.

when i turned 25 and we had been married for two years, i told mike i was ready to have a baby. but, he wasn't and really, neither was i.

when i was 26 i started medical school and sometime soon stopped birth control. we weren't "trying",  we were open. but when that seed had been planted (the one in my mind- that getting pregnant is an actual possibility) it was hard to not pay attention to my body and it's every rhythm.

a brief comment on "trying".  it can have many different faces depending on the season of life. sometimes 'trying' was "not trying".  sometimes it was taking temperatures and charting days and planning our sex life accordingly.  sometimes it was giving shots and having ultrasounds and procedures and we felt a huge separation between making love and making a baby.

but after about 18 months of 'paying attention' and not getting pregnant we went to the doctor who ran some tests and told me to eat lots of ice cream and start clomid.  i got pregnant with zoe that month.   i remember thinking- 'wow- that infertility thing isn't so bad!  you can fix it.'

when zoe was almost 2 i started internship and went off the pill.  i was really ready for baby number two.   but between the stress of it and being in the hospital every 4th night- it was not a good time to get pregnant.  i think my body was saying "girl- we can barely sustain you - let alone grow another life right now!"  so after my intern year, when several friends had 'accidentally' gotten pregnant while "not trying" i was frustrated, sad and went to the doctor again begging for some clomid.

but this time- i found that infertility can be really bad- and not so fixable.

and this is the point where i became obsessed.
really.  i ate, slept and breathed wanting to be pregnant.  i was desperate.  i was bitter and resentful of every pregnant woman i saw (even though i already had a child it almost didn't matter).   i should have bought stock in 'Answer' and 'First Response' because i took so many pregnancy tests.  i was an emotional roller coaster wreck depending on when in the month it was.  patient for a few days- timing it- controlling it- hopeful- hopeful- convinced it was good- taking a pregnancy test too early- waiting those painful 2 minutes- going blind trying to convince myself i'd seen 2 pink lines- looking at that damn stick at every angle- in every type of light- trying to believe it into being.  then the painful- agonizing truth.  tears and anger and isolation.  then it would begin again.

poor mike- poor all men out there in this situation- it's so hard! he tried to understand, to be hopeful and supportive, to reassure me that somehow we'd have another child.

i remember an absolute low point was mike telling me that his brothers wife, my lovely sister-in-law was pregnant with their third.  i literally, threw a baguette across the house and began to cry.

"but they will have had three in the time i'm still trying to get pregnant!  it's so unfair!"

and then began the "what's wrong with me?"  "i'm not a 'real' woman."  "why can't i conceive?" i read books to uncover the psychological issues that might be preventing me from bringing forth life.  i read about diet, and vitamins and exercise and meditation and tried desperately to try to not try- to let it go.  i read books about miracle babies- i signed up for adoption seminars.  i must have been really boring- and selfish- and slightly crazy.

who ever said that trying to have a baby is 'fun' (yes mom- that is you :) was dead wrong- those years were bad to the bone- bad on the marriage, the bedroom, the friendships- all of it.  dark, dark times.

finally, my last month of residency- i saw 2 pink lines!
but miscarried with in the week.

after a dark two weeks of crying and writing awful and depressing poetry, and drinking wine- we started our last round of "injections and IUI".  (lots of shots to make many many eggs, followed by a doctor squirting mikes sperm at the right time).  that month i had made so many eggs that the doctor didn't want to go through with the IUI.  i told her i was desperate- i didn't care how many babies i had- i just needed one more!  (like raising arizona - "Hi - Get me a baby!!!")  i told her if she didn't squirt his junk up there i would grab it, do it myself and still have sex all weekend long.

that's how i got jude.

when jude was one and i was 37 we began planning when we'd start the monkey business again for number three.  and at that point, i had let it go- i knew it was possible, but figured we'd go straight to IVF.  then God stepped in and with out intervention, with out drugs, with out 'trying'  - i realized i was a few days late and i saw the 2 pink lines!

i fell to my knees and began to cry and sing- and never doubted that this pregnancy was anything  but a blessed gift.

bryn.

so we had three.  but  i wanted 4 remember- at least.
i also knew that i was 38 and i couldn't handle the stress and expense of more fertility treatments.  i also had this new idea that maybe, just maybe it could happen again...... naturally.

and it did.  when i was 39.  again i was on my knees- crying- singing.  but, 8 weeks later - no heart beat. this confirmed things for us.
unfortunately they were different things.  mike realized he was 'done'.  and i realized how desperately i wanted a 4th.  how i couldn't imagine my uterus ending her last race like this- leaving on this bad note- finishing her days as a life giving muscle with a 'failed pregnancy'.

so the following year we didn't do anything about 'trying' or 'not trying'.  instead we tried to understand each other- we tried to respect each other.  but i have to admit- i somehow felt i'd been wronged- i'd been duped. in a cosmic way, and a little bit by mike.  and each month i'd go through a micro drama of hoping and buying more pregnancy tests and looking at them until i was cross-eyed- and then feeling a bit of a loss- but moving on.  it was nothing like those dark years.

i began to wonder if the rest of my life was going to feel like i was on some crazy lunar cycle- if every month i'd be disappointed- if i maybe really should buy some stock in e.p.t. 

then i went to ethiopia with lisa to meet her beautiful yoyo. and on that trip, two things happened.  i saw myself as someone other than a mother- as someone who might actually enjoy a stage of not being pregnant or nursing. and i realized that i love kids- even kids who didn't grow in my body and that i don't 'need' a baby.  i found that i was hanging out in the 'pre-school' section of the orphanage more than the baby section.  i found that there are children already here who need homes and that my body doesn't need to make anymore.

and i began to reach peace.  i began to - dare i say it- feel 'done' from a biological baby standpoint.  and i have to say, i never thought it would happen. mike never thought it would happen either.

so finally- and now that we're moving to africa- where i really don't want to be pregnant and delivering at 41- we are doing something about it- we are making a decision and we are DONE- in a permanent way.

permanent- lasting or enduring without change.

i still love the little babies- but not in that desperate, needy, jealous way. i still have such good memories of my big pregnant belly years.  but i don't wish they were back.

and i still think there might be a number 4 or even a number 5- and i can't wait to meet them.  i wonder what they're doing right now.