ponder it

"never doubt in the dark, what God told you in the light"

it's funny.  i was writing last night about this process of stripping things away- of standing there metaphorically naked and being ok- of knowing yourself with out the things we think define us- of knowing what matters- what doesn't.  and i got to take it a step further.  because right after i posted, our realtor called and told me that our buyer - the couple going to buy our house- had bailed.  terminated the contract- no go.  and so began the tailspin dive of defeat.  the pendulum swung wildly in the other direction- became unhinged and whacked me in the face.  what??  after all that?  after the bank approval? after all these months??  after i've sold our dressers and our porch furniture?  so we're back to being on the market?  showing it every weekend? hiding trash cans and putting out the never used towels? 

yup.  that is where we are.

i didn't cry, (but i did swear- in a text to my friend who i knew would get it). and i went to bed and i said a little prayer that went something like this:
ok God.  i'm a little confused... this seemed like it was working out... and now we're back to where we were 3 months ago and i don't get it- but i'm going to trust you anyway- because you are God- and that is enough. 

this morning i woke up at peace- even excited- because when God shows up- it's always better than my plan.  and here is what i'm learning as my hands are once again being pried open from their clenched position.  it's really not about the stuff.  at all.  it's not even about the getting rid of the stuff- or the selling of the stuff, or about the money i can get from selling the stuff- in a certain time so that i can buy other stuff when i get to africa. 

it is about preparing my heart for what we're about to embark on.  it is about preparing my kids and helping them feel safe and secure in this transition.  it is about relinquishing my control over things.  it is about being ok with living in a semi- empty house, or a house full of furniture that i might end up giving to salvation army in the end.  it is about letting go.  it is about trusting God with the details- even in the 'dark spots'.  it is about not running away when things don't go according to plan.

so i'm on the back porch sitting on a piece of cloth instead of my wicker love seat- that it thought i'd really miss.  and i'm looking out over that spot of morning light on that tall oak and i'm just as happy sitting on the floor- maybe happier- because i can now see more of the sky.